What's your take on this new thing of choosing own gift?

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 4:55 pm

I'm trying to wrap my head around it
[Almost] every new kallah is choosing their gift
It became an entitlement situation almost

Do you remember the days when the choson or choson's mother chose wrapped and sent off the gifts?

Goody2shoes

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 5:01 pm

What gifts are you referring too? Jewelry or others?
I'm asking because the only thing I chose on my own was my earrings. and that's the only thing I really like. Its a pity though, because these things are mine, not my MIL or anyone elses. Why should I not like it?

Last edited by Goody2shoes on Wed, Sep 14 2022, 5:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

Notsobusy

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 5:02 pm

I'm married over 20 years. I got a choice of bracelets to choose from, I chose my leichter, I chose the necklace my husband gave me in the yichud room, I chose both my diamond ring and wedding band. I didn't choose the siddur or machzorim I got. Pretty sure those were all the gifts I got, except for some cutesy gifts from my chosson.

Why shouldn't she choose her own gifts? These are all items she will iyh use for many years. A smart mil will want her kallah to love them!

amother

Navyblue

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 5:03 pm

I was a kallah 15 years ago and I chose my jewelry and everything else. Everyone’s taste is different I think it’s better this way. My mil gave the store a budget and they only showed me pieces in that budget. I honestly can’t see why anyone would think forcing gifts on someone is better and choosing is entitled.

amother

Obsidian

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 5:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Im married over 20 years. My mil gave me a bracelet and candlesticks. I disliked the bracet and rarely wore after a few years. The candlesticks I had no choice, just disliked them. My mil very generously gave me other jewelry over the years. I dislike them and so do not wear.

My fil was in charge of my ring and told my chosson to take me to choose a setting/shape. I picked one I love and love to this day.

When I was getting married (and I got married later than my friends) many were given a choice.

Why in the world would you want to spend so much money on something the beneficiary does not like?

amother

Daylily

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 6:49 pm

Echoing previous posters. I dislike every single gift (machzorim, leichter, jewelry pouch, vase) and jewelry (bracelet, ring, necklace) that my MIL chose. It's a pity because she spent so much money and I truly do not enjoy any of them. My earrings and watch, BH, I chose, so at least those 2 I feel happy wearing.

zaq

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 6:54 pm

It would be insane to give a kallah carte blanche and have her choose items that would bankrupt her inlaws for all time. The idea of having a price cap and asking the vendor to show her only items within that price range makes absolute sense. It could even be that some brides with moderate tastes might choose items less expensive than their inlaws would have selected on their own. OTOH, if the kallah decides she wants something more costly and is willing to kick in the extra $$ herself, what's wrong with that? What do you think the whole bridal registry thing is all about? Yes, it's a gift grab but it's also eminently practical.

What is wrong is the expectation of being allowed to choose and indignation if one is not given the choice. Any way you look at it, it's a gift, and by definition is given at the discretion of the gift giver. If they permit a choice, wunderbar! If not, a gracious thank you, not resentment, is still in order. If you absolutely hate the items, leave them in a drawer and wear them only for Purim dressup and when your inlaws come to visit.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 7:00 pm

The problem with her adding $ to it, is she will never feel like it is from them.
How would people feel if a budget was given for all the jewelry and if she wants really expensive earrings she can forgo the necklace, or get a more expensive bracelet and very modest earrings….that she can budget it herself.

Notsobusy

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 7:14 pm

zaq wrote:

My in-laws did this and I actually picked a necklace that was cheaper than the budget. My husband used the difference to buy me a piece of jewelry for our first anniversary. I also got to choose that piece of jewelry.

amother

Navyblue

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 7:20 pm

amother Holly wrote:

I hate the idea of requiring gifts at all! No matter who who picks them out. There's too much expectation in our world. It's become an obligation not an enjoyment

I have news for you. Every single culture and society has norms and obligations. Especially when it comes to weddings. I urge you to read up on it and learn about what happens everywhere.