Daughter changed her mind about sleep away camp

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:10 pm

Our DD, 16 years old has never gone to sleep away camp before ( she did go on a traveling camp where she stayed overnight for 3 nights) she goes to Shabbatons and to friends houses on a regular basis, always enjoying.
This summer, many of her friends were doing different things that for whatever reasons didn’t appeal to her. She wanted to go on a traveling camp - we signed her up for one that we both thought would be a good fit hashkafacly etc. however, she does not know anyone going.
Last week, she started experiencing extreme anxiety ( she already has an underlying anxiety and sees a therapist) her therapist will meet with her a few more times this week, but she is supposed to leave on her trip ( flying to another state) next week.
At what point do we just give into the anxiety and say, ok, don’t go? Do we wait til the day of ?
I just want to do the right thing . This is bitterly hard . And yes,honestly, I can’t help but think about the thousands of dollars that we paid for naught - we see really not in s great financial situation, but worked hard to pay to give her this experience 😩😩

amother

Marigold

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:20 pm

Is the anxiety about something specific? Maybe you can help her adjust ahead of time.

If it's the flight, maybe watching some videos of actual flights can help.
If it's the program, see if you can look at photos from previous years together and discuss the issues that might come up.
If it's the girls, perhaps the director can give you the contact information of someone going and they can get together beforehand.

If DD was excited before, I would probably try to make it work. I'd think it would be good for her, in addition to enjoyable.

If she was not happy about it from the beginning, I might just drop it. Maybe you can gift her place in camp to an even less well-off family to enjoy to make you feel better? Or they may have a waitlist and can refund your money.

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:24 pm

Would she be more willing to go if she had an out? If after x amount of days she's miserable she can leave and come home?

Was the expense discussed with her when she decided she wanted to go? Does she understand the amount of money being thrown away? I would probably make her pay back (be it through chores, or babysitting money, or whatever) some portion of it just to make sure she understands the gravity of this, that there are consequences for not following through.

Is there anyone going on the trip who she could meet now (even on zoom if not local) so that she doesn't feel like she's going alone?

At the end of the day I wouldn't (and probably couldn't) force a child to go no matter what, but I wouldn't make backing out easy either. Words mean something and commitments mean something.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 6:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you brainstorm with your daughter some ways to reduce her anxiety?
Is it possible for the camp to make a texting group/conference call/Zoom meeting before so the girls won’t be total strangers?
Can someone fly with her?

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 7:59 pm

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

Tell her she has to tutor or work during the summer to pay you back a third?

Would you do the same if a kid with migraines had an attack??

She has underlying anxiety. Does she take medication? I’m sure she will also be incredibly disappointed to miss out.

I would encourage going with an out of a week in.

Unless- can you find someone to take her slot (even for less than you paid)? Would the camp allow? Maybe they even have a waiting list.

amother

Dimgray

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 8:07 pm

amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:

Unfortunately anxiety is a spectrum while other illnesses are black and white. I would not force a child to go to camp with severe anxiety, but making her pay back a third doesn't activate the anxiety and incentivizes trying to slowly overcome it. People do have to try to overcome their anxiety in life. Severe anxiety, maybe not, but no one can look at another human yet and medically diagnose at what point normal anxiety becomes severe anxiety. So we err on the side that it's severe by not forcing going to camp, but on the contingency it's not severe, there is the relatively harmless condition of paying some of it back.

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 4:20 am

I had the exact same thing. I have underlying anxiety and the summer I was going to camp for the first time (I was 13) was the same dance with my parents.
They made it obvious that I was going while still acknowledging my feelings. I went and had the best summer of my life. Yea those first few days were hard but most of anxiety is anticipation. I think she should go. Hatzlachah!

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 6:58 am

We're on a waiting list for a camp. And we said camp is starting so soon how could there possibly be a slot but I never thought about something backing up because they are homesick. I'm guessing that you wouldn't take a huge loss since a lot of cams do have waiting lists. I don't think I would force a child to go to camp if they really didn't want to. My daughter is also worried about being home sick but I think she will be okay since she has slept out quite a bit. Camp is supposed to be fun not a cause of anxiety

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 9:12 am

amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:

Absolutely!
You think a kid can't go to camp because of migraines? If the child wants to go, knowing she suffers from migraines, you arm her with what she needs (medication, sunglasses, sleep mask, noise canceling headset, etc.) and make sure staff is aware and understanding.
Same for anxiety. If the child knows she has anxiety but says she wants to go to camp anyhow why should she be allowed to back out last minute with no consequence?
I really think everything should be done to encourage her to go, but in the end if she won't there should be a consequence. That's how life works. To make our kids think otherwise is not preparing them for the real world. It's not teaching responsibility.

amother

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:26 am

Thank you all so much for these responses!
Many of the things suggested here, we already did/ are doing.
The plan is , we are going through all of the motions as if she is going, shopping etc., and whatever happens the day of , happens.
Yes, we spoke about the pros and cons of each outcome. She knows she will need to work to reimburse us for some of the cost and I will not be available ( I’m a teacher and wait all year for my summers!) to drive her around here and there …
As for my Avodah in this… I have to let go of my anxiety about the idea of her not going! And not be punitive in the outcome, but rather, this is real life, decisions have uncomfortable consequences and even parents need to feel their emotions.