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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
If I dont want to name my child after my father?
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:23 am
Of course name after your father.

It is a zechus for his Neshama.
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amother
Hyacinth


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:38 am
When you are old and gray, and super wise-will you regret not naming after him?
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:50 am
I named after my father. I didn’t like the name and my father wasn’t such a nice person but I had the first boy and I knew I had to. My mother was so emotional and crying at the bris it was all worth it. And now my son is so cute and we call him by a nickname and the name fits him and now he has 3 cousins with the same name.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:54 am
amother Hyacinth wrote:
When you are old and gray, and super wise-will you regret not naming after him?

And the styles of nice and ugly names (which influence what names we like) have shifted 100 times...
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amother
Oleander


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:59 am
amother Ruby wrote:
I have made it very clear to my kids that when it comes to naming a baby it is solely their choice. they have to like the name. It doesn't have to be after a relative.

And if they don't get my MIL's silver tea set as a gift for being the first to name after her, then that's all right. (She has a very very unusual name). Anyone who's going to have a negative opinion about this is most likely too old to have their own kids, so they have no say in this matter.


Not true. I’m young and feel strongly about naming after a parent
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:14 am
amother Oleander wrote:
[/b]

Not true. I’m young and feel strongly about naming after a parent


Thank you Oleander, Snowflake, FBC, Cornflower, Hydrangea, Hyacinth, Fuchsia, Lime, Slateblue, Tealblue, Trillium, Impatiens,

For defending Kibbud Av v'Eim against the secular
Culture invading our community.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:15 am
I know its a special thing to name after a father. My mother will feel honored, although she will understand if I chose not to. My brothers will be mortified, especially since I didnt name after my grandfather previously.

I really dont like any of the 3 names. Really, really not. It would really bother me to give a name I dont want. I also heard that breaking up a name is not right. I thought of Abba or something like that. I know some will roll their eyes, esp in my chassidish circles.
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:30 am
Just commenting on one of the reasons you dont want to name after him because he was a good person who had a hard life. Doesn’t everyone have a hard life? I am blessed in so many ways but I know that there are outsiders who would say that I “have a hard life.” It seems like it would add insult to injury for no one to name after me now because I’ve faced some challenges.

As far as hating the names… that’s a tough one.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:33 am
amother OP wrote:
I know its a special thing to name after a father. My mother will feel honored, although she will understand if I chose not to. My brothers will be mortified, especially since I didnt name after my grandfather previously.

I really dont like any of the 3 names. Really, really not. It would really bother me to give a name I dont want. I also heard that breaking up a name is not right. I thought of Abba or something like that. I know some will roll their eyes, esp in my chassidish circles.


Kibbud Av V'Em isn't done on a whim or if you just happen to like it.
If all 3 names were unusual or strange sounding, then I could at least understand your hesitancy.
In the frum and heimishe world, it is considered disrespectful not to name after a parent. Especially since its a big zechus to do so for the Neshoma.
In the secular culture it's all about "What I like comes first " and parents and grandparents names sadly become obliterated for ever.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:45 am
What about Menachem, Nachum, Tanchum, Nechemya, Nachman.
Would you feel comfortable adding a name to one of his names and calling him by the added name. (Chaim, Baruch, Yosef).

Ultimately, I would sit down with my husband and Rav and think what I want and need.
I'm hearing a lot of concern for your mother, your brothers, your community.
Think about yourself.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:48 am
amother OP wrote:
I know its a special thing to name after a father. My mother will feel honored, although she will understand if I chose not to. My brothers will be mortified, especially since I didnt name after my grandfather previously.

I really dont like any of the 3 names. Really, really not. It would really bother me to give a name I dont want. I also heard that breaking up a name is not right. I thought of Abba or something like that. I know some will roll their eyes, esp in my chassidish circles.

Let's put aside everyone else's reactions for a moment.
1. Naming for someone with a hard life. Many Jewish figures who name after had hard lives. We do add a name for someone who had a Misa meshuna or died young with no children. When I read to tehilim, I see how hard Dovid hamelech had it and we have the name Dovid in circulation after all these years.
2. When I've named after someone who'se passed away, it's brought their memory closer to me. It's as if I have a little inheritence from them in my house. This is especially true as the kids get older and they ask me who they are named for and I share my memories. I feel like that person is with me at those times. Of course, if I think they were a bad person, I would have a very hard time naming for them.
More to one later..
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amother
Tuberose


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:49 am
amother cornflower wrote:
Kibbud Av V'Em isn't done on a whim or if you just happen to like it.
If all 3 names were unusual or strange sounding, then I could at least understand your hesitancy.
In the frum and heimishe world, it is considered disrespectful not to name after a parent. Especially since its a big zechus to do so for the Neshoma.
In the secular culture it's all about "What I like comes first " and parents and grandparents names sadly become obliterated for ever.


And in our world, it's become 'let me find a way to connect my wishes to something in the Torah', so that I get my way.

The parents are the ones naming the child. That's what all original sources around this come back to. The Torah itself doesn't demonstrate naming after parents. Each child was named in a different fashion, depending on the circumstances at that time. Nowhere is there a source for grandparents naming the grandchildren.

So connecting this to Kibud Av is just manipulation. If the child wants to name after their own relatives, that's beautiful. But if a child does not want to, then applying this misguided pressure is just wrong. It's not the grandparents place to decide who gets honored with their names being passed on. Its up to the parent to decide who and if they want to honor anyone. If they'd have a close connection to a person and/or admire that person, there is a strong likelihood they'd go in that direction. If they had little to do with the person, or were turned off by his/her behaviors, why must they honor someone like that? Legacies shouldn't be an automatic thing. A person needs to create a legacy that people admire and look up to, if they want to have legacies created for them.
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amother
Tuberose


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:53 am
amother Lime wrote:
Let's put aside everyone else's reactions for a moment.
1. Naming for someone with a hard life. Many Jewish figures who name after had hard lives. We do add a name for someone who had a Misa meshuna or died young with no children. When I read to tehilim, I see how hard Dovid hamelech had it and we have the name Dovid in circulation after all these years.
2. When I've named after someone who'se passed away, it's brought their memory closer to me. It's as if I have a little inheritence from them in my house. This is especially true as the kids get older and they ask me who they are named for and I share my memories. I feel like that person is with me at those times. Of course, if I think they were a bad person, I would have a very hard time naming for them.
More to one later..


There are many thoughts processes that can go around naming children. None are wrong or right, as long as it's the parents having those thoughts. Anyone other than the parents should be hands off on naming children. We need to stop making this a 'thing'. The ones who deal with the 9 months pregnancy - husband and wife - are the ones who name the child. No one outside of those two should be applying any pressure or expectation of some sort.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:06 am
Giving Menachem, Nochum, or some other similar meaning may be nice reasoning. It still is NOT my fathers name. And that's the tough spot I am in.

I will ask a rav but Im pretty sure the one I want to ask, will push me into giving the name.

My father had an especially hard life. Crazy controlling mother, was older when he got married, and then not well, had some limbs amputated. My mother used to yell at him a lot and put him down too. The point is that as affected he was (mentally, a bit) I love him, yet really feel no meaning to his names. His names were also chosen by my controlling grandmother, that decided to add a strange name to all of us siblings, which we hate.

I already told my husband and kids I dont want anyone giving after me my second name that my grandmother decided to add. ( she got involved by every grandchild)

Now I have to honor the three strange names she chose.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:15 am
amother Tuberose wrote:
And in our world, it's become 'let me find a way to connect my wishes to something in the Torah', so that I get my way.

The parents are the ones naming the child. That's what all original sources around this come back to. The Torah itself doesn't demonstrate naming after parents. Each child was named in a different fashion, depending on the circumstances at that time. Nowhere is there a source for grandparents naming the grandchildren.

So connecting this to Kibud Av is just manipulation. If the child wants to name after their own relatives, that's beautiful. But if a child does not want to, then applying this misguided pressure is just wrong. It's not the grandparents place to decide who gets honored with their names being passed on. Its up to the parent to decide who and if they want to honor anyone. If they'd have a close connection to a person and/or admire that person, there is a strong likelihood they'd go in that direction. If they had little to do with the person, or were turned off by his/her behaviors, why must they honor someone like that? Legacies shouldn't be an automatic thing. A person needs to create a legacy that people admire and look up to, if they want to have legacies created for them.

👏 👏
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amother
Apple


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:18 am
amother OP wrote:
Giving Menachem, Nochum, or some other similar meaning may be nice reasoning. It still is NOT my fathers name. And that's the tough spot I am in.

I will ask a rav but Im pretty sure the one I want to ask, will push me into giving the name.

My father had an especially hard life. Crazy controlling mother, was older when he got married, and then not well, had some limbs amputated. My mother used to yell at him a lot and put him down too. The point is that as affected he was (mentally, a bit) I love him, yet really feel no meaning to his names. His names were also chosen by my controlling grandmother, that decided to add a strange name to all of us siblings, which we hate.

I already told my husband and kids I dont want anyone giving after me my second name that my grandmother decided to add. ( she got involved by every grandchild)

Now I have to honor the three strange names she chose.


Honestly the more you write about him the more I think you’re arguing against your point. (Btw I got married it my 30s but would not consider that a factor in having a hard life or not) but since you consider him to have had a hard life (though of course did everyone we name for the in the Torah. Life is what happens to you, their personality traits and quantities are what make them special and nameworthy) all the more so his neshama deserves the comfort and honor. I personally think not naming for a parent is an egregious mistake. You can add a name (Hebrew for Yiddish or vice versa) or call him by some nickname or acronym or initial. But I think it’s a huge lack of respect not to name for a parent.

Not chasidsh fwiw.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:19 am
Dont do it.
You dont like any of the 3 names.
Choose a name you do like. Youre the one pregnant for 9 months.

People feel the need to guilt you into it bc of kibud av veeim. Its wrong to do that.
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:25 am
amother OP wrote:
I know its a special thing to name after a father. My mother will feel honored, although she will understand if I chose not to. My brothers will be mortified, especially since I didnt name after my grandfather previously.

I really dont like any of the 3 names. Really, really not. It would really bother me to give a name I dont want. I also heard that breaking up a name is not right. I thought of Abba or something like that. I know some will roll their eyes, esp in my chassidish circles.


Naming after your father and your grandfather are different.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:26 am
amother Apple wrote:
Honestly the more you write about him the more I think you’re arguing against your point. (Btw I got married it my 30s but would not consider that a factor in having a hard life or not) but since you consider him to have had a hard life (though of course did everyone we name for the in the Torah. Life is what happens to you, their personality traits and quantities are what make them special and nameworthy) all the more so his neshama deserves the comfort and honor. I personally think not naming for a parent is an egregious mistake. You can add a name (Hebrew for Yiddish or vice versa) or call him by some nickname or acronym or initial. But I think it’s a huge lack of respect not to name for a parent.

Not chasidsh fwiw.


If your not chassidish, you def wont understand. In the chassidish world he was left single into his 30s, when his friends were all long married. He lived with his psycho controlling mother, never mind in poverty. Having your legs and fingers amputated is quite traumatic, IMO. May you never know.

The point is not about how hard you found his life to be, just the feelings I have about his name. I only mentioned it, bc some say it has do when naming after someone who died young or had a difficult life.
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:32 am
amother OP wrote:
If your not chassidish, you def wont understand. In the chassidish world he was left single into his 30s, when his friends were all long married. He lived with his psycho controlling mother, never mind in poverty. Having your legs and fingers amputated is quite traumatic, IMO. May you never know.

The point is not about how hard you found his life to be, just the feelings I have about his name. I only mentioned it, bc some say it has do when naming after someone who died young or had a difficult life.


I’m chassidish. We only name after relatives. My husband would rather go 5 generations back than pick a random name. Sadly, I have much closer relatives to name after than him. My father passed away young. We called the Rebbe of our chassidus when my son was born who gave us specific instructions regarding his name when it was time for his bris. We felt good because we knew we had consulted with him regarding something that made us both uncomfortable. Regarding my mother, we got completely different instructions.
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