My daughter was humiliated, Dear teachers and principals….

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Beige

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 7:29 pm

Don't know when or where this story is from, but if my son came home and said his rebbe stuck his hands in my child's pants pockets, I'd call the police. That's invasive, disgusting, and sick.

Roots

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 2:26 pm

That is a super story I sent to my husband, mother and sisters who are all teachers
I must say I love the way you brought your point across

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 3:03 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

How old is your daughter?
What do you mean by "my daughter may have done something wrong"?

She's in 8th grade and she did something against the school rules. Nothing terrible, just against the rule.

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 3:09 pm

rachelli66 wrote:

OP , Do you think whatever happened in school should have been overlooked and continue on with your day, or should it have been dealt with privately, not in front of the teachers and class,school?

No, it should definitely not have been overlooked. It should've been dealt with differently. Let's just say- the punishment didn't fit the crime.

The second problem is- that after she's been mistreated it's very tough for a parent to handle the situation properly. Because on one hand you what her to learn her lesson and on the other hand you feel bad for her and end up sticking up for her and taking her side.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 3:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your daughter is around 13-14 years old, am I correct?
I am sorry for your and your daughter and it's not a pleasant situation but it's a part of growing up. Life is not a rose garden and friction free. Your daughter got punished (in a way that could have been done in a better way) and hopefully she's learned her lesson. It shall all pass.

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 3:49 pm

You know, when our kids are young, as much as possible, we try to tell them that whatever the school rule is....is the rule. Because this maximizes our kids' chinuch experience. And I tell my kids that. You want to tell her that the school rule is the school rule and she should not have broken the school rule.

We also really want to tell them that the teacher, the principal, etc...is always right. When they are young we tell them that. But at a certain point, part of growing up is when kids start to realize and learn that grownups aren't perfect. And unfortunately that can include the principal. Or a teacher. (and sometimes they are far from perfect).

You need to talk to her about that. First of all she should know she shouldn't have broken the school rule. And on top of that, she needs to know that if she breaks a school rule, she risks consequences. And sometimes, those can even be over-the-top, unfair consequences. Because people aren't perfect. And she took a risk. Sometimes the consequences of risks are more than anticipated.

Beyond that, do validate the hurt and pain she feels, and how you wish this hadn't happened to her. As much as possible, emphasize to her that she CAN move on from this, and that she CAN grow from this. Tell her that B"EH this will teach her sensitivity, and as an adult she will be far more appropriate in her chinuch positions (as a mother, and any other chinuch position she chooses.)

Before he was known as the Gadol HaDor, R' Yaakov Kaminetsky was a Rebbe beloved for his sensitivity to his Talmidim. It's well known that when he was 10, his Rebbe falsely accused him of lying and slapped him for it, presumably in front of his Cheder mates. R' Yaakov never forgot this, and it spurred that extra sensitivity in him, which is what a Gadol is all about.

amother

Dustypink

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 3:52 pm

Dear OP: good for sticking up for your daughter. even if she broke a rule.

Children who dont have parents to stick up for them sometimes feel it is not worth to go on living.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 3:55 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

Dear OP: good for sticking up for your daughter. even if she broke a rule.

Children who dont have parents to stick up for them sometimes feel it is not worth to go on living.

Aren't you just a bit dramatic now? So a parent doesn't stick up for the kid and that means (chalilla) suicide, is that what you are saying?

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 8:46 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Thank you. Beautifully written. But this wasn’t the point of my thread.

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 8:51 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Unfortunately you’re right, it’s part of growing up but that doesn’t mean it’s right. And this exactly was the point of my thread, to bring awareness that it shouldn’t be this way. It became so normal in todays day that when you hear a story where a teacher was sensitive to his student and protected him- then the story makes no sense. For example- the story I just shared.

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 9:03 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Aren't you just a bit dramatic now? So a parent doesn't stick up for the kid and that means (chalilla) suicide, is that what you are saying?

No! She is not dramatic at all.
Dramatic is the principal who chooses to publicly shame and humiliate a girl because that way she will learn her lesson. Embarrassing someone especially in public is just like killing a neshama.

My husband still can’t forget a story when his classmate was dragged into the lunchroom in front of hundreds of boys and the principal pulled him by his collar, took the mike and loudly yelled at him and shared with entire lunchroom what he just did. My husband shares this story with tears in his eyes because the boy ( now 40 years old) is no longer among the Jewish nation. Because when he came home that day from school his parents did not stick up for him. He got another yelling from them. Perhaps, they failed to be dramatic.

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 9:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. Beautifully written. But this wasn’t the point of my thread.

Is your point that you want the principal to realize how wrong she was? Because we can't always control that outcome in others. We can only control an outcome in ourselves.

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 10:22 am

Chayalle wrote:

Is your point that you want the principal to realize how wrong she was? Because we can't always control that outcome in others. We can only control an outcome in ourselves.

I’m trying to bring awareness.

ProudMommie

Thu, Sep 22 2022, 4:59 am

There is no excuse to humiliate a child ever, for any reason. No excuse. The teacher or principal or whatever educational professional should be severely punished by the system. Unfortunately, I am not naive and don't think it will happen. However, there can never be any excuse and definitely no forgiveness without sincere remorse and sincere apology!!!

amother

Pansy

Thu, Sep 22 2022, 5:18 am

I'm not defending the principal but the reason why teachers or principals do this is because if all the kids have some fear of them they will have discipline. They don't know how to instil the fear and respect without resorting to humiliation. If you tell off students publicly it prevents other students doing the same thing. If you do it privately then you may have to tell off twenty students privately. And you get into a situation where too many kids are flouting the rules and it's hard to deal with. Humiliation is easier and quicker way to get the respect and to get everyone to follow the rules. I don't think it's right, I'm just explaining why it happens.

amother

Green

Thu, Sep 22 2022, 6:02 am

There's a book by Richard Curwin called Discipline with Dignity. He was a master teacher who understood that you have to respect a child's inner dignity, even when trying to change his or her behavior.

I don't think we'll get anywhere by repeating a story that is almost certainly made up. (Ever notice how no one knows the name of the school or the teacher?) It's a lovely story, and has value on its own. However, just as respect for children is a value, so is honesty.

amother

DarkRed

Thu, Sep 22 2022, 6:49 am

Every single year when the teachers ask if there’s something they need to know about my child (starting from preschool), I say: My child does better with criticism/direction when it is done with dignity and not in front of the entire class. I will not back down from this position.

Lady A

Thu, Sep 22 2022, 9:10 am

This really hits me.
I am a geirus and growing up went to Catholic school. Some of the nuns were lovely, caring women but there were still those few who ‘taught’ by embarrassing and humiliating students whenever possible. It’s a stinging pain that never leaves you completely. Anything from leaving an assignment at home, forgetting a library book, even gazing out the window for too long were all met with severe chiding by those crazy few nuns. And the thing is, it dis NOTHING to help me. Not help my organizational skills, not help me executive function skills.
It did teach me to cower in the corner.

Even today, decades later, I am very apprehensive about making any mistakes and when I do I start doubting myself in everything I do.

clowny

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:57 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

Love this!
Thanks

amother

Lightcyan

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:23 am

amother OP wrote:

this episode is traumatic for me to even read

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