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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
Mil gifts makes me feel bad
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:38 pm
Feel free to gift me, I love getting gifts. Pretty much anything. Makes me feel thought of and cared for. You can forward yours too Wink
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:39 pm
My mother in law gifted me a duster when she visited the first time.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:40 pm
OP, I get you. I get gifts like these and comments to go with them. Oh and I get these things as gifts for chanukah and my birthday.

A set of cereal containers, like Tupperware, and a comment about how she noticed my cereal area is messy. It’s not, it’s all nicely put away and no spills, but she keeps hers in tupperware so mine is messy by default.

A raw frozen roast for chanukah, all wrapped in a gift bag and presented when everyone else got their real gifts and the card says it’s to cook them when they come back for shabbos chanukah dinner.

New hand towels for chanukah and a card saying they are for me to put in the guest bathroom for my child’s upcoming simcha.

An ice scraper for my chanukah gift, so when my husband (her son) scrapes the ice, his hands will be warm. This was my gift.

16 years of either gifts like this or nothing at all.

I get you OP. When given like this, it’s not a gift or a well meant fail… it’s a not so hidden insult.

Oh. One year, I got a (ugly) bracelet. Nice! Right? First time I got a gift like that from her. But my step daughter was there and she exclaimed “oh, is that from Bubbie? She sent the same thing to mommy for chanukah. She sends her that kind of thing every year, it’s soooo Bubbie”. The one time she sent a gift for ME, it was a mistake or dupe or something.


Last edited by watergirl on Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:43 pm
If it’s always organizing stuff I would also read it as passive aggressive
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My mil is constantly sending over helpful little gifts, like storage containers, hooks for jackets, broom racks, etc. I know she is trying to be helpful, but it makes me feel bad like she thinks my house is so disorganized (which it honestly probably is). If she asks me I sometimes say no thanks, but when she offers DH he always takes it, and I feel so inadequate. Should I say something about it to DH? Or just suck it up because it honestly is helpful and she’s only doing it to be nice?


Unless these gifts are coming along with nasty comments - I.e. "I got you this broom because you're floor is always so dirty and I figured you must not have a broom." - then I think you should give your MIL benefit of doubt, know she is giving from a loving, helpful place, and graciously accept these gifts with no bad feelings.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 1:59 pm
It’s not normal. And all of you who think it’s an ok gift, you should rethink it before you gift such things next time. Fun kitchen gadgets that are cool or unique household stuff is ok. But hooks and containers will usually be considered annoying or offensive. Aren’t you all glad you now know this information so that you don’t have to accidentally insult someone in the future?
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 2:11 pm
I also agree hooks and containers are not appropriate mil gifts. Sorry!
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 2:12 pm
DLKZ applies to MILs and DILs too.

If it is really so upsetting then tell your dh to let mom know not to waste her hard earned money on you and that you really don't need or want anything. Or give it away and count it as chesed tzedaka.


While these may not be appropriate birthday or anniversary gifts sounds like MIL frequently gifts you and probably everyone else like its her love language.
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amother
Jean


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 2:20 pm
She doesn't think you're messy and disorganized; she simply enjoys organization supplies and thinks that they're something that you will enjoy as well. If your mil were always buying you snack foods, would you think that she thinks you're too thin?

My mother-in-law used to buy me random kitchenware like utensil sets and pot holders which was something she was fairly into. Sometimes they were duplicates of things she also bought for herself and her dd, sometimes not. Some people are like that; they're always thinking of other people, and when they see something that grabs their attention they think "so and so would probably like this, I think I'll get it for them." It was rather fun for me to receive these gifts even though in some cases I never used them at all, or else used them briefly when mil was around just to prove that I appreciated the gifts before giving them away. Other things I really did enjoy and still have and use to this day.

Rather than look at gifts and assume that they are intended as a criticism, why not just appreciate that the person was thinking of you and bought you something, period?
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 2:22 pm
amother [ Jean ] wrote:
She doesn't think you're messy and disorganized; she simply enjoys organization supplies and thinks that they're something that you will enjoy as well. If your mil were always buying you snack foods, would you think that she thinks you're too thin?

My mother-in-law used to buy me random kitchenware like utensil sets and pot holders which was something she was fairly into. Sometimes they were duplicates of things she also bought for herself and her dd, sometimes not. Some people are like that; they're always thinking of other people, and when they see something that grabs their attention they think "so and so would probably like this, I think I'll get it for them." It was rather fun for me to receive these gifts even though in some cases I never used them at all, or else used them briefly when mil was around just to prove that I appreciated the gifts before giving them away. Other things I really did enjoy and still have and use to this day.

Rather than look at gifts and assume that they are intended as a criticism, why not just appreciate that the person was thinking of you and bought you something, period?


yes exactly this; context counts
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amother
Sand


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 2:46 pm
Oy, I'm so sorry OP. My mother does this to me all the time and she's not even subtle about it. She hands me a shopping bag with new hand towels and announces they're for my guest bathroom because she doesn't like the ones I have. She comes for Shabbos and complains my tablecloth is stained and then a new one shows up the next week. She sent me a new dish rack when mine was beginning to look shabby. I know she thinks she's being helpful but it's tremendously annoying. I'm perfectly capable of buying all of that but I didn't see the need yet because my stuff was still serviceable. I don't need a fancy tablecloth when my kids will spill on it anyway.

Context definitely matters because my mother has been critical of me my whole life. It's like she's incapable of complimenting me. If my mother in law sent me something useful I would think she was being helpful rather than critical because we have a very good relationship.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:17 pm
We can never win.
No matter what we do or don’t do.

We can NEVER get it right.

No words for you OP
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:19 pm
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
We can never win.
No matter what we do or don’t do.

We can NEVER get it right.

No words for you OP


HUGS!!!
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:32 pm
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
We can never win.
No matter what we do or don’t do.

We can NEVER get it right.

No words for you OP


Don’t project your issues on her. There is a way to be normal. Why do in laws always have to do extremes? Just give some normal gifts once in a while there is a middle ground it’s really not that hard.
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:39 pm
Who is projecting now?

If you feel bad op then seriously have Dh let mil know nicely or you can tell her yourself warmly
No need to feel bad
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:41 pm
amother [ Trillium ] wrote:
Who is projecting now?

If you feel bad op then seriously have Dh let mil know nicely


There are certain actions that are considered universally offensive. Pretending they aren’t is ridiculous.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 3:46 pm
What is offensive ?
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Fri, Jul 01 2022, 5:19 pm
Op no one is a mind reader- please let her know as if she’s a normal person she will stop as her intention isn’t to upset you.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 02 2022, 11:51 am
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
We can never win.
No matter what we do or don’t do.

We can NEVER get it right.

No words for you OP

No one thing is ever going to work for every person. But that's true of every relationship.

My sister wouldn't like it if someone started organizing her stuff, I would love it. Does that mean there's no way to be a good sister? No, it just means you have to ask people whether they want their stuff organized before doing it.
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4g01o




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 02 2022, 4:11 pm
Why can't you just say to mil in a jokey way 'you must think that my house is a huge disorganised mess if you keep buying me organisational items, but thanks so much they're actually really helpful'

Maybe she'll have the chance to explain why she's buying you these things. And hopefully she'll get the hint that she seems to be implying something (in your mind)
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