DD11 said if we divorce it will ruin her life

amother

Navyblue

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:35 am

Just as a bad marriage will ruin your child’s chance for a great life, a divorce will effect your child greatly and many other peoples lives will be effected too.
I’m not divorced but I married someone who is divorced. His children from his previous marriage are greatly effected by the divorce. Believe it or not, our children that we have together who BH never lived through a divorce, are very effected by the fact that their father was previously married and they have a hard time answering the simple question of how many siblings they have. My life is constantly effected by the fact that my husband went through a divorce and has an ex wife and children who are from a previous marriage.
My husband is very effected by the divorce as it wasn’t something he wanted at the time although he admits that he is happier now. There is a lot of post traumatic stress as he suffered very much fighting for his rights to be with his children.
No one gets divorced and just walks away without scars. Of course you have to take your children into consideration.
If you are safe and not being abused you should think very hard before deciding to divorce especially since you have children.
Life won’t be perfect if you divorce. I realize that it’s far from perfect for you now. With the help of a competent therapist you need to figure out which alternative is worse. It’s really not so simple. Your daughter just wants to be like everyone else which is very normal at her age.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:19 am

I was a drop older than that when my parents separated about 12/13.
Of course I would have told my mother not to divorce (there was no abuse just not meant for each other and stuck together many many years) just as I told her at age 15 she should absolutely not remarry and I believe she pushed the idea off at that time.
And yes today 3 decades later I regret it because now she’s so alone and very lonely…
A preteen/ teen is thinking only about themselves not one drop about anyone else in the equation.
Yes you should send her to speak to someone… but please don’t make a decision based on your 11 year old that both she and you may regret later on.

amother

Pear

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 12:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't share with the children but obviously they pick up on things.
Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?

Why does she feel/ think this way? What part about it will ruin her life?

And, what are the circumstances under which you are considering divorce? Sometimes a couple needs to divorce and there is no other option. Other times the marriage can be fixed.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 1:00 pm

Tweens and teens do not have the perspective, experience, or wisdom to know what actually ruins lives.

Don't base your decision on anything so shaky. Make it based on your own self awareness, and the advice of people who have experience and wisdom.

mfb

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 1:17 pm

imasinger wrote:

Well said!!

amother

Lightcyan

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 3:02 pm

Please do whatever you can to create a peaceful environment in your home - even if divorce is on the table. You need to be kind to your children. I hope your and DH are in therapy. Once you've made all the effort you can and divorce is the only option then you will need to discuss with a therapist how to deal with your child

mfb

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 3:41 pm

amother [ Lightcyan ] wrote:

I’m presuming it’s somewhat peaceful in the home if daughter doesn’t want divorce.

amother

Navyblue

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 5:11 pm

mfb wrote:

I’m presuming it’s somewhat peaceful in the home if daughter doesn’t want divorce.

You can’t presume anything.
In general kids crave to be considered “normal” and not to stand out from everyone else. If op’s daughter had a few best friends with divorced parents she probably wouldn’t say what she said. She’s begging her mother to keep things as is so she won’t be looked at as strange. Possibly she doesn’t want to live without her father and she’s worried about that too. She just wants what almost everyone she knows has. A home with a mother and father.

nicole81

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 6:20 pm

This may sound bad to amothers who haven't divorced, but I think a child's opinion on this (and remarriage) matters a whole of zero percent.

What matters most is that you're a healthy individual and working through whatever issues on your end that have contributed to the devolvement of your marriage and/or led to your picking of this particular marriage partner. This process will make clear whether you can work through these issues with your spouse, or will need to work on your own inner self and divorce. At that point, trust your gut no matter what the kids or anyone else is saying.

And when it comes to remarriage, if a person is 100% healthy and healed and in a healthy relationship with positive patterns of behaviors and communication, including in conflict, then again what the kids say should mean nothing. Giving children such inordinate power over the rest of your life is, by definition, unhealthy.

A healthy household, whether run by a single parent, a couple of first timers, or a set of remarrieds, will ultimately always trump an unhealthy one in terms of raising a child, even if they believe otherwise.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 8:27 pm

A divorce will mess up her life. She's right about that.
I remember a certain time, when I was about your DD's age, when I was so afraid my parents would divorce. My parents were arguing about everything and anything. And I couldn't sleep at night.

I am forever grateful to them for working it out. They were never love birds. But at least they stopped yelling all day. And mine and my sibling's life were not turned upside down. They saved our childhood and future, they saved our home. We grew up healthy because both my parents were healthy and cared for us deeply. I believe they had us in mind when they worked so hard on their own relationship.
Fast forward 20 years, my parents respect each others and truly care for one another. We have happy parents to go to for Yomtov and they love hosting their grandkids.

OP, I hope I didn't sound insensitive ch"v. I have no idea what your story is. But I shared my story, from a daughter's point of view. Her fear is real. I'm impressed that she voiced her opinion to you! Shows that you have a healthy relationship with your kids!

amother

Pear

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:24 am

imasinger wrote:

Some of us sure did.

Sorry that hasn't been your experience.

And some (many?) parents don't have much self-awareness and can't tell the difference between someone with experience and wisdom and someone who is just a gossipy yenta.

It's disturbing that you judge perspective, experience, wisdom, and self-awareness, and the ability to seek out an appropriate person for advice, solely based on a person's age and whether they've had kids. Um, wow.

amother

Pear

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:26 am

nicole81 wrote:

Sure but it's a bit of a stretch to imagine that divorce will make a parent healthy and healed.

amother

Sage

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:37 am

nicole81 wrote:

That's a high bar.

imasinger

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 11:44 am

amother [ Pear ] wrote:

You must have been super mature, and likely in order to make up for a parent that was, well, not. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

In that situation, I agree there's a chance that an 11 year old might be making wiser decisions than a parent. But I think you'll find, BH, that's the rare exception, not the rule.

In the case of OP, where a child is telling her mom, "you'll ruin my life if you get divorced", the language is not that of a child with such wisdom and awareness. Think, perhaps, about what you might have said to dissuade a dysfunctional parent from doing something impulsive. If you truly had that maturity at a young age, you'd likely have put it better.

For those of us who suffered terribly in abusive marriages, and watched our children suffer too, divorce did bring greater health and healing.

There are many ways to put the fun in dysfunction.