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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
UPDATE:Not told or invited to neighbor's L'Chaim- very hurt
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tzimip




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 3:55 pm
We came home from my vort/ lchaim and ran into my downstairs neighbor. In the excitement of the day we had totally forgotten to call him. We felt terrible. These things happen.
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amother
Foxglove


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 5:20 pm
One lesson I am taking from this is to have a "in case of simchas" call list, with all of the people that need to be notified. Because I have totally forgotten to let people know about a simcha, not because they are not important to me but because when everything is flying a lot of stuff gets dropped.
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amother
Stonewash


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 5:33 pm
amother Foxglove wrote:
One lesson I am taking from this is to have a "in case of simchas" call list, with all of the people that need to be notified. Because I have totally forgotten to let people know about a simcha, not because they are not important to me but because when everything is flying a lot of stuff gets dropped.

Another lesson is don’t EXPECT people to remember to call when they are smack in the middle of a Simcha.
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amother
Tiffanyblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 8:58 pm
Op, I am really sorry you feel hurt. Hopefully, through reading these responses you feel better and don't take this personally.

There is such a short time between 'official' and lchaim. Only a few people are called, mostly to spread the word.

You sound like great cordial neighbors! Everyone needs good neighbors!

I think the assumption typically is that neighbor's in close proximity will see or hear about the simcha and don't need individual phone calls.....which is what happened to you! You were told!

Please please pick up the phone and call your neighbor to wish mazal tov! That is the appropriate etiquette now that you know. You can ask which child when you call- that's not a problem!
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 9:29 pm
I'm sure it wasn't intentional.

My sister made a bas mitzvah, purim seuda, had another kid get engaged and a nieces wedding all in a week. She made a vort (herself, not catered, etc) at the end of the week and didn't have a second to call people. She texted one text to a neighborhood chat and asked people to spread the word. Her next door neighbor and across the street neighbor didn't find out until a few weeks later that her daughter was engaged.

It happens. She felt terrible, but didn't have a second to breathe to call anyone.
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 9:56 pm
In my family we only have family at the lchaim.
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amother
Viola


 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 10:12 pm
OP
1. Maybe they are embarrassed about this simcha. Not proud of their chikd.
2. Maybe your child was turned down by this chosson and didn't want to make you feel bad
3. Maybe the aunts cousin of the new family was previously married to your cousins aunt and...
4. Maybe they called you and your phone was temporarily out of order
5. Maybe your teen erased the message by mistake
6. Maybe be big and just give them a hearty mazal tov and DO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE
7. it's Elul
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Mon, Sep 12 2022, 12:48 am
Our neighbors didn’t tell us either. It’s a hectic, joyful time, and the social norm isn’t to call everyone - people are supposed to spread the word, and your neighbors put up a huge mazel tov sign so it was pretty obvious! In our case, there was no sign, but we saw the street start to fill up with cars, so we texted another neighbor to ask what was going on (every street has someone who’s always in the know, we texted that person) then popped in to say mazel tov. I think your expectations are unrealistic and you’re causing yourself pain over something that was handled fine by your neighbors. I hope you have the opportunity to share many more simchas together and to enjoy those simchas with a full heart.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 7:51 am
UPDATE- OP here. the neighbor texted me the other day to see if I was going to a certain store, could I please picked up something. I was not going to that store so I did not pick anything up for her. She asks me a few times a year to pick something up at a store. And that is fine, it's a neighborly thing to do. I never ask her. We have also given her leftover food or extra unused items, the newspaper when one of them was looking for a job, produce form our garden, helped her with using a special program on zoom for her job, etc. In the meantime, the engaged child is having an engagement party and we are not invited to that either. If we are not invited to something as neighbors, I do not feel that she should be asking us to pick up items from a store. She should ask her friends instead. I do not get it. SMH.
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amother
Canary


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 7:58 am
amother OP wrote:
UPDATE- OP here. the neighbor texted me the other day to see if I was going to a certain store, could I please picked up something. I was not going to that store so I did not pick anything up for her. She asks me a few times a year to pick something up at a store. And that is fine, it's a neighborly thing to do. I never ask her. In the meantime, the engaged child is having an engagement party and we are not invited to that either. If we are not invited to something as neighbors, I do not feel that she should be asking us to pick up items from a store. She should ask her friends instead. I do not get it. SMH.


Op, something may be off with this woman......in that case, please don't take it personally. Though I feel sorry for you to have to experience this
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amother
Mint


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:00 am
Why do you think you're not invited to the engagement party? People don't usually send out personal invitations, usually they just post a general announcement for everyone
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English3




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:04 am
My neighbours make many simchas, baruch hashem. I never expected them to invite me as we are many. If my neighbour makes a tenoyim, kidush or anything that is not by invitation if I feel close I go. Why do you feel you need a personal invite? I have gone to tons of simchos without being invited, and if I wouldn't have come they would have been hurt. if it's obvious that you need to go, why do they have to invite you.
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amother
Canary


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:06 am
amother Mint wrote:
Why do you think you're not invited to the engagement party? People don't usually send out personal invitations, usually they just post a general announcement for everyone


The neighbor SPECIALLY called OP for a favor and did not invite at the same time. This is definitely strange. She knew to call her for what SHE WANTS but is ignoring the courtesy of extending an invite to the simcha. Sounds off to me
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amother
Cognac


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:07 am
Why would you need a personal invitation? Just go.
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amother
Poinsettia


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:10 am
OP-I agree with you 100%

Just think of the money you are saving on a gift and now you know where you stand if she wants a favor-clearly no need to put yourself out if it is not super convenient for you.
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amother
Melon


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:12 am
People often don't issue personal invitations for things like an engagement party. Probably she's wondering why you didn't show up, lol.
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amother
Canary


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:15 am
amother Melon wrote:
People often don't issue personal invitations for things like an engagement party. Probably she's wondering why you didn't show up, lol.


But she made sure to call OP for the favor she wants. Can't she extend an invitation at the same time? I'm sure she's going to be phoning round some people to invite them. She already had OP on the phone, why did she not mention she's making a tenoim at the same time that she's "using" OP for her own needs?
This is basic manners.
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BrachaVHatzlocha




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:22 am
Did you call her and wish her mazel tov??
Also could it be she texted you an invite and the picture text didn't go through?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:31 am
OP here again. One of their other children got married last year and were invited to the engagement party and wedding. We have a close relationship with one of their married children. During the height of COVID with restrictions to weddings, we were invited because as the child put it "you were always on my first list (even if I am limited you will be invited)." We believe we were never on the parents' list. And, I am sure the child put up a fight to have us invited because the mother probably did not want us there. Now that another child is getting married, we feel the mother does not want to include us at all. We feel that she wants to make it clear that we were only invited to the other wedding because we were on the child's, not her, list. Now that it is a different child, we are not on her list.
My husband feels that she is a "social climber" and since we do not have loads of friends ,we are no value to her( can't introduce her to important people). I feel like she is just being plain mean, like a high school girl. And even though we now know there is something off with this woman, we are still hurt. I have cried many times because of this.
It is going to be awkward with the engagement party and wedding. People will ask us how was the engagement party and/or wedding. I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice. I have not said a word to anyone about this and it is difficult to go through this situation w/o my friends. But, I do have my imamother friends so thank you.
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amother
Rainbow


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:35 am
amother OP wrote:
OP here again. One of their other children got married last year and were invited to the engagement party and wedding. We have a close relationship with one of their married children. During the height of COVID with restrictions to weddings, we were invited because as the child put it "you were always on my first list (even if I am limited you will be invited)." We believe we were never on the parents' list. And, I am sure the child put up a fight to have us invited because the mother probably did not want us there. Now that another child is getting married, we feel the mother does not want to include us at all. We feel that she wants to make it clear that we were only invited to the other wedding because we were on the child's, not her, list. Now that it is a different child, we are not on her list.
My husband feels that she is a "social climber" and since we do not have loads of friends ,we are no value to her( can't introduce her to important people). I feel like she is just being plain mean, like a high school girl. And even though we now know there is something off with this woman, we are still hurt. I have cried many times because of this.
It is going to be awkward with the engagement party and wedding. People will ask us how was the engagement party and/or wedding. I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice. I have not said a word to anyone about this and it is difficult to go through this situation w/o my friends. But, I do have my imamother friends so thank you.



If that is indeed the case there is something seriously socially off to the point where it's laughable. Calling you for favors and not inviting you is really off. Please don't be insulted and just realize she has a lot of issues. I would not do favors though.
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