So so sad about his crazy behaviour..

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 12:45 pm

Today I was doing carpool with 4 girls and my baby, and my 7 year old with Asd came with.
I know he doesnt get along with the girls but I had no choice this week to bring him with.

He started banging the girls bags, then hitting , then really hurting.
It escalated to the point, that the girls were pushing him away and running away from him and I had to pull him off them.
Then he starts going mad at
me that I hurt him

He starts kicking and bashing me up outside school.
I was so embaressed , I wished the floor would open up.
All the parents and teachers were around and im sure they all saw.
Never mind that I eventually managed to get him in the car, but still he carried on talking really not nicely to them.

I told him were not going to his club,not having treats etc etc nothing worked.

When we got home I tried to chat with him.
He said sorry but he also said one of the girls was being so mean and Eating a sweet specially and showing off.
I know he just doesnt click with this girl.

As Im busy tryig again and again to get through to him we are not allowed be physical with other people and esp not a mother he just pipes up
"Mommy how do you get lines on your head?"
(Frown lines when I shout on my forehead)..

I could have cried right then.
I had to go to the bathroom for a min to calm down Crying

He just doesnt get it.
And hes probly ruined my whole carpool for the girls. And they wont want to carry on with us.
One of the mothers had already asked me if I can try make sure her daughter doesnt get hurt as shes very sensitive.

Already I have no carpool for him cos the last persom remaining dropped out cos he waa being too difficult.

He just ruins everything.
I cant anymore.
I m so embaressed that I cant manage him. Crying

mha3484

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 1:21 pm

Its very very challenging. What kind of support does he get? You should also be getting help. Raising a child like this is HARD. It takes a village of kind supportive people to get through it.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:08 pm

First of all, I send you hugs and chizzuk.
I understand that you are distressed and embarrassed. If you take yourself out of it for a second and switch places to see things from his perspective and processing, he and you are not seeing and experiencing the same thing. What is no big deal to you is a huge deal and trigger for him.
You need professional help and guidance on how to work with this type of child. There are interventions and strategies that help.
In your example of how he talked about the lines on your forehead, I'd like to share something I just learned after many years in chinuch as well as being a braintraining coach. You know how we often insist that a child look at us when we are talking to them? I recently participated in a masterclass, taught by a real seasoned expert who is well known in the field of creating and understanding ways to help these types of children. He told us that these kids often cannot look you in the face and process what you are saying at the same time. They have to look down or away in order to absorb your words. Otherwise, they see details that the rest of us wouldn't notice and they are totally distracted and derailed. This is only one example of how they process differently.

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:33 pm

Oh man, totally been there done that.

Before we get into long winded discussions about behavior therapy and changing his mechanisms for dealing with his own anxiety, we have to set short term goals.

You have to set yourself up for technical success. If he’s difficult in carpool, put him in the front seat away from everyone else. Yes, he’s seven. Yes, I know all the haters are going to kill me for suggesting this. But when you have a physically violent kid, you have to take measures that aren’t ideal to protect everyone. And he will feel protected because you’re telling him “I know you don’t like the girls, so your special treat for coming and if you behave is to sit in the front.”

Also, bring a distractor. A favored game or toy or (gasp!) a screen/device of some kind. He can take your phone for example.

In this way, you can make clear to any carpool you have had in the past that from now on, you’re putting barriers in place to help keep your child cool and level headed, and they might want to carpool with you again.

What’s done is done. Move on from yesterday. You hurt him, you feel shame, and that shame will help you avoid doing it again. Practice walking away. Practice other strategies to avoid being in a power struggle.

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 3:06 pm

amother [ NeonBlue ] wrote:

Quote:

What’s done is done. Move on from yesterday. You hurt him, you feel shame, and that shame will help you avoid doing it again. Practice walking away. Practice other strategies to avoid being in a power struggle.

Thank you so much everyone.
And thank you so much for this post where you took the time to write practical tips.

He already sits in the front, I think he knows its for damage control.
For some reason he never likes to anyway, so its not a treat.
Yes, eventually I gave him my phone, not sure what else I could bring...?

I dont know how it could make it something special for him.
Sometimes I bring treats but I end up threatening him so much its not worth ir.

Also what did you mean by the bolded?

His behaviour just continued for the rest of the evening.
Starting on girls outside and then going abs crazy at me (spittting , kicking throwing) because I called him in.
We live on a cul de cac sort of road and theres always kids playing outside, its really hars.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 3:18 pm

OP would you consider having him evaluated for pandas by a pandas literate MD? My ds acted this way before pandas treatment. Now after treatment the rages, aggression , meltdowns and anxiety are about 90% better.

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 3:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I misread your post I thought you said that by bringing him inside your hurt him and was upset about that.

Okay. More technical success: why does he have to come with you for carpool? How long does it take?

About the violent behavior, he’s a bit young to start on medication. What behavioral strategies have you tried? Extinction? Consequences? Maybe an ice dive to regulate emotions?

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 4:34 pm

I'm so sorry to hear!!

Would highly recommend the book autistic logistics. Not an answer for everything but gives tools.

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 4:41 pm

amother [ NeonBlue ] wrote:

No, this was referring to earlier where I had to physically pull him away from one of the girls.

I told him Im sorry you got hurt, but you were really hurting the girls I first asked you nicely a few times and when it got so bad yes I had to take you off and pull you away and Im sorry you got hurt.

No, I wasnt saying I feel bad that I hurt him, because It wasnt like that.
I really dont like it when he speaks that way, as if implying that I would hurt him, as a mother.

Of course I wouldnt have brought him if I didnt have to!!
They are in a co ed school so the boys and girls finish same time so I had to take him and his sister with her carpool day!

What are these methods?
Havent heard of them.

mha3484

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 4:43 pm

Who diagnosed your son? What type of supports did they recommend to you?

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 4:54 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Who diagnosed your son? What type of supports did they recommend to you?

Im not in US.

Didnt get any support from body that diagnosed him.

If anyone has any a similar situation would like to hear more practical tips.
And obv was just venting aswel.

Thank you so much.

mha3484

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:03 pm

I have a child that has severe ADHD and was very very difficult at that age. I have a diff kid that also has ADD and is very defiant he is actually 7. I can really relate its hard. Some things that helped me was therapy, medication, the book called The Explosive Child and for my older son a year at a theraputic school did wonders.

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:08 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Thank you.
I actually bought that book per recommendations on this site, but I got as far as the part that says you need to print out aome sort of chart...

We cant get medication for him at the moment, would love to have him on something..
He doesnt have good social skills..

mha3484

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:17 pm

What kind of therapies are available in your country?

amother

Springgreen

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:29 pm

Can you skip doing driving carpool and offer to pay for gas instead? It doesn’t sound like you have an easy solution to the behavior problem, other kids in the carpool are scared of your son, and it would be a relief to just not have to deal with it.

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