Should kids be expected to apologize to parents

BrisketBoss

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 12:18 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

I think on parenting posts everyone should be required to say how old their oldest is. I see many idealistic parents I bet some of you who think you have this down pat only have very young kids. And modeling anything is never enough, it’s important to do because hypocrisy never leads to anything good. But you need to also be direct and teach children on top of modeling.

I don't know how you think it works but most of the people I follow in the parenting field do in fact have adult children. It's not about being perfect all the time or never tweaking what you do. It's about an underlying philosophy that you deeply believe in, and doinf conscious work. And yes, you keep learning as you go.

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:00 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

The ones on social media? I consider all of them influencers. While some say a good thing here or there, most are just there to make money. Do you only follow what other people say? Do you ever just do what you feel is right just because? The best parents I’ve seen over the years are the ones who can adapt to any situation and don’t follow specific experts and aren’t hung up on philosophies. Real kids don’t care what your expert told you, they need to be parented based on what they each need individually. For example some kids cannot learn only by modeling. So you will fail that kid majorly if you can’t adapt and instead stick to your philosophies.

amother

Papayawhip

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:06 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

Agree with this
I find many of the examples and mock convos given, simplistic bordering on the absurd.
I don’t want to out anyone but I will say this. A huge voice in gentle parenting has all of two middle school age daughters. She bases a lot of her philosophy on her own parenting experience. Took me a while to understand that she really doesn’t know what it’s like to parent in different situations.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:22 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

Social media? Technically they're on social media, but so are all the professionals. This is their job. They do consultations and write books. The ones I follow aren't just making tiktoks, no, and I do respectful parenting not gentle parenting, which seems more nebulous--and the gentle parenting group that I am in posts lots of content that I actually disagree with but I can't comment without getting my comment removed.

OBVIOUSLY children are different from each other, OBVIOUSLY you have to use your own words and not an expert's phrasing, OBVIOUSLY it's ok not to say 'the right thing all the time,' etc. etc. and any proper expert will tell you that if you ask them directly. I feel like it's more a flaw in people's reading comprehension and the way they process things, than in the actual concept of taking in parenting advice. Maybe before you take parenting classes (or read parenting books, etc.), you should start with a masterclass on HOW to take parenting classes? What do you think?

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:47 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I’m not a fan of parenting classes. I have yet to find any that don’t hyper focus on one specific point. I think respectful parenting is a massive fail and kids will be in therapy as adults because of it. It sounds wonderful but every person I know that is following it, is having major issues with their tweens/ teens. Something somewhere is gong very wrong and parents aren’t parenting. There is a huge middle ground between old school parenting and modern day parenting. I’m disappointed that it went from one extreme to the other. My goal is a good balance and a safe, happy home for my children.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:50 pm

amother Lightcyan wrote:

That's interesting because I'm seeing a lot of positive stories from veteran respectful parents with teens. The ones who offered even more trust as their children grew, instead of panicking and starting to try to control them as the stakes grew higher and more possibilities opened to their kids.

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:55 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I think that’s the key word here, stories. I’m talking about observing actual people. Not asking them how they think it’s going. I’m seeing angry kids, chaotic homes, stressed parents, and unhappiness all around.

creditcards

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 2:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

?

If a child is rude, disrespectful or downright nasty to a parent, should he be expected to apologize?

(No, I'm not talking about a child who's frustrated with rigid or abusive parents, just a child who takes his bad mood out on normal loving parents who try to listen and be there for him.)

Dh and I agree that if he's nasty like this to a sibling he definitely should be expected to apologize, both for the sake of the hurt sibling and to help him recognize what he did wrong and that he needs to try to 'fix' it.

One of us feels that it's even more important to encourage him to apologize to a parent while the other feels that it's too much to expect and would simply cause him to get angry at or create distance from the parent.

Assuming the parents model this behavior and apologize to him when they need to, is this reasonable or helpful to expect from kids?

Will this just breed resentment or help him?

Any sources would be appreciated.

My policy is that I never force apologies. Not to parents, friends, siblings. Forced apologies are fake. They don't do anything. It doesn't teach the kid to really feel sorry for what they did. I encourage apologies. I tell them look brother is so sad. You were in a bad mood before so you said... by mistake, you see he is crying. Maybe you should apologize. Can you try to make him happy? I try to make them feel sorry for what they did and ask them if they think they can apologize. Sometimes I convince them to write a note if it's too hard. Sometimes I ask them if I should apologize for them because they are too shy. I just try to teach them that the right thing is to apologize and when they do I tell them that I'm very proud/happy/impressed that they did the right thing.

amother

Gold

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 2:05 pm

I remember once hearing from a chashuve rebbetzin this parenting tip and I love it! I also apply it here:

When we do mitzvos, we need to talk about them while we do it. V'dibarta bam. See, I'm making this supper for Chai Lifeline because there's a family who has a sick family member, and I'm doing a chessed to help them. Or, I'm polishing the silver l'kovid shabbos that the table should look nice for Shabbos.

When I apologize to my kids might not be the best time to tell them, but when I expect an apology from them, I would sure mention it. "I apologize when someone lets me know that I hurt them, it's basic mentchlichkeit to do so. When you hurt someone, you also need to apologize."

behappy2

Fri, Sep 30 2022, 2:17 pm

I think teaching children to apologize is a complex prices involving modeling, teaching empathy and asking them to own up to things.

I'm a big fan of telling my kids how their behavior made me feel.

It made me angry, sad, hurt etc...as a tool for teaching empathy.

When my kid asks me to apologize I am y him if he can see his part in it too.