My shidduch segula story

DustyDiamonds

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 9:46 pm

OP, I truly appreciate your perspective! Thank you so much for sharing all of that. If you live nearby, let’s go on a walk, I have more to add!

One thing that stood out for me: for decades I’ve been saying Krias Shema with a laminated card in my night table. Even though I know it by heart, my mouth just doesn’t move quickly in Hebrew, and it takes me a good couple of minutes. And sometimes I’m exhausted.

A few months ago I was mad at Hashem about something that seems that it I’m the only one in the FFB community suffers from. It’s painful and difficult, and the loneliness of it compounds the pain. I started saying just the first paragraph of Shema by heart. My laminated card might be dusty.

Like my username lol.

I’m not writing a Kabbalah, yet you’ve certainly given me what to think about when I get into bed at 1am!!!

DustyDiamonds

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 9:48 pm

Also.

I remember a rabbi saying that it’s not possible that Mitzvahs will lead to good things in this world in a way that we can track.

If everyone who eats shellfish got cancer, and everyone who avoided shellfish, never got it… that completely removes Bechira (free will) from human’s lives. And the world is predicated on free will. Interesting thing to mull over.

amother

Mon, Aug 15 2022, 12:42 pm

DustyDiamonds wrote:

I'd love to go for a walk with you! Or for a coffee...

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you said you were mad at Hashem. A person who feels mad at Hashem is a person who has a very strong emuna. Because he believes from a very deep place that Hashem is in control of his life. Some people are simply disconnected from Hashem. They are not mad at Him because they don't really feel Him in their lives. There is no one for them to be mad at.

You, (and the other poster who said she was mad at Hashem,) live with Hashem's presence in your life in a very real and palpable way. For that , I can say "ashrecha!" (Ashrayich? Don't report me to the grammar police.)

amother

Mon, Aug 15 2022, 12:49 pm

DustyDiamonds wrote:

This is VERY interesting.

And yet, I would argue that I do think that we have enough scientific research to conclude that shellfish and smoking are dangerous, and are LIKELY to make someone get cancer.
True, you don't see that everyone who eats shellfish and everyone who smokes gets sick, so we have an element of bechira.
But we can still look at broad generalities and make smart decisions based on them.

When it comes to segulas, all we have is random personal anecdotes, and in many cases, the words of a tzaddik who can vouch for the efficacy of the segula. We certainly don't have a statistical body of research supporting it one way or another.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:32 am

amother Trillium wrote:

I love, love, love your attitude!!

A year and a half ago I did something tremendously difficult in the zchus that my dd should get engaged. And after that, we also had a lot of names redt and she even dated one guy many times and we thought they were getting engaged. And they didn't. And the names slowed down.

And I'm really, really angry at Hashem. Even though I know I have no right to be angry. But my dd isn't young, although she's not very old. And this was such a tremendous sacrifice. Much harder then saying shema every night. And she's still single. And it hurts. But you've just inspired me. So thank you!

I want to let you know something. The way it works is that H’ wants things to happen at a certain time, and they are going to happen at that time, no matter what. Segulos are not a guarantee. What a segula does exactly I’m not sure, but it doesn’t mean automatically that if you do a segula, you are going to get the thing happening to you. Because that’s not the way H’ works. H’ doesn’t give us that level of power that we can determine that something will happen at the time we want it. There are reasons why H’ wants things to happen at a certain time and in a certain way, and when your daughter is going to get engaged and how it’s going to happen is predetermined by H’. There is something to segulos but they don’t have the level of power that they are a guarantee that something you want is going to happen. It’s not like a button that you press that if you want something to happen, just press that button and it will happen.
I’m sorry that you got the mis-education about segulos that you thought they are a guarantee.
I hope your daughter finds her bashert very soon, and may H’ bless you that she get engaged asap!

amother

Indigo

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:46 am

amother OP wrote:

My heart hurts from reading this. Thanks for sharing...I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.

And I think your story illustrates a little the risk of investing too much in a "segula" in order to get something out of it.

Segulos are hyped up to be something akin to one of those machines, where you put your money in, push some buttons, and out pops a can of soda or a snack. And when nothing comes out, you start shaking it and banging on it angrily.

And then the kabbala you made- or in your words, the "sacrifice" you made- seems like it was for nothing, and instead of bringing you closer to Hashem, actually makes you feel more distant. And that's really a shame.

I don't fully understand the nature of segulos. I know it's not all superstition because many gedolim have revealed to us certain segulas. But it clearly was never meant to be like a magical charm.

I think its just meant to be a pathway to bring us closer to Hashem, and sort of show Hashem that we are willing to go the extra mile. We hope that He will favor us with that thing we yearn for, becauae we assume that the thing we want is good for us. But maybe its not? Maybe the timing isnt right?

Obviously, nothing we do will override the Master plan, so we just have to continue davening and trust that Hashem is doing what is best for us.

I give you a bracha that your daughter find her bashert quickly and smoothly, and that your anger towards Hashem turns to love.

אמן to your bracha!

amother

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 8:27 am

amother Indigo wrote:

I agree with this.
I look at segulos as a good thing to do, a way to garner extra zechusim, like saying extra tehillim. But it's not a gaurrantee.
May we all merit to see our deepest desires fulfilled for the good this year!
Kesiva Vechasima Tova!

snailmail

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:17 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

You are perfectly entitled to be angry at Hashem - and you should let him know. Pour out your heart in prayer, write it in a letter, or send an email! ( https://hashemsmailbox.com/ )
I recently heard this and was at first shocked - but then it made sense. There is no need to keep the feelings bottled up - perhaps that is what Hashem wants, to really hear your emotional plea (or maybe the answer was no) but it certainly helps to open up to Hashem.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:53 pm

snailmail wrote:

I once heard a story from Rabbi YY about a guy who called him up and said that he doesn't believe in Hashem. He went on to say that he actually eats on Yom Kipper, and he makes makes sure to eat a ham and cheese sandwich. On Yom Kipper. Davka to show he doesn't belive in Hashem and His Torah.

Rabbi YY told him that actually he is one of the biggest maaminim he knows. The man was shocked and protested this supposition. Rabbi YY explained that If he really didnt believe in Hashem, he wouldn't care to make a point of eating on YK. YK wouldn't mean anything to him at all, it would just be another day. Nor would earing ham. But since he makes sure to sin so egregiously on YK, that means that he believes very much in Hashem. He is just angry so he wants to take it out on Hashem. And for that he can do teshuva. But the main thing is that his emuna is intact and strong.

So, being angry at Hashem is a sure sign of understanding that all is coming from Hashem. That is emuna.
Bitachon means believing that everything that Hashem does for you is for your own good. So that is the area we all need to work on.