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At wits end with daughter
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amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Wed, Aug 17 2022, 8:40 pm
amother Hibiscus wrote:
Op,

I totally feel you. My 9yr old DS was behaviorally pretty similar to your DD's. I was at my wits end. At the point of giving up. I reached rock bottom. Was at the process of getting an evaluation.
I was in therapy for myself for trauma/ self- esteem issues. I started believing in myself and taking care of myself. I saw the power in it. I so badly wanted my DS to feel good about himself. I realized that many times erratic behaviors are a result of the same issues I was dealing with. And I decided to give him the gift of a mother believing in him, loving him unconditionally, seeing his strengths and focusing on it, and send him positive vibes whenever I could. I found a space within me to do this. I empathized with him whenever I could. I looked at his baby photos and remembered how pure his neshama is. I begged Hashem to make my DS see his worth and capabilities to behave appropriately, and for me to believe he could and will be the best him. I visualized him in the future being the sweetest bachur. I realized his strength with art and helped him develop his talent. Naturally, my reactions around him changed. I started seeing him as a suffered human desperate for belief and connection.
I know it sounds too good to be true. But my DS is a different child. I love schmoozing with him. He is fun, loving, smart, witty, and full of humor. We laugh tons. We share private jokes.
When we reach a point where he gets stuck at times, rarely, we are able to get through it easily.
He has become one of my easiest children.
I am very seriously looking to put together a curriculum on this kind of parenting, because I really saw it work.
I'm not disregarding getting your child checked out medically, therapy, evaluations, or any form of outside help. But I am amazed at the power of us, moms. We innately know and feel what our children need, and once we tune into that we give them and us the biggest gift of a lifetime.


I think this is bad advice. You can work on yourself to be more loving and help foster their talents and interests, BUT you also should get a struggling child an evaluation so they can get the help they need.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2022, 1:13 am
try the motrin and benedryl and even a round of antibiotics if you find a dr willing. if you see a substantial improvement in behavior you will know you are dealing with something that all the therapy in the world wont solve. it means she has brain inflammation/some sort of infection affecting her behavior. and yes kids with pandas/pans can control their behavior when they need to in public. of all the things to try, this would be the easiest - If she is better then comes the harder part, figuring out the cause bec you don't want her on antibiotics forever, then you find a dr that deals with pandas. but in the whole scheme of things its something relatively easy and effortless to try. I wish I had treated for pandas for my child years ago. our dr knew it was missed strep causing the issue but didn't know what to do for it and I didnt know enough to search for more -it was many years ago. we treated eventually but I wish we had known more and done more earlier, could have saved us a lot of agmas nefesh and helped my child have an easier childhood.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2022, 2:55 am
I’m sorry what you’re going through from one pandas/pan parent here, I feel for you so much. I was you a few years ago, describing your daughter to a T…. But I had some other little differences. My child was so so difficult to get to listen or go to sleep, bed time became a battle, he had very restless night sleeps, he had night terrors, which doctors made it sound like it’s a normal stage. He refused certain foods, to get him to shower or cut nails was so so difficult. He had a period of time where he didn’t want to ate scared he was going to throw up, he’s picky eater who won’t try any new foods. His anger got worse into rages where if something didn’t go his way he would through things and knock things down. I remember being scared how he would react when he got off the bus from school if I made a supper that he didn’t want…..we were always walking on eggshells….. this was before the thought of pandas being visited….. I didn’t think it could get worse but assumed this was bec he was the youngest for a while and maybe my parenting…. Kept blaming my parenting … till it started getting worse and then he had anxiety about going to school. He woke up angry, went to bed angry, everything had to go his way or forget it…… I’m just begging you to listen what other moms posted abt trying a few days of Motrin with antihistamine or finding a doctor pandas literate who would try a bout of antibiotics…. See if you see any change. I wish someone had told me earlier before things escalated so much. I forgot about the screaming my child would scream and yell now curses - words I would never even say or even allow … stupid is a good word with him at this point. It’s so so sad. I feel sometimes how I tried to build my home and make it a pure toradika home, loving with middos and all—— yet this child is the opposite of anything of that sort . But I do get to see glimpses of his old self; and I see the caring warm loving boy he once was; and I daven for the right shaliach to bring my son back to how he used to be . People manage to make me feel like it’s my parenting or my fault, but then I look at my other children and I know this can’t be , something isn’t right. Be careful which therapist you go to and if you feel like it’s not helping don’t stick with that therapist too long. I wasted so much money on therapy when my son couldn’t be helped bec of the brain inflammation. All the rewards or Behaviroal therapy approaches can work with regular child keen but when ur kids sick that needs to be addressed first in order to make changes. Hatzlacha , stay strong
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Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 18 2022, 6:12 am
Let me tell you about me at 9 years old:

- I wanted my baby blanket with me everywhere. I even had a small piece that I could literally take everywhere with me.

- My hair was always knotty and I screamed if anybody helped me try to brush it.

- I dressed in clothing far too young to match my peer group. I had no idea how to match clothes or anything. I wouldn't wear accessories except for the same ratty headband every single day.

- I had one friend who was extremely dysfunctional herself and ultimately freaked the heck out of me before making aliyah and then I was alone.

- I had no trusted adults to confide my many, many, manyyyyy fears in. I was always sad. Always scared. I didn't know how to be with other kids and I drove adults crazy.

- Extremely rigid interests.

- Emotional outbursts across all settings. Home. School. Camp. Mostly tears and sadness but lots of anger too.

- Age nine was also the onset of my childhood psychosis, which nobody believed or paid attention to, if I managed to tell anybody at all. I remember telling my parents I couldn't concentrate on a test because of the voices, and I was asked in a threatening way (or at least it felt threatening to me), "WHAT voices?" So I pretended I made it up. Fast forward to adulthood when Ive finally had all the proper workups and I have a form of sensory integration disorder that lends itself to such experiences. Not necessarily a true "psychosis," but also far from what you want a child (or adult) navigating alone.

- I lost my belongings all the time. Couldn't keep track of things. My backpack and desk were complete messes. Even if I did my homework I often lost it before I could turn it in, or else I'd just forget to turn it in.

- I used to walk alone at recess collecting rocks. Or I'd sit with the teacher and talk and talk and talk and not get the hint to go play. But I couldn't. I didn't know how to play with other kids, and they picked on me. I was bullied a lot.

I was a mess of a kid. You get the idea.

-----

The urging to get me evaluated started at around age 4, which was when I started school. But I wasn't actually evaluated until age 8, and then again at 12. My parents hoped I would grow out of it. I had a star chart in Pre-K where I could get a star for every day I didn't cry. I don't remember ever winning on that chart. I cried every day in school all the way up until age 14 when I was expelled for my issues. Then I cried at a different school.

School evals were in line with ASD and ADHD, but school evals don't make diagnoses. The reports (which I have copies of now as an adult) urged my parents to take me for full medical testing, neuro, psych, etc.

They didn't.

I am now diagnosed with hoards of things (ASD, ADHD, Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, sensory integration disorder, narcolepsy, epilepsy, rare hormone issues that aren't so well underatood, etc. Etc.) that eventually were traced to a probable singular cause - a genetic syndrome called 22q11.2

When 2 of my children exhibited troublesome signs as babies/toddlers, I wasted no time in fighting for EI services. Both were diagnosed with autism, one with co-occuring ADHD, the other with co-occuring 22q11.2. BH both of them are leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at their age because of the help they have received and beH will continue to receive. My older child with ASD and ADHD is turning 7 in a couple weeks.

I don't think 9 is too old. In fact, I remember that at 9 I was so desperate for help and love that my teacher that year (who was kind to me and patient with me despite my multitude of issues) is still my hero. I never managed to tell her any of the real serious things, but just her being next to my desk comforting me when I cried over who even remembers what... It meant everything to me. She believed in me. She gave me hope. I wanted to BE HER when I grew up. I still do. I excelled in her class more than any other up to that point.

Kal v'chomer the difference it would have made if I'd gotten therapies and actual real help.

A 9-year-old has a future. No matter the situation now. They can change and grow and flourish.
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