I find it very hard to be in shul.

amother

Glitter

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 3:56 am

amother Peachpuff wrote:

I was an older single and then didn’t have kids right away. For so many years I dreaded rosh hashana as o was expected to be in shul. Everyone else seemed to daven with kavana and for me I was jumping out of my skin (no I don’t have ADHD but it’s just a really long time). This year I Bh have a baby and I am so relieved that I’m just going for shofar. I feel a tad guilty for feeling this way but you know what? I did it for so many years o feel like I deserve it. Yeah I know I sound like a rasha

That was me
Was relieved to have a good excuse not to be in shul all day
I had a few kids BH and a good number of years was hardly in shul
Now my youngest is 10 and I’m not sure I can handle being in shul again
I’m just not a shul goer
Life is stressful and sometimes my time to relax is when the men are in shul
Also hard for me to have to be in charge of the food, set table etc and also be in shul
But I’ll probably go for shofar and mussaf. I can’t not be there for mussaf. My girls are doing whatever I do…
I do miss the baby/toddler days when I had to hang out at home

Highstrung

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 7:04 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

There's a value to davening together with community. We relate to Hashem not just as individuals, but also as members of klal yisrael. For one yom tov a year, it's worth going out of your comfort zone, if you can.

I know that some people do well in shul. But I know that I can’t daven while in shul. I can’t concentrate. Too much noise , movement , and I like to sing and daven with my voice and I can’t do that in shul. So is it preferable to have less kavanah but be in shul rather than being home and having strong connection and kavanah? Honestly , it’s the first time in my life that I’m hearing about the importance of actually being in shul. All my life , I knew that it’s important to daven. I’ve never heard that it’s better to daven in shul, for a woman.

Ema of 5

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 7:39 am

Highstrung wrote:

This. If going to shul helps you to daven better and connect better, then go for it. But if it doesn’t work for you, and you connect better and concentrate better at home, then I don’t understand why that wouldn’t be a good thing. Women in general don’t have an obligation to daven in shul. That doesn’t change because you don’t have children or because your children are themselves old enough to go to shul….

amother

Mauve

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 7:58 am

amother Electricblue wrote:

That’s me! But I feel soo guilty that I’m not seeing a good example for my kids. I just don’t like being in shul. I’m too distracted by who’s there, and other gashmius thoughts. I so wish I could stay all day.

I was like this too and started going to a nearby dati leumi shul where I don't know a soul. Would you daven at a shul that's a different type where you wouldn't know anyone and everyone will be dressed in a different style so you can't even sit there comparing and starting at clothing?

amother

Coffee

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 9:03 am

I always found it hard to be in shul but both my father and later my husband reassured me that davening b'tzibbur isn't a woman's role. This assuaged my guilt enough for me to try every year. Every year, I go and leave as soon as I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it was for 10 minutes, sometimes I lasted 2 hours.
Last year, I shocked myself by staying for almost the whole davening and actually enjoying it. I think there were 3 reasons why.
1) age. Maybe I outgrew my ADD tendencies.
2) Comfort level. I went a shul where I knew only 2 people. I wasn't constantly thinking about how I was presenting myself.
3) Mindset. I recognized that RH isn't about asking for a good year or doing teshuva. It's mostly about being mamlich Hashem. And that it something that is best done with others although it is perfectly acceptable to do alone if it is difficult to concentrate in shul. This helped me focus on the tefillos instead of on myself. It was a wonderful experience.

amother

Mintcream

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 9:17 am

I am instinctively like this these days. I was a real shul goer as a teen and until I had kids, and then I just lost the ability to stay that long and concentrate- it was driving me crazy to be there. It's still hard. But I now go anyway, because I realized my girls were not getting shul experience. Yes, they don't need to be in shul. But I feel like I'm taking something from them if I take away the option because they never get the experience. Even the ones who are old enough to go on their own won't actually go on their own because they have no framework for it. So I go now, to take them.

amother

Antiquewhite

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 6:09 pm

My youngest is 11 so over the past couple of years I've slowly been going back to shul. While my kids were young I would just go for Shofar and then on YK for Kol Nidrei and Neila - I live right near a shul so I would stand outside and listen. When my kids got old enough to babysit I would also go for Maftir Yonah (for some reason I really like listening to). It was really hard going back to Daven, at the beginning and I'd take breaks often. This year I was there from Hamelech through Kedush of Mussaf and I really enjoyed it. You can't compare Unesane Tokef in Shul to being home its just not the same.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:09 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Well, after all that dd and I got covid so we stayed home and ds blew shofar for us.

Bh very mild cases. It should be a kapporah that I wasn’t able to smell or taste any of my yom Tov food! (Omg anosmia is weird!!!!)

Refuah shelaima!!
My son (now 15) for a shofar for his Bar Mitzvah, so he has been blowing shofar for me for the last few years. Considering I am due soon, I don’t see myself returning to shul anytime soon. When I do, I’m not sure I will go to my husband’s yeshiva, it’s a mile from our house….

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:20 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

But its only a value if its going to make the day better. I dont think there is any value is doing something out of your comfort zone. And women are never obligated in minyan, so I really dont see this as a value.
As I wrote above in the thread, I havent been to shul in many years. I have only teens so really I could go. But my connection to hashem and thereby communal prayer, has ceased to have any meaning to me, so going to shul would not add any value for me for rosh hashana.

amother

Crystal

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 5:38 am

Men have a chiyuv to daven b’tzibur
Women no matter how large the group. Don’t create a tzibur.
I connect better at home too but come to shul to be part of the men’s tzibbur and to pray in front of an open Aron Kodosh and answer kedushah.
And when the men sing it does lift my soul.

Every person should choose what makes sense for them. Blessings for a happy and good year to all!!

amother

Whitesmoke

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 5:58 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

It's true that women don't create a minyan, but they are still part of the nation. Davening is phrased in the plural. We're supposed to daven as a kahal.

And I don't know where you get the idea that everything has to be comfortable. We just read (in shul, maybe you missed it) about Avraham Avinu being commanded to do things that were difficult, even abhorrent to him. How could he possibly connect to Hashem after being asked to exile one son and kill another? Still, he did what he had to do. Obviously, we don't have direct commands from Hashem, but to the extent that the directives of Chazal represent the will of Hashem, then we sometimes have to do things that make us uncomfortable, or that don't feel meaningful to us.

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:52 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

I don’t see the connection between one person being tested in a specific are (ok, 10 total, but still) and our need to be in shul in order to daven properly. Women have no obligation to be in shul. The end. Therefore if it enhances your day, go for it and go to shul, but if you connect better and daven better at home, then stay home.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 8:52 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

I agree with the concept, and women who connect this way in shul should see if they can work it out to attend shul.

But on the other hand, we women are selectively considered part of the kahal (at least in some communities). When it comes to the pleasant and enjoyable part of being part of the kahal, we women are sidelined. Think of Simchas Torah, and Purim for examples. So it's totally understandable that the women who don't connect well to shul, don't feel an amazing urge to override their feelings to be part of the kahal. After all, if you're only considered part of the kahal for the difficult parts, and are pushed aside for the enjoyable parts, what makes them equally feel part of the kahal?

My point here is to not guilt trip the women who feel differently than you. If you can go to shul and it works well for you, - it's something special. But if you can't get to shul, and/or it doesn't work well for you, then you don't need to work yourself up over it. The point of RH is to crown Hashem as your king, and you can do that equally well within the walls of your own home.