Need help so husband can find job

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:26 pm

We have been married 5 years and I have tried being patient with husband and letting him figure out his own way to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He has done all kinds of jobs, mashgiach, assistant teacher, office work and can't figure out what he wants to do.
He doesn't have any monetizable hobbies or anything like that.
He needs guidance because the jobs he has been able to get so far didn't require much responsibility, experience, or education but they also don't bring in enough money to support a household and have no room to grow (we don't live in tristate area and even with me working we are barely breaking even and can't imagine ever being able to afford a house or nice things or vacations).
I am so frustrated at this point and don't know what others do to find jobs and make it work. But somehow I feel like from our entire community of young and middle aged couples, we are the ones on the smallest budget and making the least income.
I can't stop crying not knowing what is going to be. We feel like we can't have more kids until we figure this out because how will we pay our out of pocket for medical bills and how will we be able to survive without my income?
I feel trapped.

So anyone have advice or know of a great career coach that can help my husband see his skills and value and help him figure out what he wants to do and how to make a resume that can help him get a job.

Also forgot to mention he also did one of those 10 month crash course boot camps for coding but he feels like he doesn't know enough to get a job in that field and no one wants to hire someone who doesn't know much and needs to be trained in.

amother

Tealblue

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 3:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Forgive me if this does not help- hopefully other mothers will chime in.

I am you 15 years down the line. Husband is the same way. And I was exactly like you. I very much wanted to stay home, keep house, stay on top of the kids, be an awesome mom and wife, however Hashem had other plans for me. No matter how much I tried to coax, encourage, "assist", beg, cry, demand, set boundaries, become enraged, become kind - no matter what I did my husband could not get a job.

Over the years, with time and wisdom I realized that I cannot control another person - I can only take charge of my own actions. I realized that nothing I do will change him or the situation. I have to take finances into my own hands. I worked like a dog at my job and still do. I work night and day - I work a second job and bh - we are not in debt, cover our monthly expense, give a bit of maaser and save a bit for retirement through my Hussle and shear motivation to make money.

I've learned to be kind to my husband - for a man to not make money is so so difficult. I learned to focus on what I can do and not on what he should do. I focus on the benefits that he brings to marriage and not on what he can't.

Most of all I've learned to take a very very active role in the financial security of my family.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:05 pm

amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:

This is really such amazing advice. But I’m not sure if OPs husband just is uneducated and can’t get a job or is unmotivated? If the latter, your advice is perfect. If the former, well, he needs to go to school while he works.

OP, are you working?

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:34 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Can you give us a ballpark where you live?

I feel like I can't say because it will be too identifying but we live in an out of town community in the US closer to the east coast. We actually lived in a different country and moved here because we wanted to move to the US because my husband couldn't legally work in the other country and we had job opportunities here but the job he got was supposed to be temporary just until we can find something a little better but we haven't been able to find something else for him.

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:42 pm

OP here
My husband does have motivation which I am so grateful for. He just lacks the necessary skills to find a job. He doesn't know where to begin and how to "sell" himself. He also has a confidence problem and a lot of hate towards the yeshiva system he was raised with because it didn't set him up with how to provide for a family.
Going to school is something he is interested in but both of us can't figure out how people do this. I know you can get some grants and loans but we would need enough to live off of, not just the tuition. And he doesn't know what he wants to go to school for. He also isn't the most academic person...
He's also not really entrepreneur material so can't really go and do something on his own.

I teach but it's really not a big income but helps with our kids tuition. It drains me a lot and I don't want to go back to teaching next year because of that. I am trying to see if I can get my own small business off the ground. But we do need that teaching income so it's really hard for me to know that the effort I put into my small business might have to be set aside for the school year because I just can't do both.

Also he is working currently which I'm so grateful for but he says he hates it and doesn't make enough (40k before taxes are taken off) ... He is able to keep a job and isn't fired from all his previous jobs. He just quits because he is so annoyed at the job and not happy and wants to try something else. But I really am so ready to feel settled financially.

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:46 pm

amother [ Lotus ] wrote:

Is he interested in getting a job?
If yes that’s a very good thing
Shaina Karen is a very well known career coach
But she charges nice money
You said he took a coding course, does he enjoy it? Every industry someone will go into will take time to learn. No one can climb to the top just from taking a course. You get better at it as you’re actually doing the work. There should be places that will hire beginners

He says he doesn't know if he enjoys it. He really doesn't know what he wants. It's like he has an anxiety or mental block against deciding things and verbalizing how he feels about it.

amother

Lotus

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 4:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Op just like anything in life in order to be successful at work you need to put in a lot of work to get there.
He should really work on his confidence so he can feel like he can do a good job at work.
No job will be easy from the start and he won’t know everything when he starts a job wether he goes to school or not.
It takes time to learn things at a job for everyone. It seems like he thinks people have it that way but no one does

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 5:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can he take additional coding courses to improve his skills? It’s a pretty lucrative field

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 10:25 pm

amother [ Raspberry ] wrote:

Not being able to make decisions comes with depression. Is he depressed by any chance?

I think it could be that. Or he just doesn't have a analytically inclined brain...
We had a really rough beginning of our marriage and seen a marriage therapist which helped a lot. I was convinced he has mild autism or something preventing him from being as functional as other guys. Before e got married he had a job idea and basically lied saying that he's all set with that and I should tell ppl that this job is what he will do. But then in reality he just felt hopeless and has had trouble figuring things since then...
But she thought he was fine. He tried seeing a therapist alone but they didn't click and I won't be able to make him try again.
I do feel like he is not the most intelligent person and I'm not saying that to bash him or anything. He is just not a quick thinker or someone who is creative and sometimes I do think that maybe he just has a low IQ... It hurt a lot at the beginning when I realized that but I've started to get over it. Now I just don't know what we are practically going to do money wise.
If it was up to me I would look for a well paying job but I also have no education. I have skills though.
Tonight he finally asked for help to work on his resume. He has been telling me that he has been applying for jobs and not getting responses. Turns out he didn't have a resume... So we did that and I hope he finds something. He just has no idea what he's looking for.