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UPDATE:Not told or invited to neighbor's L'Chaim- very hurt
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amother
Cognac


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:35 am
Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:36 am
amother Melon wrote:
People often don't issue personal invitations for things like an engagement party. Probably she's wondering why you didn't show up, lol.



In my community, you get invited to an engagement party. You do not just showed up.
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amother
Melon


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:40 am
amother Canary wrote:
But she made sure to call OP for the favor she wants. Can't she extend an invitation at the same time? I'm sure she's going to be phoning round some people to invite them. She already had OP on the phone, why did she not mention she's making a tenoim at the same time that she's "using" OP for her own needs?
This is basic manners.

No. Not in the various communities/cities I've lived in. In my experience tons of not officially invited people show up to engagement parties, no one expects an official phone call or text. If you specifically call to wish mazel tov, then they'll probably mention the party, but otherwise everyone who knows them is expected and welcome to show up. Definitely neighbors. The general announcement is the invitation. A few people that they feel very close to will probably get a call but it doesn't mean others aren't invited. But doing neighborly favors isn't the same as being close friends and an invitation isn't a tit for tat, thank you for lending me eggs when I run out sort of acknowledgment. Probably if op got an official invite last year, they assume she knew to come to this one. That's how things work.
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amother
Melon


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:44 am
amother OP wrote:
In my community, you get invited to an engagement party. You do not just showed up.

If they invited you to the last one, they assume you just knew to come to this one.
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amother
Tiffanyblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:47 am
English3 wrote:
My neighbours make many simchas, baruch hashem. I never expected them to invite me as we are many. If my neighbour makes a tenoyim, kidush or anything that is not by invitation if I feel close I go. Why do you feel you need a personal invite? I have gone to tons of simchos without being invited, and if I wouldn't have come they would have been hurt. if it's obvious that you need to go, why do they have to invite you.


I 100% agree with this and this is how my neighborhood conducts itself. I've been "personally jnvited" to only a handful of lechaym /vorts /kiddushes on the block..... and then only because I was supposed to spread the word.

Depending how close I am I may or may not go the lchayim, but as a neighbor I am definitely putting on my sheitel and going to the vort or kiddush as it is rude of me not to. Depending on how close we are I may call up to offer to help w something even though I did not receive a personal invitation.
I only get "personal invitations" when it's from an old friend who knows im not going to hear about it.

From the responses above, the personal invitation thing is cultural. Some people seem surprised the person hasn't said anything and others, like me, think this is normal. I live in Lakewood and no personal invitations are given to open house events.

So op, where are you and your neighbors from? That may be the source of this "miscommunication".
Were you personally invited to simchas by other people on your block?

Please don't hold a grudge thus time of year. This is either cultural or your neighbor has an issue. Either way, I doubt they are trying two hurt you. Meanwhuke, Text a different neighbor to find out where the vort it and please show up!
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:52 am
amother Melon wrote:
If they invited you to the last one, they assume you just knew to come to this one.


We do not do that here. How do I just show up if I do not know where it is?
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amother
Melon


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 8:59 am
amother OP wrote:
We do not do that here. How do I just show up if I do not know where it is?

Ask another neighbor, say you'd like to go along with her.
L'chaims are usually in the home or otherwise very informal.
I agree with previous poster, if you specify where you live or sort of community you'll get specific advice.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:02 am
She asked you to pick something up for her.
Good opportunity to ask oh, btw, where's the lchaim?
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amother
Red


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:02 am
Sorry op
I was hoping for a happier update
That said ime we felt terrible for those who personalized and felt left out when there wasn’t a way for us to personally invite everyone and thought people knew to come via those spreading the word
We did a vort immediately following the engagement
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:07 am
amother OP wrote:
OP here again. One of their other children got married last year and were invited to the engagement party and wedding. We have a close relationship with one of their married children. During the height of COVID with restrictions to weddings, we were invited because as the child put it "you were always on my first list (even if I am limited you will be invited)." We believe we were never on the parents' list. And, I am sure the child put up a fight to have us invited because the mother probably did not want us there. Now that another child is getting married, we feel the mother does not want to include us at all. We feel that she wants to make it clear that we were only invited to the other wedding because we were on the child's, not her, list. Now that it is a different child, we are not on her list.


OP, I think you answered it here. You may have thought you were closer to the neighbor than she thought you were. You weren't invited to the first wedding bc you were the mom's neighbor. But bc the kid getting married wanted you there.

I had a similar thing, where in high school, if you asked me who my best friend was, I said "this girl" but if you asked this girl who her best friend she didn't say me.

It stings to realized, but... Maybe you're just not that close and had it been this current child getting engaged first, you wouldn't even have the previous child to compare it to.
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amother
Moonstone


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:08 am
amother OP wrote:
OP here again. One of their other children got married last year and were invited to the engagement party and wedding. We have a close relationship with one of their married children. During the height of COVID with restrictions to weddings, we were invited because as the child put it "you were always on my first list (even if I am limited you will be invited)." We believe we were never on the parents' list. And, I am sure the child put up a fight to have us invited because the mother probably did not want us there. Now that another child is getting married, we feel the mother does not want to include us at all. We feel that she wants to make it clear that we were only invited to the other wedding because we were on the child's, not her, list. Now that it is a different child, we are not on her list.
My husband feels that she is a "social climber" and since we do not have loads of friends ,we are no value to her( can't introduce her to important people). I feel like she is just being plain mean, like a high school girl. And even though we now know there is something off with this woman, we are still hurt. I have cried many times because of this.
It is going to be awkward with the engagement party and wedding. People will ask us how was the engagement party and/or wedding. I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice. I have not said a word to anyone about this and it is difficult to go through this situation w/o my friends. But, I do have my imamother friends so thank you.


OP it seems like your neighbor is a little socially challenged. The only thing I could think of is perhaps she thought she invited you already? Perhaps they’re tight on money and are really keeping things small?

On the other hand, I’m not sure why you are taking this so hard. It sounds like you have other good friends BH. Based on your description, it doesn’t seem like you and this woman are great friends who really get a long and have a nice bond. It sounds much more like an acquaintance relationship, maybe a little closer. Why are you crying many times over this?
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:17 am
People do forget to announce. My SIL (DH's sister) married off during the peak of COVID in israel.
I offered myself to SIL to be her "secretary" if she wants me to call people instead of her doing it. And yes, she asked me to call around 10-15 people that they should keep distance because of COVID. I did this on motzei Shabbos.
On the same motzash Bibi announces that simchas are to be reduced to be only 10 persons gathering (instead of 100)
I remember I did everything that was asked of me and mailed her to whom I had spoken and not.
To our great surprise I get a calltwo days later from DH's other nephew saying he missed my call and in the same breath saying he is at the wedding NOW.
Turned out wedding was taking place one day before scheduled date in a different location and in the craziness between doing sheelat Rav and changing the venue *twice* as well as the date (pasken) they forgot to let us know.
DH was very upset for a minute and wanted to go to wedding even if it was late. I said I'm not bothering and told him we better stay at home because SIL obviously owes us an explanation.
The matter was clarified as SIL explained to use what she has been through (a NIGHTMARE to put it mildly)
I felt so sorry for my SIL and totally understood if it had slipped her mind to inform us.
Told DH good that we didn't go. Nobody kept distances and my other SIL prayed she wouldn't get infected. It was packed and even the police showed up in the end of the evening Confused
Baruch HaShem the couple got married Smile
The happy couple who a month later find out that they can't attend Lel haseder and any pesach meals at kallahs family (same city) due to very strict COVID rules and they don't even have a single spoon or any other keilim AT ALL kosher for Pesach. But that's another story Smile
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rachelli66




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:20 am
OP I was also hoping to hear a happier update. If you can forgive her for causing you pain especially during this time now before RH' that is real power. I hope you will know that even if she doesn't invite you to her Simchas, you have tremendous worth in Hashem's eyes.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:38 am
amother OP wrote:
OP here again. One of their other children got married last year and were invited to the engagement party and wedding. We have a close relationship with one of their married children. During the height of COVID with restrictions to weddings, we were invited because as the child put it "you were always on my first list (even if I am limited you will be invited)." We believe we were never on the parents' list. And, I am sure the child put up a fight to have us invited because the mother probably did not want us there. Now that another child is getting married, we feel the mother does not want to include us at all. We feel that she wants to make it clear that we were only invited to the other wedding because we were on the child's, not her, list. Now that it is a different child, we are not on her list.
My husband feels that she is a "social climber" and since we do not have loads of friends ,we are no value to her( can't introduce her to important people). I feel like she is just being plain mean, like a high school girl. And even though we now know there is something off with this woman, we are still hurt. I have cried many times because of this.
It is going to be awkward with the engagement party and wedding. People will ask us how was the engagement party and/or wedding. I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice. I have not said a word to anyone about this and it is difficult to go through this situation w/o my friends. But, I do have my imamother friends so thank you.


No need for pettiness, maybe she only sees you as a neighbor and not a close friend? Youre a grown woman and yes it hurts to not be included but it shouldn’t bother you this much - distance yourself from them because clearly they dont see your relationship with them how you see it.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 9:44 am
I had enough time to call maybe 5 people about my daughter’s engagement. Everyone else got a WhatsApp status. It was hectic. Even my vort invitation was my WhatsApp status. I can’t personally invite people when my daughter has tried on 15 dresses and doesn’t like any of them.
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Ruchi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 12:54 pm
I'm horrified at some of the insensitive and almost bordering on cruel, replies.

Do you not realise how awful it is to feel that your neighbor would phone you for a favor but not want to tell you that she is making a vort, on that very same phone call ?
Do you think op is sub human and without feelings? This hurts and stings. OP has every right to feel offended and pained.

If she wouldn't be phoning OP for a favor then the picture would be very different

OP please ignore the nasty comments. Those who write it have no understanding.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:05 pm
I would tell her straight up that you feel hurt that you aren't being invited. Put her in the hot seat. You can also tell her that for now you aren't comfortable doing her favors as the relationship has become very one sided.

You're not a doormat.
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:36 pm
Quote:
I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice.
This sounds like it might be loshon hora, OP, you might want to think about this before Rosh Hashana and be a bigger person.
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Ruchi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:08 pm
penguin wrote:
Quote:
I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice.
This sounds like it might be loshon hora, OP, you might want to think about this before Rosh Hashana and be a bigger person.


Can't you see OP is in pain. If you have nothing supportive to add then please don't come in with a holler than thou mussar talk..

It's before Rosh Hashona equally for you, so why do you want to add more pain to OP?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:16 pm
penguin wrote:
Quote:
I am going to state that we were not invited vs. we did not go because I want people to realize that it was not nice.
This sounds like it might be loshon hora, OP, you might want to think about this before Rosh Hashana and be a bigger person.

OP here. I have held back and did not repeat this story to anyone. So I spoke no Lashon hora. If someone asks me about the engagement party or wedding, I may state we were not invited rather than we did not go. Let people draw their own conclusions. why should I cover up how poorly she is treating us?
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