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S/o blaming myself



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:07 pm
[I] your baby's challenges have been decreed for your baby since the beginning of time.

You were chosen to receive this precious neshama because Hashem knew you were the best suited to nurture her.

As long as you were treating her as fragile out of love and care, and not out of sinister intent, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best to care for your child. That's what matters.

You are blameless.

Someone wrote the above on the other thread.I didn't want to derail
I'm not op ... but I have a 10 Month old that has literally wrecked havoc on me , my marriage , my family my job everything
I can't believe I'm actually writing this amd if someone would tell me this I probably wouldn't believe this
Since my daughter was very little , she seems like she has severe anxiety, I can't even explain it
If I'm not holding her or right next to her she shreiks out of control. I can't do anything, she won't go to anyone besides my Husband
She has been goign to babysitter since she was little but she ended up asking me nicely not to send her back since she was just screaming and screaming

The above quote from the other bought me alot of chizzuk ...
On the other hand , I feel like I am mentally emotionally losing it so I did something not my type, I did energy work TAT energy
And the therapist saw she has this anxiety bc when I was preg I had some really bad anxiety about something and he said " she was sitting in anxious waters for 9 months "
I feel soo guilty I can't explain it
So it seems it really really is my fault?!
Thoughts?
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amother
Oleander


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:14 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
[I] your baby's challenges have been decreed for your baby since the beginning of time.

You were chosen to receive this precious neshama because Hashem knew you were the best suited to nurture her.

As long as you were treating her as fragile out of love and care, and not out of sinister intent, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best to care for your child. That's what matters.

You are blameless.

Someone wrote the above on the other thread.I didn't want to derail
I'm not op ... but I have a 10 Month old that has literally wrecked havoc on me , my marriage , my family my job everything
I can't believe I'm actually writing this amd if someone would tell me this I probably wouldn't believe this
Since my daughter was very little , she seems like she has severe anxiety, I can't even explain it
If I'm not holding her or right next to her she shreiks out of control. I can't do anything, she won't go to anyone besides my Husband
She has been goign to babysitter since she was little but she ended up asking me nicely not to send her back since she was just screaming and screaming

The above quote from the other bought me alot of chizzuk ...
On the other hand , I feel like I am mentally emotionally losing it so I did something not my type, I did energy work TAT energy
And the therapist saw she has this anxiety bc when I was preg I had some really bad anxiety about something and he said " she was sitting in anxious waters for 9 months "
I feel soo guilty I can't explain it
So it seems it really really is my fault?!
Thoughts?


The post waxes all poetic which is not my cup of tea, I'm more practical.

Therefore, I definitely don't believe in all this energy cr@p.

That said,
Your anxiety isn't your fault.

My DC is also so anxious "by nature"

But you know what?

I suffer from anxiety, so that very well may be where they got it.

I am doing work on self regulation and see tremendous progress.

Onstead of playing a Blame game, try to actually work on to make the future better.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:15 pm
amother [ Oleander ] wrote:

Onstead of playing a Blame game, try to actually work on to make the future better.
Can't like this enough!!
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amother
Gold


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:15 pm
It's very normal to blame oneself in such cases but it's so unhelpful and more than that it's simply untrue. Did you give yourself anxiety? Did you choose to have anxiety? No one is to blame here. Understanding why your child has anxiety or something else is just to help you understand what you're dealing with and how it can be repaired. Please don't beat yourself up for something you didn't choose and aren't responsible for. Instead have compassion for yourself that were/are anxious and work on healing yourself.
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amother
Navyblue


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:24 pm
I wish attachment theory and psychology in general would stop putting so much blame and responsibility on parents for their childrens outcomes. Unless there has been severe trauma or neglect, Anxiety in a child is not a moral failing on the parents part, nor on the child’s part. It is a medical, biological issue.

OP let go of the guilt, it will end up doing more harm for your child. Focus on getting them well. Likely their brain is hyper-aroused, in fight-flight mode, for reasons out of your control. There are ways to calm the nervous system down.

I don’t buy what that energy healer said. A baby isn’t born anxious because of anxious water. Anxiety is a biological entity, not energetic or spiritual. More likely you passed on your predisposition for anxiety to her genetically and epigenetically. Which sucks, but again isn’t a moral failing, and also isn’t her or your destiny. Heal your body and your brain will heal.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:36 pm
I am reminded of a Rebbe Nachman quote: If you believe you can destroy, believe that you can repair.
So you passed on some anxiety to your child.
It was not with intention.
Beating yourself up helps nobody.
Focus on what you can do now.
You are her mother. You can help her heal.
Believe it.
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amother
Honeysuckle


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:41 pm
Op I'm dealing with this exact thing myself, but dc is 3 yo. I also blame myself and my anxiety, although I do think our children would have probably been predisposed anyway
I'm trying to figure out ways to help dc if anyone has ideas
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amother
Navyblue


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:44 pm
amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:
Op I'm dealing with this exact thing myself, but dc is 3 yo. I also blame myself and my anxiety, although I do think our children would have probably been predisposed anyway
I'm trying to figure out ways to help dc if anyone has ideas


Brain inflammation is emerging in research as the biggest factor in anxiety. Treat inflammation and all causes of inflammation :

Gut health
Food and environmental allergies
Yeast
Strep
Chronic infections
Mold
Oral ties
Mouth breathing
Airway issues
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amother
Tulip


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:47 pm
I relate to everything. Except I waited until my baby was 5yrs old to go to someone who works with energy. I resisted it for years cuz I never believed in it. And yes, the person told me it developed in utero from my anxiety during that pregnancy. Truth is, a close relative was very sick while I was pregnant with that child and I was extremely stressed and anxious that entire pregnancy.
At first, I felt terrible that I gave this to my child who struggled so much and for so long because of my anxiety. But I have come to realize that it really wasn't my fault. It's normal to have tremendous about of stress and anxiety when dealing with a family member with serious illness and this is the situation that Hashem chose to put me AND THIS PARTICULAR BABY into at that time. There was nothing I could have or should have done differently than I did. And now I have the opportunity to work on helping my child through this challenge given to the child by Hashem, not by me.
Did this energy person that you went to have any ideas for you? Can they work with your child to help ease that anxiety?
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amother
Gold


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 12:55 pm
amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:
I wish attachment theory and psychology in general would stop putting so much blame and responsibility on parents for their childrens outcomes. Unless there has been severe trauma or neglect, Anxiety in a child is not a moral failing on the parents part, nor on the child’s.


Where have you seen blame and responsibility in attachment theory? All I see is explanations and studies showing the reasons for anxieties and other emotional issues in babies and children. And it's not only when there has been severe trauma or neglect, it's about the consistency and frequency of the trauma/neglect.

I have studied and read a lot on this subject. I have never seen it being called a moral failing.
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GLUE




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 1:00 pm
I once read a quote, don't know who said this:

Many years ago we would blame witches for our children's problems, now we blame mothers
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 1:00 pm
This thread is both freaking me out and giving me chizuk. I have anxiety and lately DS (4mo) has been extremely fussy almost anytime we put him down during the day. Of course it could also be from starting teething. I’m afraid I predisposed him to anxiety—I had tons of anxiety during pregnancy especially.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 1:31 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
This thread is both freaking me out and giving me chizuk. I have anxiety and lately DS (4mo) has been extremely fussy almost anytime we put him down during the day. Of course it could also be from starting teething. I’m afraid I predisposed him to anxiety—I had tons of anxiety during pregnancy especially.


And how is that fear serving either one of you?
Of course our children pick up on our anxiety. So help him by dealing with your anxiety. Calmer mother = calmer baby.
Don't dwell on the past. Focus on what you can do for yourself and your child now.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 2:38 pm
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
And how is that fear serving either one of you?
Of course our children pick up on our anxiety. So help him by dealing with your anxiety. Calmer mother = calmer baby.
Don't dwell on the past. Focus on what you can do for yourself and your child now.


Been working on anxiety for years, in therapy and with meds, breathing exercises, etc. I still have anxiety and there were times during pregnancy that it got really intense.
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 2:50 pm
Sometimes the baby is actually in pain for a real reason and the mother being present lessens the pain. It's been shown that a mother being there lessens the sensation of pain for a baby. Is there possibly something that might be causing the baby pain? How are your daughter's feeds going? Is her digestion ok?
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 2:52 pm
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
And how is that fear serving either one of you?
Of course our children pick up on our anxiety. So help him by dealing with your anxiety. Calmer mother = calmer baby.
Don't dwell on the past. Focus on what you can do for yourself and your child now.


Yes, I love this. My husband has been dealing with severe depression since we got married and I got pregnant right away, so you can imagine what that pregnancy was like - spoiler alert, my child is definitely an HSP among other things. My second was born in a calmer time, but still somewhat stressful, and I 100% see the difference between them (and how #2 still carries some stress in her).

It's not up to us what agmas nefesh we will go through and what we pass down to our children. Just like I didn't choose my traumatic childhood, I didn't choose to pass anxiety down to my children. But I *can* choose to take them to craniosacral therapy, keep them close as babies as much as I can, teach them self regulation (and learn it myself, first, in order to do so!) and work on having a calm happy home to bring out the best in them.

My therapist once told me a great line - guilt only applies when there's intent to harm. Ie if you didn't intend to harm your children, you have nothing to feel guilty about!! It's something I struggle with too but I try focus on how I can be my children's safe place and haven from the ills of the world, and not focus on what I can't control and what already happened.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 2:55 pm
amother [ NeonBlue ] wrote:
Yes, I love this. My husband has been dealing with severe depression since we got married and I got pregnant right away, so you can imagine what that pregnancy was like - spoiler alert, my child is definitely an HSP among other things. My second was born in a calmer time, but still somewhat stressful, and I 100% see the difference between them (and how #2 still carries some stress in her).

It's not up to us what agmas nefesh we will go through and what we pass down to our children. Just like I didn't choose my traumatic childhood, I didn't choose to pass anxiety down to my children. But I *can* choose to take them to craniosacral therapy, keep them close as babies as much as I can, teach them self regulation (and learn it myself, first, in order to do so!) and work on having a calm happy home to bring out the best in them.

My therapist once told me a great line - guilt only applies when there's intent to harm. Ie if you didn't intend to harm your children, you have nothing to feel guilty about!! It's something I struggle with too but I try focus on how I can be my children's safe place and haven from the ills of the world, and not focus on what I can't control and what already happened.


I love this. Well said!
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 23 2022, 3:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
[I] your baby's challenges have been decreed for your baby since the beginning of time.

You were chosen to receive this precious neshama because Hashem knew you were the best suited to nurture her.

As long as you were treating her as fragile out of love and care, and not out of sinister intent, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best to care for your child. That's what matters.

You are blameless.

Someone wrote the above on the other thread.I didn't want to derail
I'm not op ... but I have a 10 Month old that has literally wrecked havoc on me , my marriage , my family my job everything
I can't believe I'm actually writing this amd if someone would tell me this I probably wouldn't believe this
Since my daughter was very little , she seems like she has severe anxiety, I can't even explain it
If I'm not holding her or right next to her she shreiks out of control. I can't do anything, she won't go to anyone besides my Husband
She has been goign to babysitter since she was little but she ended up asking me nicely not to send her back since she was just screaming and screaming

The above quote from the other bought me alot of chizzuk ...
On the other hand , I feel like I am mentally emotionally losing it so I did something not my type, I did energy work TAT energy
And the therapist saw she has this anxiety bc when I was preg I had some really bad anxiety about something and he said " she was sitting in anxious waters for 9 months "
I feel soo guilty I can't explain it
So it seems it really really is my fault?!
Thoughts?


The fact that anxious people have anxious kids is I think kind of obvious.
With or without energy work, the connection has been noticed and discussed.
Don’t feel guilty.
Just as you can work on your anxiety now, you can help her too. Work on your breathing while holding her and she will notice the difference. Do it often and you will both learn to calm down.
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