How to explain what’s wrong?

amother

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 1:26 am

Thank you everyone!
It is hard to explain what exactly irked me.
The meal was basically over, everyone was benching and I was getting ready to pay. In this context there was nothing to sit down for. We left 5 minutes later. That’s why I thought it was over the top to fight with me for the seat.

Yes she is 12 that’s why my question was how to explain to her what was wrong. So she doesn’t stay this way. Her answers show that she can just disregard other people‘s opinion or requests.

The bigger picture someone asked about: she had just had a conflict with her siblings before the restaurant where she ran to me for help. It turned out both sides were wrong (she acted in a selfish way and the sibling reacted aggressively). But the pattern of running to mommy is there. And having a special standing as an only girl.

So on the relationship level, you don’t just disegard someone who you run to for protection. That’s what I would expect her to understand.

amother

DarkKhaki

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 1:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

All kids run to their parents for protection.

All kids need to give their parents extra respect and leeway due to that + everything else parents do+ kibud av vain

Buy kids slip up as children and as adults because they are human/twelve.
They aren't as gracious and easygoing and overlooking as is ideal on every moment.

There is nothing to point out to your child here.
If you are modeling graciousness and forgiveness she will pick it up over time. She will also have more self control to execute it.

Let it go. It's seriously nothing in the scheme of things. Is bodes nothing about how she will behave as an adult and little about who she is now.
You and your dd and family should enjoy the vacation
Moralizing will put a damper in things.

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 5:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She doesn't owe you anything because you mediate for her.
Besides, when parents behave physically unwell, even healthy normal children will begin to act self entitled.
Your getting dizzy at the end killed the good vibes for your family.
Not that it could be prevented but that's just how it is.

amother

Lime

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 5:55 am

She is 12 - is she your oldest? oldest daughter?
please let it go
you sound like you didn't feel well and overreacted and are continuing to do so
no need to attach some whole story to it about her being entitled and how to fix it so she turns out ok.
she sounds fine and age appropriate
if you need help with a more realistic and kinder frame of reference please get a parenting mentor

amother

Wallflower

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 7:44 am

OP you sound hyper-vigilant about being afraid that your daughter will be socially off and a weirdo. Did you grow up with abuse?
You need to get help to heal yourself. You're coming across as controlling and unreasonable and your daughter is not getting the best of you.
I know you want better for her since you didn't have that, but your triggers are ingrained in you and your daughter is ending up with your issues anyway. You can change the dynamic and heal yourself and that will heal your daughter.

singleagain

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 7:55 am

amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:

That's a pretty big leap. Especially since OP in amother and you know nothing about her other than what she posted in this thread.

I showed my mom this thread, she said unless this a pattern of your daughter being extremely concrete, like I was as a child, it's not a big deal. And if DD is concrete like I was , there are ways to try to help break her out of it... But better to do it in the moment not after. And also not if she would melt down in public, but if she's not melting down in public, it's probably not such an issue.

taketwo

Wed, Aug 10 2022, 8:36 am

Op, I heard a gadol, I don't remember which one, said don't parent for years down the line. When you parent, parent in the moment. She was acting her age, but you want to parent her so she doesn't act this way as an adult. She is not an adult, so it's not for now.

Also, it's not unconditional love to expect her to act well towards you because you helped her. Keeping score of what you do for her and how she acts afterwards sounds a lot like conditional love. We give to our kids because we love them, not because we expect them to give us back something. We can only control our behavior, what the child decides to do afterwards is not in our hands. Let it go.