I want to not be resentful, I want to do better for my kids

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:03 am

DrMom wrote:

I think the best gift you can give your daughter is a good education, solid middot, and a sense of responsibility, so that she will be able to make it in this world without relying on gifts or dowries.

Yes this is very true. My husband already said he doesnt want our children to go through what we have been through financially (husband was in yeshiva no training etc) he wants them to have a good education.

reminds me of the quote: If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime...

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:06 am

amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote:

I think this is very powerful.

Another way of saying it is, instead of comparing yourself to OTHERS, compare yourself to YOURSELF - compare what you have to what you want to have.

If what you want is nice china, start putting aside money for that.
If what you want is a savings account, transfer a few dollars a week in and increase when you can.
If what you want is jewelry, work towards getting it.

Also enjoy the fact that now that you are already running a home for a bit, you have a better sense of your needs and wants. Your dishes and small appliances purchases are based on the way you know you cook, the way you run your Shabbos table.

And in a few years, it will barely make a difference that you got them now instead of before your wedding. They'll just have a few years less of wear and tear.

So true. I am more appreciative of things my DH worked hard on buying me.
Good reminder.

In a way I want my daughters to feel accepted and like everyone else, but do I really want them to grow up entitled like me and be upset over not recieving something? (im really trying not to feel entitled, its 2 years and im not crying over it, but it does sting when I see things others have or get. im really working on it..)

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:08 am

amother [ Hibiscus ] wrote:

All of these threads are not relevant for BTs.
When BTs get married the dynamic is completely different.

I guess you knew what kind of a family you were marrying into. My dh‘s parents were not in the position to buy me any crazy stuff. Dh was though but he was also a bt. I had no expectations and resentment towards them.

It's very true. But I associate myself with the yeshivish community- we dress the part, talk the talk.. you could never tell I'm a BT...

My husbands family are chareidi. Not American. I knew I wasnt marrying into the typical Bk/five towns family but I guess I didnt really know until I was in it.

there must be a secret club for BTs to discuss things IRL LOL

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:10 am

amother [ DarkCyan ] wrote:

Speaking as a bt married 25 years now, you have to get over comparing your circumstances to ffb peers. Of course you had to research your own shidduchim, of course you didn’t get lavish engagement gifts. You don’t have an ffb family support system and you never will. You’re going to be on your own to make yt and simchas, you’re going to be on your own to figure out so many things you don’t even know about yet. I wish someone had told me early on to stop trying to fit in and blend with the ffbs. I should have put my energy into forming strong friendships with other people who don’t have family support, so we could be there for each other, bt or not. I did end up doing that but only after years of trying to pass.

All very true...
Yet why am I so resentful at all of these? My mother isnt frum, what do I expect?

Re the bolded: what kind of things haha Banging head

Thanks for telling me early on. Everyone around me has frum family. I don't know any other BTs

amother

Pear

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:44 am

Zehava wrote:

Did you choose your spouse? Many Frum kallahs don’t get to do that. It’s a package deal.

How did this post get 18 likes?
Do so many people on here come from dysfunctional, ultra-Chassidish families?
(Because, surprise! Most Chassidish kallahs do have a say regarding who they marry.)

I don't understand why there's a need to make these sweeping, negative inaccurate generalizations about the frum world.

I'm sorry for anyone who had to go through something like that. And the dysfunctional, often abusive childhood they had to go through as well.

But STOP making it sound like it's the norm.

OP, to your original post:

I understand why you would feel resentful, especially if everyone around you is getting things. I'm wondering if in general you felt valued and appreciated by your in-laws as a kallah (and now). If you did, try to focus on that. Realize that they appreciate you but buying gifts is not their way of expressing it.
If you didn't, maybe there is a deeper issue here and you're just pinning it on the "gifts".

amother

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 10:50 am

amother [ Pear ] wrote:

OP, to your original post:

I understand why you would feel resentful, especially if everyone around you is getting things. I'm wondering if in general you felt valued and appreciated by your in-laws as a kallah (and now). If you did, try to focus on that. Realize that they appreciate you but buying gifts is not their way of expressing it.
If you didn't, maybe there is a deeper issue here and you're just pinning it on the "gifts".

How do in laws show appreciation and value towards a kallah besides gifts?
They always tell my husband hes so lucky to have married me LOL

and that Im a balabusta etc.

In general I dont have a such a relationship with my in laws they live in a different country. I try my hardest to call my MIL but whenever I try opening up about a struggle I have at work or something I have going on she just says "hashem will provide He is good" its never a back and forth convo where I can DMC with her. Maybe Im also upset about a lack in our relationship. My friends go shopping with their MILs or go for shabbos. We go once a year.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 11:14 am

I’m an ffb and married one as well. Got lots of gifts and even money towards a down payment.
I’m thankful for all that, BUT trust me- no one in their right mind would ever want the package deal that all that came with.
(On another note, I’ve often said that I’m jealous of BTs because they often grew up with the freedom to chart their own path and choose their own lifestyle, to form the relationship with Hashem that suits their own neshama. In ffb circles, it is kind of unacceptable to move to Tzfas, for example if you grew up in BP. )

Want my advice?
Embrace your life. Say שעשה לי כל צרכי every morning and mean it. Hashem gave you exactly what you need.

amother

Jean

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 11:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How do in laws show appreciation and value towards a kallah besides gifts?
They always tell my husband hes so lucky to have married me LOL

Why do you need to feel appreciated by your ILs? (Need to feel loved or cared for I can see but appreciated? I don’t get it)

amother

Hibiscus

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 1:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

All very true...
Yet why am I so resentful at all of these? My mother isnt frum, what do I expect?

Re the bolded: what kind of things haha Banging head

Thanks for telling me early on. Everyone around me has frum family. I don't know any other BTs

I had my first bar mitzva last year.
I was seriously traumatized
I made a few mistakes people got hurt because I didn’t invite them or notbon time or wasn’t clear enough or whatever

There was so so much to do and I felt so alone with dh. I had zero guidance because our rabbi said „everyone does their own thing“. He doesn’t really know how to guide BTs because there are just so many hidden things.

I seriously dread simchos that I was so looking forward to.

Etc

sbil

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 11:32 am

I was in a similar situation as you. Both mine and my husband's family are BT. I grew up frum so knew all that kallahs are expected to get. But my husband didn't. I was a bit surprised that I didn't receive any gift in the yihud room. I just kept saying to myself, BH I got a great husband. And to be honest after a number of kids my husband said let's get you candlesticks. Those candlestics mean so much more to me because they were given wholeheartedly and not out of pressure to be check off the list.

amother

Darkblue

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:27 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

This is what I thought about when I read the original op. Gifts not always but often come with expectations. To live in a certain place, to buy certain things, to name after, to dress certain ways, to send children to certain schools etc...... I married into a poor family and my inlaws bought me candlesticks and machzorim. My husband bought a bracelet and ring. I'm so grateful to be able to live life making my own choices, because my in laws have no expectations from us.

little neshamala

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

lol I kno
but regardless, even without imamother, this is what the frum world does. mothers, MILs and kallahs write here their experience. whats the difference if im reading it or seeing and hearing it in person?
people talk when theyre engaged about what they get

This isnt true. This is what some of the frum world does. Just because there are posters here who post all about making chicken stir fry, it doesnt mean that everyone does. Truly. Right? Same with everything else.

I grew up ffb, in regular ole monsey ny. I didnt get all the gifts youre thinking of, or the furniture etc etc and I didnt feel the need to either. Im also not that unique. I know of many others.

Stop thinking youre the odd one out, because it isnt true, and its eating you up.

amother

Hosta

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:35 pm

I’m ffb and so is dh. I didn’t get half of what you got, OP. Don’t know if that makes you feel better. I bought my own furniture with my own money. And dh and I both work to pay for things.
We just aren’t shouting that from the rooftops… and yes I have lots of entitled bratty classmates who say the dumbest things about what their parents/ in laws got them. Once, my “friend” commented on something I had picked out and bought (myself) she’s like whoa whoever bought that for you sure cheaped out…

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I grew up in NY very in town. I became frum and married a FFB guy. Not american.

Ive been reading these threads about things kallahs get, a dowry, money to set up an apartment..

My parents were very much of the mentality that if youre old enough to get married ur old enough to figure things out...I find that the frum world infantilizes kallahs.

I got a couch from wayfair, my dining room table and chairs are from my parents (ikea) bc they renovated and got fancier stuff, my milchig dishes and cutlery are from home goods, my fleishig dishes I got from home goods too but I havent even toveled them yet. ive been using 4 plates from my mothers storage she didnt need. I got my beds from a gemach...

I got chrystal candlesticks, a siddur, a watch, a real ring, and earrings from my in laws. they dont have money.

I feel resentful when I see these threads of kallahs complaining about what they didn't get. And I also get resentful of posters who say what they did get and how much their parents help them. I shouldnt have clicked on these threads and read them. I was upset going into shabbos and my husband got defensive because he asked me why I was upset and I stupidly told him.

Im married 2 years for reference. I have a small baby. I want to invest for her so that when she is a kallah I am able to give her what I never received. And I read on another thread that someone was able to buy a house because by the time she was married she had thousands saved since when she was a baby.

Any advice? or chizuk?

I'm ffb. Very American. No support, some help setting up. I'm not resentful of that but do wish I had been better prepared. I'm telling myself some not helpful things many years later.
I don't mind second hand furniture, it's usually better made.
Do you have life skills? A decent job you're competent at? You're way ahead of where I was. Try to focus on the brachos in your life and be optimistic Good luck! And mazel tov on your princess!

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes BH I have a great husband and delicious baby! Smile

Were you ever resentful? How long are you married?
Maybe since Im married 2 years and I still have friends getting engaged now I see/hear what they get and its more "in my face"
or maybe im just a brat LOL

Or maybe you're human and normal and you can learn the self talk you need when the gremlins hit that's what I'm doing.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I got married at 25. not really "young" in the frum world. shidduchim was very difficult as I didnt have my mother doing research for me. I am resentful of everything I had to do during shidduchim (talk to shadchan, advocate for myself, research etc. I tried asking my rav and his wife but they got busy and had their own kids to deal with...)

yes bH I have what I need. but im trying to let go of resentment
do u know how I can give it up?

Sorry about the shidduchim process without a parent to work for you. But bH you did good, it sounds like!

amother

Phlox

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:13 pm

This is why my husband hates ima mother. We all have different lives. My bubby died during my engagement. My parents were in a fog for several weeks. I had to do a lot myself. While mourning my grandmother. I also married into a simple family. I didn't get fancy anything. But I did get pretty things. I learned that you don't have to spend to enjoy.