S/o clothes for a kallah

TravelHearter

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:14 am

Posting under my username here…
I’m usually a silent observer in the intense discussions that happen on here. But I can’t stop myself this time.
What is this martyr attitude about not buying clothes etc? You do what works for your family and move on. If there is a peer pressure thing about buying a whole new wardrobe for marriage then I definitely don’t agree with that. But come on…
My mother in law told my husband to buy new underwear, undershirts, white button downs, etc so that he’ll go into marriage set up. No, she was not babying him. BH he’s an incredibly independent, mature adult. She was being nice and doing what she thought was her duty as a mother.
When I was engaged, my parents bought me whatever I needed. I was mature and responsible about it. Most of my clothes were things younger people would wear and I was self conscious about that. I hadn’t done shopping in a while. I got what I need v’zehu.
One of our parents randomly deposits $100 into our account. It is always so appreciated. Is it babying? No. We don’t count on it.
Once in a while my mother gets a gift card and offers me some of it. I happily accept. She does so because she enjoys giving and making her kids happy.
Did I mention that neither side has money?
You do you. But don’t be all intense about it otherwise your kids will pick up on it. And who knows what might happen with that. The best שיטה (however you spell it) in my opinion is no שיתה at all.

amother

Almond

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:19 am

Not everyone has parents with the financial ability to do the same. Especially if they have several younger kids at home. I think the lack of understanding here is the divide btwn the haves and the have-nots. Those of us who grew up knowing how tightly stretched our parents were, would have felt guilty for our parents to have added financial stress for something that we can, and should, take responsibility for. There's nothing wrong with a working girl buying her own tights and lingerie before marriage or in preparation prior. And nothing wrong with a mature yeshiva guy stepping up to the plate and taking on odd jobs to do the same. Out of respect for his kallah, too, so he doesn't have torn underwear or socks with holes. (Worth more than a gold bracelet that he probably didn't pay for, imo, too, in showing his caring and respect to her.)
BTW I've noticed that "having no money" means different things to different pple. Sometimes, there's literally no money. And it's wrong for parents to go into debt for their able bodied adult children. Especially if younger dependent kids will now go without.

TravelHearter

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:26 am

Didn’t add the important detail that both sides do not have money and that one of us is an oldest. I got my gown in a gemach, hair and makeup and photography were no name people, yet got beautiful sheva brachos clothes. My parents don’t spend their time talking about money or the lack of it. When months were difficult we would push off buying shoes until the next month or two. Had steak for dinner maybe twice in my life. Etc. It doesn’t have to have such an intense presence.
I very much respect those that use their own money. That wasn’t my point.
My parents make their own choices, and I’m happy to follow along. If my mother gifts me $75 to a store out of the few hundred that she got, I saw are you sure? And then spend it.

amother

Almond

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:29 am

TravelHearter wrote:

Like I said there's different interpretations of "no money". And if an adult child's accepting money from a parent means their younger siblings can't go on a school trip or have to wear ripped clothing or they have to eat pasta 5 days in a row, that's wrong for the adult child to take. Or if the parent has to beg for tzedakah.
I don't think your interpretation of " no money" is the same as mine.
Steak, lol, what are you even talking about. Even if it was "only" 2x in your life that's a clear giveaway you are not from the same kind of background I'm talking about.

TravelHearter

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:38 am

When I say no money I didn’t mean ripped clothes. That may be what you’re talking about but I’m responding to the many posters on that thread. They weren’t talking about giving a chassan new undershirts at the expense of their kids having pasta for 5 nights in a row.

amother

Almond

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:40 am

TravelHearter wrote:

Yes, some alluded to this sort of thing even if they didn't get that detailed. Go back and reread and you will see.