Do you have a favorite child

ora_43

Mon, Jun 06 2022, 11:07 am

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

Everyone else just claims to love their kids equally.

K but... how would you know?

Like, I certainly treat my kids differently, in the sense that I have different things going on with each of them - one goes on walks with me, another reads books with me, another likes to talk and talk and talk while I cook... And I wouldn't be surprised if some feel like less-favorites at times.

But if you ask me, the feeling of being less-favorite is more a them thing (they know they aren't "easy") than a me thing (I love my less-easy kids to pieces; if anything I'd worry that they are more-loved).

Basically trying to say, I think for many people it's not just a claim - even if from the outside someone might be thinking "obviously her favorite is Kid A, they get along great and have so many inside jokes."

ora_43

Mon, Jun 06 2022, 11:12 am

And if you're talking "favorite" on a level that even the parent has no conscious awareness of -

For one thing that's impossible to prove or disprove either way. It all comes down to personal belief; people who tend toward favorites will suspect that most people feel like they do, people who don't will suspect that most people don't, etc.

For another - would there really be so much difference between that and not having favorites at all? I assume there would be a few moments here and there; extra hugs, or listening slightly more patiently to complaints. Things that are important, to be sure. But ultimately a lot closer to "doesn't have favorites" to "does" if we consider it a spectrum.

Or in other words - if we're talking about a parent who gives a child an extra 7 hours of attention over the course of a year, rather than, say, a parent who gives one kid a car for his birthday and the other a new sweater, can't we just go ahead and say that "no, I don't have favorites" is basically the truth?

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Jun 06 2022, 7:12 pm

amother [ Buttercup ] wrote:

I sincerely hope bluebonnet is kidding…

I love all of my children deeply. Their behavior doesn’t affect that in the slightest. There are definitely moments when I also like being around them more or less 😂. Even in those moments I make sure to let them know that the love doesn’t change.

Of course I'm kidding!
I never get this question. Obviously some children are easier at one moment more than another child. But they are all ours!! And for which child would you not stay up at night if they were chasvishalom unwell?? And which child would you not pay for expensive braces or whatever they need?! We all love our children the same, but it is normal to find parenting some at specific stages easier than others. (I find it changes over the years...)
Sorry for my sarcasm, I hate this question!

amother

Lightblue

Mon, Jun 06 2022, 7:28 pm

amother [ Opal ] wrote:

I’m just curious, have you experienced trauma? I’m wondering if it’s related. The moms who are saying that they do feel differently, some are saying that they have trauma.

Yes, I have experienced trauma and more than once.
I didn't understand what you were saying re trauma being connected to loving one's children? Kindly explain.
I love each one of my children deeply because they are my children, b'H - precious Gifts from Hashem. They are the highlights of my life.
If a parent expresses love to their child only if they did something good - eg. "Benny, you got a high mark on your Chumash test. You're amazing."
"Shira, I love you, you tidied your room so nicely."
The child feels that it isn't sincere love. Their parents love them only when they please them.
I know of such parents and it's a real shame on the parents-children bond.
OTOH children can feel if their parents love them just because, for no reason other than they are so very precious to them.
Unconditionally.

amother

Plum

Mon, Jun 06 2022, 8:09 pm

I think I love all my children equally, but I definitely like or relate to some better then others. There are those I would tolerate being locked in a room with longer than others.

I’m glad you all seem so much more perfect than I am.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jun 06 2022, 8:36 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Gosh no.

I love each of my kids for their own special selves. That is, not the same, and none more than the other. I love my oldest, so responsible and giving. I love my next one, so easygoing and caring. I love my youngest, so creative and fun. They each have their own core strengths, and I love them for being the unique individuals they are.

At any given time, all I need to do is think about each one's special and unique Maalos, and I love them.

I rarely disagree with Chayalle.
I would like to do so now, respectfully.
We shouldn't love our children because of their maalos.
I love my children because they are my children, even if at any given time I can't actually think about their maalos.

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

I love each one of my children deeply because they are my children, b'H - precious Gifts from Hashem. They are the highlights of my life.
If a parent expresses love to their child only if they did something good - eg. "Benny, you got a high mark on your Chumash test. You're amazing."
"Shira, I love you, you tidied your room so nicely."
The child feels that it isn't sincere love. Their parents love them only when they please them.
I know of such parents and it's a real shame on the parents-children bond.
OTOH children can feel if their parents love them just because, for no reason other than they are so very precious to them.
Unconditionally.

motherfrmisrael

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 3:19 am

one may have a favorite child at a given moment, and it can change. However, we love our kids so much that you can't quantify. so more/less becomes irrelevant.

This can be differnet when they are babies - it takes time to connect and get to know them 😍

amother

Opal

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 3:26 am

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

Are you saying that you don’t feel more love for your kids when you think about the ways which they give you Nachas?

Obviously the love shouldn’t be dependent on it but are you saying that it’s not affected?

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 3:26 pm

amother [ Opal ] wrote:

Maybe the way I relate to them at any given time is affected by their behavior etc. but love? No, I love them all, always, independent of the nachas I get from them.