Ds refuses time out-ideas??

BrisketBoss

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 2:15 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Behappy, I would not reward bad. Behavior with extra induvidual attention.

That will likely INCREASE the bad behavior.

Connection time is a need, not a reward.

Of course, you should always focus on connection. Not only when there are undesirable behaviors. You don't want to give the message that those behaviors are required for attention.

I agree with Behappy. Addressing behavior only works in the short term. Finding and addressing the cause of behavior is a stronger solution.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 2:18 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Behappy, I would not reward bad. Behavior with extra induvidual attention.

That will likely INCREASE the bad behavior.

If that’s what the kid needs then it would be remiss to deprive them from it. If not at time of unwanted behavior, then at other times. If you think that’s whTs getting the kid to act out then what an easy solution! Fill em up with extra individual attention !

BrisketBoss

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 2:22 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

The connection should not be given in response to Bad Behavior. That is INCENTIVIZING bad behavior.

Give attention for good behavior and for neutral behavior.

The bad times can be when they need you the most. If you ignore or punish them, then they're in trouble and you're only adding to the disconnection. Can't fight disconnection with more disconnection.

behappy2

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 2:28 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Behappy, I would not reward bad. Behavior with extra induvidual attention.

That will likely INCREASE the bad behavior.

It's not rewarding. It's deescalating. It's also keeping everyone safe at the same time. This has worked for me. This helps get to the root of why this is happening. You connect. They talk. You make changes together.

She has nothing to lose. If it makes it worse she can try something else. Right now whatever she is doing is clearly not working or she wouldn't be posting.

amother

Lightyellow

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 2:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

When ds gets angry he starts acting out physically, hurting whoever is around him. Dh, me and kids. I tell him when acting that way he needs to go "time out" till calms down. But he refuses to go and continues to hurt everyone.

I feel so ashamed/ feel abusive what I do. I hate doing it but dont know any other solutions so was hoping someone here can help me out.

He's 12 (I know he's big for that), so I can't just lift him and put him somewhere. I literally drag him to my garage (while he tries holding on to the door frame, chair... to prevent me from doing that) I lock him into garage and tell him that as soon as he's ready to behave he can come back out (which can take a while for him to admit)

I feel so abusive doing that. But I can't let him hurt my other kids either.

Any ideas??

Didn't read the thread. We back up time out with a secondary consequence.

Like if you don't sit time-out then no screen time tomorrow. If you don't sit your time-out then you can't go to your friend's house tomorrow. Etc. Make it something they don't want to lose. Then they have a motivation to sit the corner. If they don't sit corner then you take away the privilege, but they had an option to avoid that step, if they chose to....

amother

Beige

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 2:49 pm

He needs to be taught to recognize how it feels when he is starting to escalate and then a variety of different calming tools he can use in the moment. He can then be rewarded for using his calming tools when appropriate.
I have a son like this too. Together we made a "calm down jar" in which we put slips of paper with different activities he can use. He tries one at time until he calms down and is regulated. There are also some curriculums designed to help with regulation. Zones of Regulation and How Does my Engine Run are a couple out there.