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Forum -> Parenting our children
"You probably wish you didn't have children"



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:25 pm
If a child says this to a parent, does it mean that the parent is doing something terribly wrong?
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amother
Eggplant


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:27 pm
Depending on the age of the child, he/she is probably being manipulative.
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amother
Dandelion


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:27 pm
I wouldn’t say manipulative. I would say this child needs a lot of love and attention and reassurance
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:28 pm
Ummm we're gonna need a lot more context. Age of child, surrounding conversation, other relevant details.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:36 pm
Sometimes it’s the child who is having issues

I’d say maybe it’s the parents fault if that statement is true and they’re making their children feel as such
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amother
Natural


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:38 pm
feeling unloved and /or insecure.
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amother
Broom


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:42 pm
If my child is saying that to me, I must be in mayor trouble.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 3:59 pm
As usual the answer is it depends.

My friends kids were fighting. They weren't dangerous and she decided that she won't get involved and let them fight this out alone. She was watching from the sidelines. Her little 4 year old said "Ma, if you didn't want to take care of us, you shouldn't have had kids." She was one of those kids that always had a sharp comment and knew how to get her way. Nice mother, great family, cute kids.... it's fine. It's years later and all is good bh.

So depends on context. But for sure reassure the kid how lucky you feel that you have her/ him as a child! My mom always used to say, I'm a millionaire because you are my kids...
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socialbutterfly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 4:00 pm
Perhaps this is an expression of shame. The child may feel that you are disappointed in them which leads to them coming to the conclusion that you regret having children.
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mitzva




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 4:05 pm
amother [ Dandelion ] wrote:
I wouldn’t say manipulative. I would say this child needs a lot of love and attention and reassurance

very true. but every human being is hardwired with middos.
some become manipulative when they are in emotional pain.
some become cruel when they are in emotional pain.
a spade is a spade
and a fork is a fork
not the other way around.
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amother
Steelblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 6:08 pm
My son used to say that he never wants to have kids because it's really hard. I wasn't coping and I guess it was pretty clear to him. He must have been around 9. He stopped saying it, which I'm taking as a compliment to my state of mental health!
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amother
Clear


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 6:12 pm
I would work hard to make sure I did whatever was in my power to make sure my kid didn’t feel that way going forward while at the same time keeping in mind that sometimes kids are just hardwired (or soft wired) to pick up very subtle or subliminal things or even things that aren’t there, or to see things as black and white when they aren’t, and that after I’ve done my best, perhaps there’s a piece that’s out of my control. Speaking from experience as a parent of a child that has said similar.
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professor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2022, 6:51 pm
It depends. Kids can say the darndest things... Sometimes I with I could go into my kids' brain and see what's going on there LOL

My son is a deep thinker and very phylosiphical and many times asked me if it's very hard to be a mother and just yesterday he asked "why is it so good to have children?" Which is a variation of this thread's title.

I absolutely love and adore my child and I think he knows it. He IS very sensitive, though, and takes it very personally when I am short tempered. So it could be that he just needs reassurance that he is loved.
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mushkamothers




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 19 2022, 10:58 pm
Child could feel like a burden to the parent like maybe the parent kvetches a lot or doesn't seem to be managing.
Child could feel unloved.
But really depends on the context
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amother
Cadetblue


 

Post Tue, Sep 20 2022, 12:44 pm
No, I see it as the child is being compassionate , realizing you are having a difficult time.
I would reply with having children is my greatest joy and I don’t regret it for a second. Like you have noticed though, it is not something that is easy. It comes with lots of hardships, but the hardships are worth it.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Tue, Sep 20 2022, 1:04 pm
I see this as indicative of a huge problem.
Most kids know, that even if times are hard, they are wanted and loved.
If a child says this to a parent it means that either the child feels unworthy of love or that the parent has expressed, perhaps even non-verbally, that they are not coping.
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amother
Sunflower


 

Post Tue, Sep 20 2022, 2:12 pm
amother Mauve wrote:
I see this as indicative of a huge problem.
Most kids know, that even if times are hard, they are wanted and loved.
If a child says this to a parent it means that either the child feels unworthy of love or that the parent has expressed, perhaps even non-verbally, that they are not coping.

Maybe our community should allow those that don’t want to marry and have children to stay single without stigma. The reality is that there are parents who wish they didn’t have children and it is likely crystal clear to their kids, even while they love them and do their best.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Tue, Sep 20 2022, 3:00 pm
amother Sunflower wrote:
Maybe our community should allow those that don’t want to marry and have children to stay single without stigma. The reality is that there are parents who wish they didn’t have children and it is likely crystal clear to their kids, even while they love them and do their best.


You can marry and not have kids.
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amother
Sunflower


 

Post Tue, Sep 20 2022, 3:23 pm
amother Arcticblue wrote:
You can marry and not have kids.

Very difficult to do when Rabbonim tell men they have a Chiyuv to have kids etc. I am sure if there was a thread on here from an Ima who said that her and her DH don’t want kids and she plans to be on BC forever, she would be lynched.
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