Simchas and mental health

amother

Sun, Sep 04 2022, 10:27 am

How do people survive making simchas?

Last year I made a bar mitzvah and I was wiped out, it still didn’t go as planned, I was tense and short tempered, and as an aftermath I fought and broke a few friendships.

Just a year later I am realizing that I just wasn’t happy with the way it all went because I was so invested.

I don’t understand how I would make weddings. I will probably lose my sanity, and I am not exaggerating.

Does anyone else deal with this issue? Solutions?
Meds?

DVOM

Sun, Sep 04 2022, 10:37 am

Maybe tell us more about what you're expectations were, and why you were so upset and tense at the results. What in the making of a bar mitzvah caused such awful fights/ loss of friendships?

I made a bar mitzvah a year ago too. It was hard work, but great fun, and while the results were far from perfect, my bar mitzvah boy had a wonderful time and felt so special. In my mind, that made it a success.

amother

DarkKhaki

Sun, Sep 04 2022, 10:42 am

I find these things anxiety inducing, but that’s because of my own need for perfection. I recognize that, accept the disappointments, and try to focus on being grateful for being able to make these simchas and for everything that went right. There were a couple of things that really bothered me about my daughter’s bat mitzva party last year. Big things about the decor. But everything else was great. My hard to please daughter was thrilled. So that’s what I need to focus on.

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Sep 04 2022, 11:39 am

I could get like that too op.
I really wanted my bm boy to feel good about his simcha .
A year earlier we reserved the hall.
2 months before I chose invitations
We were dealing with a tremendous amount of stress in our family at that time. Nothing was getting done for the bm.
Around a month before I took care of clothing…
Of course there were issues, alterations not coming out right…
I reserved a caterer
2 weeks before I hired a musician and a photographer… that was really late. I was lucky after many phone calls to be able to find someone.
Things were not coming together.
I finally called a party planner.
She took over.
It ended up looking really nice.
It was worth the expense for my peace of mind.

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 9:16 pm

someone who would get angry at a friend on a noraml day for whaetever reason,
by angry at guy at grocery,
get into a fight about kids car pool....

life brings situation that surface stress and difficulty to deal with it on normal days,

I would expect it to be x1000 worse when hosting a large party.

Much more to trigger

good therapy starting now, for several years, to find inner calm. no other way.

amother

Amaranthus

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 10:10 pm

DVOM wrote:

same. made my dd a bas mitzvah. far from perfect but she enjoyed and that's what counts. it's easy to take it personal and feel like it flopped, I'm bad at these things but I reminded myself it was for her and she was happy and that's what counts.

miami85

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 10:14 pm

I once heard a very wise piece of wisdom, "whenever you are planning an event, be prepared for 5 things to go wrong" so that as they come you aren't taken aback and you can just say "that's one"..."that's two". This helped me plan for a few major events in my life--a shabbaton, a huge milestone birthday party for my mother, my wedding etc.

amother

Pink

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 10:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

I actually do know people who take meds for these things.

Me, I finally hired a party planner. It's not that much more money at the end of the day really and cheaper than a psychiatrist. You're still busy with plenty but at least you're not falling apart.

amother

DarkKhaki

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 10:42 pm

amother Pink wrote:

I needed both haha

amother

Lotus

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 11:26 pm

Making simchas is stressful. However, barring any majorly catastrophic mishaps such as a fire breaking out or all the food spoling, most things that go wrong are noticed by the baalat simcha only. Everyone else has a great time!

amother

Papaya

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 11:28 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

Making simchas is stressful. However, barring any majorly catastrophic mishaps such as a fire breaking out or all the food spoling, most things that go wrong are noticed by the baalat simcha only.

At my sons upsherin we had a major flop with the timing. Was noticed by all and it inconvenienced many people. I feel terrible about it to this day, even though it wasn’t any of our faults.

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 8:12 am

DVOM wrote:

My expectation was that I will have what everyone has: aufruf in shul and a festive meal at a restaurant.
Due to covid it has to be much much smaller and then some family members didn’t come.
So I still planned some undercover celebration but it still had to be cancelled (rules in my country were very confusing).

Due to uncertainty And the fact that not all my friends and their dhs combine well, I invited different people at different times, some with and some without spouses, it was all a mess because we were doing stuff undercover.
Some of my friends who are usually flaky, decided to be insulted because they weren’t invited „properly“ or as early as others.

Meanwhile I was going crazy juggling work simcha and some other stress factors and I was also nor familiar with the whole inviting etiquette since I am a BT.

Anyone people who I expected to be dlkz turned their noses.

And I still mourn that out simcha was not at all how I pictured it

SuperWify

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 8:18 am

amother OP wrote:

m

Ouch thats really tough and boring you could have done differently. Iyh by the time you make his wedding Covid will be long forgotten history.

amother

Lotus

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 8:43 am

COVID really "farshterred" a lot of simchas for many people.
One of my children got engaged during COVID and I was also overwhelmed as to how I was going to pull the wedding off what with all the restrictions etc. The wedding was ultimately called off, and as upsetting as it was I was secretly relieved to have gotten out of that one. Said child as since gotten married B"H and we were able to have a regular wedding, but don't worry, there were plenty of dramas and mishaps with that as well...

I echo superwify's bracha that by the time you make his wedding, it will be long forgotten and hopfully no mishaps at all.