Now what? | Imamother

amother

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:23 pm

So I made it through Rosh Hashanah and it was pretty successful. Food was delicious and plentiful, took the kids to shul for Tekios both days, went to tashlich, hosted guests, did all the things. But me? I barely slept because my 18 month old was up crying for unknown reasons, I didn't daven anything at all unless you count morning brachos, I'm left with dishes to the moon to wash and I need to be out to work tomorrow at 7:15 am.
I'm just frustrated. I put in so much and all of it benefits everyone but me. My kids had an amazing YT, they really enjoyed, and I do get enjoyment from watching them enjoy. But YT doesn't have any place for me and I hate it.
Now Yom Kippur is coming and I'm in my third trimester with a slight risk for preterm labor so I'll be doing shiurim all day and trying to keep all my kids alive and safe and maybe happy too. Another YT that's completely not about me.
I don't think I'm looking for solutions, this is the stage of life that I'm at and I should be able to just appreciate it a little more and when I'm out of it, I'll get YT back. I guess I'm just sad and tired.

amother

Clear

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:31 pm

I so get you!!

Time to readjust. Why are you hosting? Unless there is a pressing need like elderly parents there is no need to host.

Time to use disposables. I get nicer ones for Yom tov, there is no need to stand for hours doing dishes, especially when pregnant.

Yom tov as mom with young children is exhausting, there is no need to make it even harder.

amother

Ballota

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:35 pm

My youngest of a bunch of kids is almost 4, and my shul has groups for the kids and I wasn’t particularly overworked- but I don’t enjoy all the yuntif . It’s a lot for us ladies . Cooking , cleaning , making sure everyone happy enough , everyone on off schedules - it’s a lot any way you slice it even if you hire help, use disposables etc. no advice- I totally get it !

amother

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:42 pm

amother Clear wrote:

I was hosting my younger unmarried siblings and they're amazing company, definitely not doing away with the time we get to have them.

I use disposables! But there are still millions of dishes and I don't even get how.

I do all the things to make it easier, I'm not even that resentful of the actual workload, I'm organized about it, I don't do fancy foods or anything, we're low key people. I just feel like all the work is pouring into and filling up everyone around me but me.

amother

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:44 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

I had the thought today, Yom Tov isn't meant to be about us. It's about Hashem.
But that thought probably won't help you right now. What you need is to take a sick day off of work and get some sleep.

I guess I'm not at that madreiga. My husband got a beautiful YT that he enjoyed and benefitted from, my kids did too. I guess it's just the mother who needs to figure out how to swallow herself and find the koach to do this all only for Hashem.

amother

DarkPurple

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 10:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

NO
I didn't mean that you need to "swallow yourself". Just the opposite, you need to figure out how to fill yourself up!

dena613

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 11:01 pm

Is you used disposable dishes, what dishes are you washing? Tell us here and maybe we can help you cut down on that. (Personally, I would tell you to have buffet setup of aluminum pans in the kitchen and people can serve themselves the main course, because it's just family, but if that's too casual, I hear.)

For the future- since your guests are single siblings, can you ask one or two to switch off with you and babysit a little so you can go to shul? There is nothing like davening shacharis or mussaf shemoneh esrei in shul. Or being there for unesaneh tokef. Can they do that for you? It would make YT more meaningful for you

amother

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 11:12 pm

dena613 wrote:

Serving dishes, lots of random items, cutting boards etc. The dishes are the least of my issues now, they're just another element of YT that's getting me frustrated. My siblings help a lot when they're in my house but my kids aren't their kids so I'm mindful about not asking too much and making them dread coming to me. Kinda like how I would have wanted to be treated if I were a young aunt or uncle.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 11:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

You’re just like Moshe Rabbeinu! He worked for klal Yisroel morning to night, fought for them, settled their disputes, listened to their complaints, intervened for them, erased himself from the Torah for them, and in the end he couldn’t get the reward with them. He couldn’t cross the finish line.

Your avodah was not missed. And now, please please call one of those cleaning services and get someone to do a thorough cleaning for one day and buy yourself whatever treat/lunch/restaurant dinner you want while everyone gets leftovers tomorrow!

amother

Mayflower

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 11:38 pm

I'm sorry that it is so difficult for you, OP. I'm at the other end of things but know exactly what you mean. I had four generations under my roof and yontiff was all about making beds, serving meals, cleaning up, and making sure young and old had needs met. I have almost no family help. Everyone is busy with his own responsibilities. It was exhausting. I did not get to shul, but I did have a short nap each day. I still have a huge clean up and lots of laundry. Tomorrow, I'm back to work with a demanding job. My non frum/non Jewish co-workers probably think I had a vacation. Lol. The frum ones get it, although most still go to family. Some family are still here tonight. We never go away for yontiff. Used to go for Pesach for a few years before covid but elderly parents cannot now and new parents can't either. For many years this bothered me. I stopped fighting it and just accepted that my contribution to yontiff is making it beautiful for others as my mother and MIL did when I was younger. I am as far from a "surrendered wife" type as could be, but this is my reality. I think it's okay.

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Sep 27 2022, 11:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

I also really struggle with this. And didn’t even daven Brachos. My 2 and 3 year olds just took turns sleeping at night and being cranky all day so I couldn’t really catch a break at all.

salt

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 4:26 am

amother OP wrote:

That is exactly it. It's that stage.
It passes be"H. But it can be long!
B"H I spent many years of RH and YK sitting at home reading my kids stories, playing lego and card games, and trying to fit in a little davening before baby wakes up. Oh and I sang a lot of my favorite songs from the davening out loud with/to my kids.
I never took young kids to shul for anything more than shofar.
When my boys were old enough they went with DH, and when my oldest DD was ready for some shul, I paired her up with a friendly lady who showed her the place.

But I don't see why you say you didn't benefit. You also ate the delicious food, and you also heard the shofar, and you had nice company - look on the bright side!
Every day of the year you take care of your kids, and cook and clean up and don't sleep much - don't expect RH to be any different, and then you won't be disappointed Smile

amother

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:36 am

salt wrote:

I wasn't even yotzei tekios first day LOL

and I didn't get to say the whole tashlich. I did eat, at least that I guess.
I guess I was just hoping that since I put in so much effort to make RH beautiful, maybe something would have been different than a normal day. But that was too much to hope for I suppose.

salt

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:41 am

amother OP wrote:

I wasn't even yotzei tekios first day LOL

You definitely don't have to worry about Tashlich, that is a minhag that not everyone even does.

According to wikipedia (Hebrew) yeminiteJews don't do tashlich, nor do talmidei haGra, and several other communities.