If I dont want to name my child after my father?

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:07 am

He was a nice guy, just had a hard life. He also had three long names that I really dislike. Am I being cruel by not giving his name? He passed away 2 yrs ago...

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:37 am

People and my family will think I'm nuts. It will be the first baby after him and I'm the oldest daughter...

amother

Bronze

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:45 am

Do you care more about what people think, or about giving your child a name that you, as the mother, actually want?
I'm pregnant with my second. I don't plan on naming after anyone, didn't name after anyone with my first. I've gotten plenty of comments, but people's expectations are not really my problem.

WhatFor

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:54 am

amother OP wrote:

People and my family will think I'm nuts. It will be the first baby after him and I'm the oldest daughter...

People are allowed to think whatever they want to think, if that makes them happy. But what they think doesn't have to become your problem or your burden. Please don't give your child a name because you felt emotionally blackmailed into it. You're their parent, your decisions can be based on what's right for them, not what would satisfy judgy relatives.

If anyone says anything, you can just say your ruach hakodesh told you that it wasn't right for your child. If they're not happy with that they can go argue with Hashem, not your problem.

LisaS

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:03 am

Personally I would choose the quality I loved the most about him and name for that quality. That way my child will always remind me of this beautiful midda. It will be meaningful to your family as well that you haven't forsaken your father, just chose a different way to commemorate him.

amother

SandyBrown

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:14 am

What about a name like Menachem or Avichai or Abba? Something that hints at it without using the actual name could still be a great source of comfort for the family.

Beshaa tova!

amother

Snowflake

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:25 am

amother OP wrote:

People and my family will think I'm nuts. It will be the first baby after him and I'm the oldest daughter...

Will your mother be hurt? That's the only thing I would take into account. I feel very strongly about giving family names, and it does bring something to the neshama, yet at the same time don't feel that you have to give a name you hate. If there's even one name you like, maybe you can combine it with another and call by the first.

amother

Banana

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 5:23 am

Not the same situation, but when we asked a rav about a name we were considering, one thing he really emphasized was the importance of the mother liking the name, saying it's not in the child's best interest to give a name that she doesn't like. I'm due soon and still turning over a certain name (my grandfathers) in my head and seeing how I feel about it as I imagine it being my child's name.
I like the idea of a poster above to name after a quality you liked. It's nice if you can do something relating to your father, but it has to work for you. It's your child and a name is forever (long after people will stop thinking and talking about it).

amother

Blonde

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 5:30 am

If you don’t name for your father would you be naming for a different family member? I would definitely try to honor your father with the name in a way that isn’t giving the direct name in your scenario (aka either for a quality like someone else said or changing a name like Yaakov to Yisrael) but not name for a different family member with less kadima.

essie14

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 5:40 am

I have several friends who did not name their children for parents. I never asked why, I really don't feel it's any of my business.
I believe the parents deserve to give whatever name they want.
If you want to pick a quality of your father's and use that as a name, that's nice.
Let the yentas yent as much as they want. They'll move on to the next topic of conversation shortly.

fbc

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 6:31 am

As another poster asked, do you like either one of your father's the names enough to give it as a second name? My grandmother had one name I wasn't too fond of, so I have it to my daughter as one of her names, but call her by the other name. My father is just really happy she carries his mother's name, doesn't mind at all that it's not the name we call her by. (I realize not everyone would feel the same)

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 6:41 am

My mother had 3 names. I gave her whole name (because I wanted to). My siblings, for the most part, gave the name she was called by with a name that indicates Nechama. So maybe take his main name and add Menachem or Nochum to it? Or Boruch? To be honest though, I only would not have named after my mother if it had been a boy. Even then, I probably would have given a name that indicated Nechama.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 6:55 am

I have made it very clear to my kids that when it comes to naming a baby it is solely their choice. they have to like the name. It doesn't have to be after a relative.

And if they don't get my MIL's silver tea set as a gift for being the first to name after her, then that's all right. (She has a very very unusual name). Anyone who's going to have a negative opinion about this is most likely too old to have their own kids, so they have no say in this matter.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 7:05 am

I was told by a highly respected Rav that it is a big zechus for the niftar and especially a parent, when a name is given after them.
It's not a random thing at all as some may mistakenly think.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:06 am

As someone who lost a parent in my 20s, and never had the opportunity to use the actual name- I used a “meaningful name “ for a different gender- I really think you are being short sited. Pick a name of the 3 that you like best and use it in some way. Or pick a name that reflects a trait. It’s your father- not a random relative. I think important to at least use the name in some way .

amother

Trillium

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:10 am

This is such a tough spot to be in
Being the oldest and first once to have a boy since his passing, I definitely think people (especially family) will expect you to name after

As mentioned above by many posters maybe you can name 1 name like maybe the one he went by, and add a name you like or a name like menachem, chaim, yosef, meir, nechemia....

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:12 am

amother cornflower wrote:

I was told by a highly respected Rav that it is a big zechus for the niftar and especially a parent, when a name is given after them.
It's not a random thing at all as some may mistakenly think.

I heard this as well. In my chasidush circles it’s a very big deal.
I lost my father and a few months later my daughter gave his name but calls him by the name that he wasn’t called and that’s her choice! But I will tell you that my mom initially was upset and insulted but I would never say anything.

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:19 am

Please discuss with a rav so you can come out with a good resolution. I would probably choose one name? Maybe add a name.