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High functioning autism 13 year old and shul



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:10 am
Just looking for perspective. If you have a very high functioning autistic boy turning 13 - he goes to regular school, camp however has difficulty with social settings, sensory and impulse control does your son:

1. Go to shul on shabbos/weekday. If so how long, is it every week etc.
2. Have extra days off
3. Fast on major fast days

Just looking to see what is "norm" in this arena.
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amother
Rainbow


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:16 am
There’s no norm. You need to aylor in every case. We were told it has to do with level of understanding when it comes to wearing new clothes in sefira etc, but we haven’t asked about fasting yet.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:19 am
TY - looking for moms just past my stage.

He is a sweet kid however he simply cannot go to shul. He says - I can't go. He plays at home. He has trouble sitting in class in school but somehow manages almost a full day.

He is turning 13 in a few months and instead of feeling frustrated with him I'd love to hear moms who are in my situation to know what to expect.
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amother
Glitter


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:20 am
My son is 13 and has HFA
We are very careful to make yiddishkeit a positive thing so in general we are relaxed about our son's observance. We try not to push too hard because then he might resist and get really angry and resentful. He davens shacharis and mincha at school during the weekday and goes to shul on Friday night and shobbos for shacharis (late) and mincha maariv ( usually). On off days at school, he doesn't go at all. I don't know how much time spends actually davening in shul because I'm not there. if he says he doesn't want to go we let it go. DS was very upset before he turned 13 that he would be forced to got I shul every day and we told him we would never force him to go to shul. We are trying to stick to that. Dh is not home by mincha/maariv during the week so my hands are ties there. Maybe I should start asking DS if he would go alone or find someone in the neighborhood who would pick him up.
I don't know if we are.doing the right thing by being so relaxed about shul, this is just how we have been handling every other aspect of raising him and it is bh working well for all of us.
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amother
Glitter


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:27 am
I see there are 2 other questions
As for taking days off, when he asks for one I usually let if it's been a few weeks since the last one and he can't ask in the morning, it has to be scheduled. He is pretty happy I'm his school now so he only asked once or twice this year. Other years it was way more often and I texted hard to accommodate when he asked. I know my kid is not taking advantage of this and really needs it when he asks.
As for the fasting, he has fasted on a minor fast so far and will continue to observe all fasts. He is ok with that and takes it as a given that he is now an adult and will do what the other men are doing in this respect.
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amother
Azalea


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:34 am
I have a 15 yr old son with very HFASD. Fast days have never been an issue. Shul is a problem. During the week he davens in school. Over Shabbos, I encourage him to go to at least one tefila but don't force. I've been totally open with him. "You know you should be davening with a minyan and as soon as you feel ready, you'll go. But it is between you and HKBH. If there's anything I can do to help, please tell me. Every person is a work in progress."

It might help to find a very small shul with a quick minyan where he doesn't find it as difficult. I've also found that when a friend picks him up he is more likely to go.

Days off he takes when he literally can't face the day. It doesn't happen too often but we've BH gotten to the point where he'll say "I need a day off to recharge" instead of acting out until we understand.

I don't know if we're right or wrong but this is how we keep yidishkeit positive and not pressured while encouraging the right attitude.
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amother
Tomato


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:41 am
I have a 15 year old with HFA. When he was 12, he could never stay in shul, and often didn't go.

DH and I made it a priority to work with him to go, praise and reward him for staying in for gradually longer blocks of time. When I could, I would go too, so that I could go out when he left, and encourage him back in.

By the time of his bo bayom, he was better, but still pretty inconsistent. But, BH, BH, BH, time, patience, praise, great rebbeim, and maturity all helped, and now, he takes attendance at shul very seriously, and very responsible.

Keep in mind that if you've seen one kid with ASD, you've seen....one kid with ASD. But I just thought it might help to know that there are success stories.
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:45 am
I would go to a shul where there are not a lot of children, not Carlebach or something like that. Days of can help to get some energy, after chag I need to gain my strength most of the time and that takes for me a week. But better is to know what drains you and what gains you so you find out what helps you.
I fast always on thisa b av and Yom Kippur not on the other days. DH who has ADHD but has a busy job tries to fast on minor fast days but especially in summer when the zman is at 11 he will eat as normal (right now shabbos is over at 11:15 at night so it's hard). Also consult a rav who is sweet and caring. Don't go to a rav who will tell u that he just has to man up, or take valerian nad that is everything.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 9:49 am
amother [ Tomato ] wrote:
I have a 15 year old with HFA. When he was 12, he could never stay in shul, and often didn't go.

DH and I made it a priority to work with him to go, praise and reward him for staying in for gradually longer blocks of time. When I could, I would go too, so that I could go out when he left, and encourage him back in.

By the time of his bo bayom, he was better, but still pretty inconsistent. But, BH, BH, BH, time, patience, praise, great rebbeim, and maturity all helped, and now, he takes attendance at shul very seriously, and very responsible.

Keep in mind that if you've seen one kid with ASD, you've seen....one kid with ASD. But I just thought it might help to know that there are success stories.


This post gives me tremendous chizzuk TY
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amother
Tomato


 

Post Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:04 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This post gives me tremendous chizzuk TY


I'm glad!

One more thing -- when he went into 9th grade and had both mincha and maariv at school, that really helped, too.

It has been impressed on DH that anything he can do to be there and take DS during summer and other breaks is well worth the time.
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Stillgrowing2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 11 2023, 10:06 am
Thank you for starting this thread! Just reading it has given me a lot of chizuk and food for thought.
My son will be 13 in a month and change, and he also has very hfasd.
He’s been fasting every fast for a year now because he wants to. Never an issue there.
It’s davening that’s hard for him. His difficulty is that he so badly wants to, but then his mind keeps wandering, and he gets so frustrated with himself, and it sets off a whole self hatred spiral that is so so hard to watch.
We’ve been trying to encourage him to go to Shul on Shabbos about an hour before davening ends. We’ve been trying to help him think about what he wants to focus on that day. So he often picks one perek or one bracha or one thought to focus on and to connect to Hashem. He says it sometimes works.
School minyan is a huge problem because they just don’t get that it’s not an issue of laziness or lack of willpower. That makes it worse because my poor boy internalizes these thoughts and feels a failure. 😢
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Tue, Jul 11 2023, 10:31 am
I have a 12 year old with HFA and ADHD (will be bar mitzvah in 5 months). He davens shacharis and Mincha at school no problem, it isn't that long. Shabbos and yt davening is tough, and we don't expect him to manage it at this point. He's just not there. Truth be told, dh is also HFA and ADHD and still struggles with making minyan and doesn't sit through the whole thing on shabbos and yt (he's one of the guys who sets up kiddush). So part modeling issue, but also dh is obviously understanding of where ds is at and what can be expected of him at this time. He did not receive the same understanding and that plays a role in why davening is still hard for him. He hopes being understanding with ds will mean ds will iyh have an easier time in the future.

No issue fasting. He's fasted the last several fasts and done fine. Then again, he's one of those people who can get so hyperfocused he forgets to eat, so it makes sense that he's ok fasting with sufficient distraction.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 11 2023, 12:04 pm
I am the OP - it's exactly one year later. And he still does not go Sad
Super hard for me. He is not exactly the easiest kid to have around to begin with so his not being in shul on shabbos just makes things even harder. And don't get me started on yom tov. Truly a torture.

Here or there he will go mincha or maariv. We catch him in super calm moments and offer the opportunity to go otherwise I don't bring it up.

We can only pave the way for him to want to go...
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 11 2023, 12:04 pm
And like many posters wrote - shachris by yeshiva bh is not a problem. Fasting also bh not a problem...
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Stillgrowing2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 11 2023, 12:09 pm
amother OP wrote:
I am the OP - it's exactly one year later. And he still does not go Sad
Super hard for me. He is not exactly the easiest kid to have around to begin with so his not being in shul on shabbos just makes things even harder. And don't get me started on yom tov. Truly a torture.

Here or there he will go mincha or maariv. We catch him in super calm moments and offer the opportunity to go otherwise I don't bring it up.

We can only pave the way for him to want to go...


Hugs to you. It’s so hard. How does he spend his time on those days?

Is his school supportive?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 11 2023, 4:32 pm
Stillgrowing2 wrote:
Hugs to you. It’s so hard. How does he spend his time on those days?

Is his school supportive?


He walks around the house bored, reads a bit. It's very very tough.

School is somehow fine
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