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-> Pregnancy & Childbirth
-> Baby Names
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amother
Linen
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 Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:46 am
As someone who lost my father young and was zoche to name my son after him, I find this thread to be so sad. I was so proud to name my son after my father who I loved. I feel connected to my father every time I call my son by his full name, which is long so we usually use a nickname. My son is an adult now and I'm touched every year when he makes a siyum on my father's yahrzeit. I recognize some of my father's best qualities in him.
I agree that the only opinion that matters here is your own. But I can't imagine not naming your child after your father who you loved. I also think you need to take your complicated feelings about your grandmother out of the equation. The fact that she chose those names for him should be irrelevant. Ultimately Hashem is the one who gave him those names.
I think you need to speak to a wise rav who can help you figure out all of your feelings about this. And my own choice would be to choose the best of his names and either call him by a nickname or add a different name and use that one, but at least your father's name will always be a part of your son.
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amother
Dandelion
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 10:48 am
I did not read all the responses, so, sorry if I’m repeating.
I’d wait till the baby is born. Hashem will give you the right thought.
My personal experience tells me that honoring my father will give me the best feeling. My father passed away recently and it’s a Nechama for you to give a name. It creates a living continuity, reminder, and connection.
I had a son and did not know what to name him as I thought my very close relatives name doesn’t work. And then it grew on me. And it’s now 17 years later and I’m so happy.
Names can easily be modified in the nickname process.
Bshaah Tovah!
And if you already gave birth, Mazel tov!
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amother
OP
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:04 am
| amother Lightgray wrote: | | I’m chassidish. We only name after relatives. My husband would rather go 5 generations back than pick a random name. Sadly, I have much closer relatives to name after than him. My father passed away young. We called the Rebbe of our chassidus when my son was born who gave us specific instructions regarding his name when it was time for his bris. We felt good because we knew we had consulted with him regarding something that made us both uncomfortable. Regarding my mother, we got completely different instructions. |
Did you end up naming after your father?
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amother
Lime
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:07 am
| amother OP wrote: | Giving Menachem, Nochum, or some other similar meaning may be nice reasoning. It still is NOT my fathers name. And that's the tough spot I am in.
I will ask a rav but Im pretty sure the one I want to ask, will push me into giving the name.
My father had an especially hard life. Crazy controlling mother, was older when he got married, and then not well, had some limbs amputated. My mother used to yell at him a lot and put him down too. The point is that as affected he was (mentally, a bit) I love him, yet really feel no meaning to his names. His names were also chosen by my controlling grandmother, that decided to add a strange name to all of us siblings, which we hate.
I already told my husband and kids I dont want anyone giving after me my second name that my grandmother decided to add. ( she got involved by every grandchild)
Now I have to honor the three strange names she chose. |
Please don't give up on having a special Zecher and nechoma for your father whom you loved because your grandmother was controlling.
It sounds like she made everyone crazy enough, she doesn't need to take this away from you.
In addition to a name being a parents choice, it's also a reflection of that person's neshama.
Adam named all the animals in loshon hakodesh on the first day, since he was able to see their essence.
A person is called up to the Torah with their Hebrew name. We Daven for them to have a refuah with their Hebrew name.
My point being, your grandmother's controlling ways is a really small aspect of your father's name. The main aspect of your father's name was your father.
Please disregard if my question is inappropriate, but what was your relationship with your father? Do you sometimes have moments where you remember something nice you got from him such as a skill or warm memory? Do you ever think back and say thank G-d he was in my life?
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amother
Lime
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:13 am
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amother
Carnation
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:14 am
What a tough decision.
Excuse me for possibly over analyzing but it seems like maybe you are extra resistant to giving the name because you feel like you have to.
Is that true?
What would you truly like to do- if there were no other relatives’ or societal opinions to consider?
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amother
OP
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:27 am
| amother Carnation wrote: | What a tough decision.
Excuse me for possibly over analyzing but it seems like maybe you are extra resistant to giving the name because you feel like you have to.
Is that true?
What would you truly like to do- if there were no other relatives’ or societal opinions to consider? |
100%. If there was noone to answer to, I would definitely not give. I know in my heart my father would be happy if I gave any name, as he was when he was alive. Whatever name we chose, he lovingly called the kid by that name.
I have a pressure how others will react, as many posters here mentioned it is an honor to give, despite hating the name.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:29 am
| amother Lime wrote: | Please don't give up on having a special Zecher and nechoma for your father whom you loved because your grandmother was controlling.
It sounds like she made everyone crazy enough, she doesn't need to take this away from you.
In addition to a name being a parents choice, it's also a reflection of that person's neshama.
Adam named all the animals in loshon hakodesh on the first day, since he was able to see their essence.
A person is called up to the Torah with their Hebrew name. We Daven for them to have a refuah with their Hebrew name.
My point being, your grandmother's controlling ways is a really small aspect of your father's name. The main aspect of your father's name was your father.
Please disregard if my question is inappropriate, but what was your relationship with your father? Do you sometimes have moments where you remember something nice you got from him such as a skill or warm memory? Do you ever think back and say thank G-d he was in my life? |
No question I love him and was so grateful he was in my life. I feel its more of an honor to my grandmother by giving the name she choose. My father himself didnt care for these things.
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nachasmom
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:34 am
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In all likelihood you will regret not naming after your father. There is no bigger kavod than having your father's name perpetuated.
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Angel
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:51 am
Op, I understand your concerns. There is deff an option of breaking up a name, it's still considered naming after. And then add a name of comfort one of your choice.
Op, if I understand correctly, you are chassidish, in chassidish circles it's the most common to discuss such a question with a Rebbe, please do so!
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amother
Razzmatazz
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 12:08 pm
Specifically when it comes to a parent, there is kibud av involved.
Not to mention your relationship with your father, which will live on in your child.
I think you should find a way to at least incorporate one of your father's names in naming your son.
At least you have three to choose from - can you make that work for you somehow?
And add a name, or use a nickname you love -- the kind that can last a lifetime, not just for a young child.
Hatzlacha!
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amother
Antiquewhite
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 12:36 pm
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If your only hesitation is his hard life change one name to make it meaningful to you, either a name connoting good mazel, a inspirational tanach or rabbi, or a name you love and give it with one or two of your fathers names. I see that as win win all around.
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amother
DarkCyan
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 12:47 pm
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It is not your obligation to name after your father. Nope, this is not included in Kibbud Av V’em. That said, I think it would be sad for you if you didn’t name after your father at all. But if you disagree, I think a name like Abba or Menachem would be very nice.
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Librarian
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:16 pm
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IMHO it is an act of kibbud av to name after your father.
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amother
Coffee
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:19 pm
| Librarian wrote: | | IMHO it is an act of kibbud av to name after your father. |
Yes but not a chiyuv of Kibud Av.
I like the idea of naming him Abba.
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amother
Lightgray
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:45 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Did you end up naming after your father? |
Yes. I waited a long time to be able to name after him. We gave his two names and we added Chaim per our Rebbe’s instructions.
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amother
Melon
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:09 pm
| amother Fuchsia wrote: | | I named after my father. I didn’t like the name and my father wasn’t such a nice person but I had the first boy and I knew I had to. My mother was so emotional and crying at the bris it was all worth it. And now my son is so cute and we call him by a nickname and the name fits him and now he has 3 cousins with the same name. |
Same nickname too? Not super confusing!
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amother
OP
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:26 pm
| nachasmom wrote: | | In all likelihood you will regret not naming after your father. There is no bigger kavod than having your father's name perpetuated. |
I wonder, bc I am afraid I will regret giving a name I didn't want to, but felt obligated to. I have a friend that feels this way with one child. She gave a name bc of pressure and is still upset by it. A name stays forever. And here its 3 names. My father is in my mind and in my prayers.
I have another child named after my mother in law. I honestly dont think of her when I use her name.
I agree though it is a kavod, so I am very conflicted.
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amother
Apple
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:37 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I wonder, bc I am afraid I will regret giving a name I didn't want to, but felt obligated to. I have a friend that feels this way with one child. She gave a name bc of pressure and is still upset by it. A name stays forever. And here its 3 names. My father is in my mind and in my prayers.
I have another child named after my mother in law. I honestly dont think of her when I use her name.
I agree though it is a kavod, so I am very conflicted. |
My MIL passed 2 years ago. Id give anything to have a baby to name after her. I do NOT like her name AT ALL. I’d add a name. But it kills me that we can’t honor her in this way. I’m
Pretty old and pretty infertile so it’s doubtful I’ll get the chance. It kills me. She gave the greatest gift: my husband. I provably am a lot Older than you so I may see it from that perspective too. But every month I mourn that opportunity
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amother
DarkMagenta
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Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:44 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | He was a nice guy, just had a hard life. He also had three long names that I really dislike. Am I being cruel by not giving his name? He passed away 2 yrs ago... |
Yes it’s not really nice not to name after him. Try to find one of his names that you’re okay with, that has a nice meaning. I was told to just not call my child by the exact name that my relative was called by when naming after someone who had a hard life.
It will be a zchus for his neshama.
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