Husband angry at kid-update got advice

Tue, May 31 2022, 1:07 pm

Sounds like you feel hurt. That’s understandable. Anger does not equal hate. I can be angry at my husband/child/pupil but still love them. In fact I think sometimes the more you love someone, the more heightened our emotions are about them and therefore we feel more anger. But that’s better than feeling indifferent, that would show we don’t care about them.
I would wait a day or two and hopefully things will blow over, and then have a calm conversation about expectations and abilities of that particular child.

amother

Geranium

Tue, May 31 2022, 1:51 pm

I have a SN child and sometimes he does things that make me really, really angry. The fact that he's SN does mean that some things are a bigger challenge for him. I know that. Same as your child may be very challenged by his ADHD. But it doesn't mean we can't have expectations of these kids and feel angry at times when we feel they are just not acting as they should and could. I don't hold on to my anger very long. (My kid is too cute to stay mad at). I don't love him any less. It's just a normal response because I am an imperfect person who gets angry sometimes. So long as your husband isn't lashing out and harming your child (physically or verbally), try to just understand it's a normal feeling and let it go.

amother

Geranium

Tue, May 31 2022, 2:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There's frustration and there's hating the essence of a child. To me it feels like the latter. It does feel like hate.

And when I told my husband how I feel his response was "what about me?!"

I'm not a mental health professional, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say a parent actually hating their child is on the rarer side and usually accompanying some sort of other emotional/mental problems.

Assuming your husband is pretty normal in other ways and not mentally ill, I would think you saying that to him was pretty hurtful. I'd be aghast if my husband accused me of hating our child just because I got angry.

mushkamothers

Tue, May 31 2022, 2:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My husband was very upset about something my son did and told me in a very angry voice, "I'm so angry. He shouldn't have done that..." My son has ADHD and forgets things often. I felt so hurt. Like he hates a part of me.

The sooner you can compartmentalize the healthier you will be. Your son was carried and birthed from your body but that's it. He's not yours and he's not a piece of you. He is an individual with his own identity and his behavior, achievements or lack thereof are no indication or judgment on you. Any nachas you get is a bonus, and yes you have to teach him to be a mensch, but he is his own person.
As you said, this will also disrupt your marriage if you're putting your son between the two of you.

groovy1224

Tue, May 31 2022, 3:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There's frustration and there's hating the essence of a child. To me it feels like the latter. It does feel like hate.

And when I told my husband how I feel his response was "what about me?!"

Unless there's more to the story, I'm with your husband here. This isn't a situation about you, and you're making it about you.

I think you need to examine why you feel that anger= hate. It doesn't sound like he said anything of the sort. He told you he's angry. Why are you going from there to he hates your son?

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 5:00 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

"I'm so angry at so and so. I need you to come and sort it out" so it did feel personal. It's not my husband's biological child. And maybe hate is too strong a word. But there's anger borne of frustration and there's anger born of condescension, contempt. This was the latter.

And no, I rarely ever feel that kind of feelings towards them. And I would never dump that kind of feeling on my spouse because I don't want him to have negative feelings towards them.

When my husband acts that way I feel:

Angry at myself
Angry at my kid
Helpless
Criticized
Angry and disconnected from my husband

Maybe it is my problem.

amother

Geranium

Tue, May 31 2022, 5:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is a very important piece of information which makes your taking it personally and feeling defensive a lot more understandable.

amother

Snapdragon

Tue, May 31 2022, 5:06 pm

People can feel angry as long as they verbalize it and not take it out on anyone. I don’t understand the conclusions you are reaching here. Why are you thinking it’s about you? It’s not it’s about him processing a difficult situation. You need to step back and not make it about you for everyone’s sake.

amother

Tue, May 31 2022, 5:52 pm

The story continues. My son asked me to be able to take something out, which was the thing he had forgotten to put away and got my husband mad. I pushed back so much partly because I have my husband's voice in my head. In the end my son pushed me to call out family mentor, who said that it's my son's responsibility and I should let my son decide. (It's his item). I know my husband may be really mad if anything goes south or he finds out that I gave permission. Hopefully blaming it on the mentor will buffer it for me. He doesn't deal with my son's emotional world and meltdowns and all he sees are his faults. It breaks my heart.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2022, 9:20 pm

Just wanted to give an update. Spoke to the mentor and he told me that as much as possible to be preemptive and if necessary to even do my son's jobs for him so my husband doesn't get upset at him. Better if I do it with him or encourage him to do it himself. He tried talking to my husband but he wasn't very receptive and spun the conversation in circles.

oneofakind

Thu, Jun 02 2022, 10:05 pm

I think you need a family or couples therapist to balance your son's needs and your husband's. Doing things behind his back is not the way to resolve this. The mentor is there to give your son support, not to deal with the family dynamics.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2022, 10:10 pm

oneofakind wrote:

(He actually mentors couples and adults too.) He was saying that if my son forgets to let's say put his bike away and I know that my son husband will get upset then I should take responsibility and remind my son to do it or offer to do it with my son and if my son doesn't want to I should do it so that my husband shouldn't get upset. Everyone's needs gets meet this way. He also pointed out that physical is always easier than emotional and it's easier to put the bike away for him than to deal with the emotional fallout.

He has a very wise person and I trust him.

Unfortunately marriage counseling doesn't work with my husband because he spins the therapist in circles.

ETA. I had this meeting after I got upset and screamed at my son. My husband then went and screamed at him some more. My son was very distressed and crying and locked himself in the room and was refusing to go to school. I wanted advice on how to deal with my son and my own emotions and juggle it with my husband who tends to make things worse for my son and also how to do it in a way that doesn't hurt my husband and ruin our shalom bayis. So this was his advice.

WhatFor

Thu, Jun 02 2022, 10:59 pm

You sound like you're afraid of your husband and tiptoeing around him. This doesn't sound healthy for you or your son. If your DH "spins the therapist in circles" that's also not a good sign, but you can still go to therapy for yourself for how to deal with your DH.

amother

Thu, Jun 02 2022, 11:17 pm

WhatFor wrote:

Yes. He's a bit of bully my husband. BH has so many good qualities and loves us and takes care of us but has this one issue and also has a difficult time taking responsibility for his issues. BH we have this amazing mentor guiding our family and I feel very comfortable with his advice. The less he yells at my son the healthier my son will grow up. It's not my job to change someone who refuses to change. I am in therapy to learn how to not get affected by my husband's issues amongst other things.