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So scared of messing up my kids



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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 2:59 pm
So scared of traumatizing them, or maybe not dealing with their trauma correctly. Scared of giving one wrong answer or response that results in a lifelong issue or insecurity. Scared I'm parenting the wrong way. What if Im not understanding enough or I shelter them too much or I don't give them enough attention. What if they are exposed to something and their innocence just disintegrates? What about the days when I have no patience for anything, much less a child crying over his lost toothbrush?
I have this niggling anxiety that I'm in over my head and my kids will just outgrow me one day. Oy Hashem help me
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amother
Garnet


 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 3:01 pm
Why do you feel that way? What are your insecurities coming from?
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amother
Clear


 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 3:08 pm
I’m taking Rabbi Shais Taub’s parenting class now. Sign up for the next one. It’s gold. And gives you foundational concepts so you always know what to do!
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 3:13 pm
Your child's future isn't determined by you saying the wrong thing one time. Children are much too resilient for that. It's more about the big picture, especially whether your relationship is strong. If you ask any 'parenting guru' including the ones I follow, they will admit that they messed up lots of times with their kids.

And besides, I really do think I have some issues that I might not have if I had been raised differently. That's common. I'm still happy and functioning. It's hard to ruin a child without a level of dysfunction that I feel pretty confident does not apply to you.
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amother
Freesia


 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 3:14 pm
hodeez wrote:
So scared of traumatizing them, or maybe not dealing with their trauma correctly. Scared of giving one wrong answer or response that results in a lifelong issue or insecurity. Scared I'm parenting the wrong way. What if Im not understanding enough or I shelter them too much or I don't give them enough attention. What if they are exposed to something and their innocence just disintegrates? What about the days when I have no patience for anything, much less a child crying over his lost toothbrush?
I have this niggling anxiety that I'm in over my head and my kids will just outgrow me one day. Oy Hashem help me


I sometimes feel the same way as you. So I started thinking that I need one goal in mind. Me and my siblings often try to figure out what my parents did that was so right. They were imperfect. My mother sometimes lost her patience and yelled. She was not a particularly warm person. She didn't understand all our needs and on a small level, didn't get me the appropriate socially acceptable wardrobe or teach me done hygiene skills. My father was very warm. But there was little verbal and physical love. (lots of acts of service though. Some quality time. Very minimal gifts. But non of us ever doubted our parents love. ) Others would be surprised to find out that all of us, with our different personalities, always gravitated home. And after marriage live going home. Before hand, out friends loved hanging out at our house. The conclusion was that, somehow, my parents created a home that felt like the safest place in world. Even though we are not "close" in the traditional sense, I knew that there was nothing I could tell or confide in my parents that would have them flip out on me. The problem is, is that I don't know exactly how they accomplished that. So my goal is trying to create a very safe and comfortable home, but I'm not sure what the exact steps are.

(One thing my parents did right, but I'm not sure is related, is that, while they were middle of the road strict and had plenty of rules, as we got older, year by year, they loosened the reigns, so by the time we were adults we knew they trusted or judgement and never "told" is what to do anymore.)
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 3:16 pm
BrisketBoss wrote:
Your child's future isn't determined by you saying the wrong thing one time. Children are much too resilient for that. It's more about the big picture, especially whether your relationship is strong. If you ask any 'parenting guru' including the ones I follow, they will admit that they messed up lots of times with their kids.

And besides, I really do think I have some issues that I might not have if I had been raised differently. That's common. I'm still happy and functioning. It's hard to ruin a child without a level of dysfunction that I feel pretty confident does not apply to you.

Yah me too! That's what I so desperately want to avoid! It sucks and I don't want my kids to have to go through it too. They have it much worse in these crazy times we live in I feel like they don't even stand a chance.
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amother
Amaranthus


 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 3:19 pm
All parents worry that they're not doing a good job, but your worry seems over the top and may have more to do with your general anxiety than with your lack of parenting experience. Kids are more resilient than adults give them credit for. One bad day, one impatient answer, even one sight of something they'd have been better off not seeing is not going to ruin them for life.

If you suffer from anxiety, get help for that first. Growing up with a chronically anxious mother will do more harm than growing up with a mother who just isn't Mary Poppins.
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DreamerForever




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 4:38 pm
We can never escape our fate, which includes the parents we are entrusted to- and whatever frightening or difficult things we face as kids! It's part of the journey to become the person we're supposed to become.

That said; I'm reading a self help book (The emotionally absent mother) which mentions that as long as a parent is doing a good parenting job 30% of the time, their children will be fine- because children are extremely resilient.
So if a lot of the time you're overwhelmed or distracted, or unsure how to respond; you're still doing fine- as long as a third of the time you're doing the right thing.

You sound like a wonderful, balanced person and mother- from your posts. I have a feeling this is an overwhelm-vacation-panic post, rather than your usual disposition.

Possible?
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crbc




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 08 2022, 5:47 pm
Hodeez do you read Russian? If no - sorry, if yes - read the text below Smile

Отличная профилактика родительского перфекционизма:
«Когда-нибудь у меня родится сын, и я сделаю все наоборот. Буду ему с трех лет твердить: «Милый! Ты не обязан становиться инженером. Ты не должен быть юристом. Это неважно, кем ты станешь, когда вырастешь. Хочешь быть патологоанатомом? На здоровье! Футбольным комментатором? Пожалуйста! Клоуном в торговом центре? Отличный выбор!»

И в свое тридцатилетие он придет ко мне, этот потный лысеющий клоун с подтеками грима на лице, и скажет: «Мама! Мне тридцать лет! Я клоун в торговом центре! Ты такую жизнь для меня хотела? Чем ты думала, мама, когда говорила мне, что высшее образование не обязательно? Чего ты хотела, мама, когда разрешала мне вместо математики играть с пацанами?»

А я скажу: «Милый, но я следовала за тобой во всем, я не хотела давить на тебя! Ты не любил математику, ты любил играть с младшими ребятами». А он скажет: «Я не знал, к чему это приведет, я был ребенком, я не мог ничего решать, а ты, ты, ты сломала мне жизнь» — и разотрет грязным рукавом помаду по лицу. И тогда я встану, посмотрю на него внимательно и скажу: «Значит так. В мире есть два типа людей: одни живут, а вторые ищут виноватых. И, если ты этого не понимаешь, значит, ты идиот».

Он скажет «ах» и упадет в обморок. На психотерапию потребуется примерно пять лет.

Или не так. Когда-нибудь у меня родится сын, и я сделаю все наоборот. Буду ему с трех лет твердить: «Не будь идиотом, Владик, думай о будущем. Учи математику, Владик, если не хочешь всю жизнь быть оператором колл-центра».

И в свое тридцатилетие он придет ко мне, этот потный лысеющий программист с глубокими морщинами на лице, и скажет: «Мама! Мне тридцать лет. Я работаю в «Гугл». Я впахиваю двадцать часов в сутки, мама. У меня нет семьи. Чем ты думала, мама, когда говорила, что хорошая работа сделает меня счастливым? Чего ты добивалась, мама, когда заставляла меня учить математику?»

А я скажу: «Дорогой, но я хотела, чтобы ты получил хорошее образование! Я хотела, чтобы у тебя были все возможности, дорогой». А он скажет: «А на хрена мне эти возможности, если я несчастен, мама? Я иду мимо клоунов в торговом центре и завидую им, мама. Они счастливы. Я мог бы быть на их месте, но ты, ты, ты сломала мне жизнь» — и потрет пальцами переносицу под очками. И тогда я встану, посмотрю на него внимательно и скажу: «Значит так. В мире есть два типа людей: одни живут, а вторые все время жалуются. И, если ты этого не понимаешь, значит, ты идиот».

Он скажет «ох» и упадет в обморок. На психотерапию потребуется примерно пять лет.

Или по-другому. Когда-нибудь у меня родится сын, и я сделаю все наоборот. Буду ему с трех лет твердить: «Я тут не для того, чтобы что-то твердить. Я тут для того, чтобы тебя любить. Иди к папе, дорогой, спроси у него, я не хочу быть снова крайней».

И в свое тридцатилетие он придет ко мне, этот потный лысеющий режиссер со среднерусской тоской в глазах, и скажет: «Мама! Мне тридцать лет. Я уже тридцать лет пытаюсь добиться твоего внимания, мама. Я посвятил тебе десять фильмов и пять спектаклей. Я написал о тебе книгу, мама. Мне кажется, тебе все равно. Почему ты никогда не высказывала своего мнения? Зачем ты все время отсылала меня к папе?»

А я скажу: «Дорогой, но я не хотела ничего решать за тебя! Я просто любила тебя, дорогой, а для советов у нас есть папа». А он скажет: «А на хрена мне папины советы, если я спрашивал тебя, мама? Я всю жизнь добиваюсь твоего внимания, мама. Я помешан на тебе, мама. Я готов отдать все, лишь бы хоть раз, хоть раз понять, что ты думаешь обо мне. Своим молчанием, своей отстраненностью ты, ты, ты сломала мне жизнь» — и театрально закинет руку ко лбу. И тогда я встану, посмотрю на него внимательно и скажу: «Значит так. В мире есть два типа людей: одни живут, а вторые все время чего-то ждут. И, если ты этого не понимаешь, значит, ты идиот».

Он скажет «ах» и упадет в обморок. На психотерапию потребуется примерно пять лет.

Этот текст — хорошая профилактика нашего материнского перфекционизма — стремления быть идеальной мамой. Расслабьтесь! Как бы мы ни старались быть хорошими мамами, нашим детям все равно будет что рассказать своему психотерапевту».

Автор: Светлана Хмель
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DreamerForever




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 7:39 am
crbc wrote:
Hodeez do you read Russian? If no - sorry, if yes - read the text below Smile


This is hilarious Very Happy

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't!!
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amother
Candycane


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 7:52 am
amother [ Garnet ] wrote:
Why do you feel that way? What are your insecurities coming from?


Perhaps imamother and all the estranged parents threads?
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Coffee beanz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 7:56 am
I think the fact that you are thinking about this already means you are a caring sensitive parent. Are you scared of setting limits? Of not giving enough attention? We all say the wrong thing sometimes and I know if I yell at my children I will go back and apologize. This does not mean I do not set limits. Children need limits to feel safe.
I also think letting your children truly be themselves and express their emotions without trying to rationalize them away will help form a strong bond. It gives them safety and lets them know you are there to help them through tough times.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 8:01 am
Parents aren't perfect and do make mistakes. There isn't a single child who will say everything was 100 percent perfect while they were growing up & they had 100 percent perfect parents, as much as parents try, children will always find something that wasn't good. That being said, it's not every single thing that counts but overall the atmosphere. If overall you have a warm healthy happy home, then even if you need to discipline and it's something your children don't like, it's better received than when the entire atmosphere is hostile, then the one thing is just a pile up of everything else.
I see it by myself, certain things that were part of my reality growing up, I don't resent, as I know people from other families who had same thing happening growing up, are so resentful of it today, because their entire childhood home was toxic.
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