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Since we're not buying a new house, what do you think about
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:16 am
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
Your daughter needs to take what is available or stay in a shared room. That's all. A home isn't a hotel where you may choose and pick the suite or a specific room.
I don't think you are doing her any favours by turning yourself into a pretzel.


It seams like it's more for the entire family's sanity than to satisfy her desires. This girl has needs/ behaviors that are negatively effecting her roomies. ( op pardon me if I'm wrong)
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:19 am
amother Birch wrote:
Because when you're dealing with a kid with anxiety, you sometimes have to make concessions like this till the anxiety is under control

A home is not a hotel.
Choose guest room or stay shared.
It's called growing up.
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amother
Zinnia


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:19 am
amother Hyssop wrote:
Your daughter being non NT is a big piece of the puzzle. Some of these kids absolutely need their privacy and the rest of the family may need their space from this child as well. If you don't have a non NT child of this age, please don't comment here. It's a very different scenario.

I don't know what to tell you OP. Just to wish you a lot of koach, patience and love.

I have a non NT kid, more than one actually. I do what I can to accommodate and give them what they need, but we don’t have endless amounts of money. Sometimes they just need to take from the options available or not change anything. Being not NT doesn’t automatically mean they can or should get every single thing. Moving around is not going to work for OP. Other options will be very costly. If OP wants to offer the costly options that’s fine but she doesn’t NEED to.
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amother
DarkYellow


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:31 am
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
A home is not a hotel.
Choose guest room or stay shared.
It's called growing up.


It isn't always this simple.

I get it - I grew up ina three bedroom apartment, and we slept on the couch or in my parents room if we had guests.

But I have a brother with HFA and he has a LOT of issues. The best thing my parents ever did was convert the machsan into a small private bedroom for him.
It created such a peace for the whole family. When someone is not NT ou cant expect the same things that you can expect from other kids.

Interestingly my grandfather who is also likely HFA said that he thinks a big part of his estrangement from his parents and sibling's came from the lack of understanding that he was different and experiencing things and had different needs.

He grew up , and is a highly successful adult and he grew the sensory issues but the attitude of "suck it up" of the 40's and 50's really damaged his relationships.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 11:45 am
amother DarkYellow wrote:
It isn't always this simple.

I get it - I grew up ina three bedroom apartment, and we slept on the couch or in my parents room if we had guests.

But I have a brother with HFA and he has a LOT of issues. The best thing my parents ever did was convert the machsan into a small private bedroom for him.
It created such a peace for the whole family. When someone is not NT ou cant expect the same things that you can expect from other kids.

Interestingly my grandfather who is also likely HFA said that he thinks a big part of his estrangement from his parents and sibling's came from the lack of understanding that he was different and experiencing things and had different needs.

He grew up , and is a highly successful adult and he grew the sensory issues but the attitude of "suck it up" of the 40's and 50's really damaged his relationships.

I heard you.
There is a room available already.
Now how about people who don't have money for major contractions and changes?
And what's if you turn everything around everyone's sleeping arrangements and DD still not happy? Then what?
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 12:25 pm
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
I heard you.
There is a room available already.
Now how about people who don't have money for major contractions and changes?
And what's if you turn everything around everyone's sleeping arrangements and DD still not happy? Then what?


Op wants to figure something out & is willing to pay at least something for it. She wants a change. She has plenty space to work with. I totally get her. This is not at all about giving into & spoiling kids. This is about understanding "all" your childrens' needs.
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amother
Bellflower


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 12:44 pm
amother Zinnia wrote:
I have a non NT kid, more than one actually. I do what I can to accommodate and give them what they need, but we don’t have endless amounts of money. Sometimes they just need to take from the options available or not change anything. Being not NT doesn’t automatically mean they can or should get every single thing. Moving around is not going to work for OP. Other options will be very costly. If OP wants to offer the costly options that’s fine but she doesn’t NEED to.


Exactly. Non NT doesnt mean they get everything they want. I have a non NT kid but I cant give them everything. My other kids would flip and act out or be very jealous/frustrated. Or they can act up "to get what they want" - they may not realize why Esti (name changed) always gets what they want. They just see the fuss she makes and boom, gets choice of room, favorite snacks etc. I also think it is part of my job as a parent of a non NT kid to help them acclimate to the world where things wont always go their way. I dont purposely make things hard for them- of course not! But do I need to twist my entire family in knots, pay money I dont have etc to give them everything exactly ideal? It wont do them any favors honestly in the long run.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 1:33 pm
amother Bellflower wrote:
Exactly. Non NT doesnt mean they get everything they want. I have a non NT kid but I cant give them everything. My other kids would flip and act out or be very jealous/frustrated. Or they can act up "to get what they want" - they may not realize why Esti (name changed) always gets what they want. They just see the fuss she makes and boom, gets choice of room, favorite snacks etc. I also think it is part of my job as a parent of a non NT kid to help them acclimate to the world where things wont always go their way. I dont purposely make things hard for them- of course not! But do I need to twist my entire family in knots, pay money I dont have etc to give them everything exactly ideal? It wont do them any favors honestly in the long run.


How about the 6 year old who can't get a proper night's sleep & gets frightened from big sister's outbursts? It's not just about said child. We must consider the effect it has on the siblings. Op has options, she's just trying to figure out the best ones
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amother
Zinnia


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:38 pm
amother Ecru wrote:
How about the 6 year old who can't get a proper night's sleep & gets frightened from big sister's outbursts? It's not just about said child. We must consider the effect it has on the siblings. Op has options, she's just trying to figure out the best ones

You’re right, and no one is minimizing that. However, EVERY child needs to be taken into consideration, and moving around needs to work for everyone. Sharing is hard for both of my kids. But they have to do it because there’s no other option right now. If separating them and giving the 13 year old privacy is an option then that’s great, but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. NT or not, things can’t be at the expense of others.
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amother
Bergamot


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:56 pm
amother Zinnia wrote:
You’re right, and no one is minimizing that. However, EVERY child needs to be taken into consideration, and moving around needs to work for everyone. Sharing is hard for both of my kids. But they have to do it because there’s no other option right now. If separating them and giving the 13 year old privacy is an option then that’s great, but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. NT or not, things can’t be at the expense of others.


We had this. We said, "If it can't work, it can't. They'll deal and grow." 2 years later, the NT one now has anxiety and issues from the sleep deprivation, their relationship became horrible, and the non NT one's behavior got worse, partly because she felt trapped and partly because her sister now doesn't like her.
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amother
Feverfew


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:00 pm
How old is she? If she's a teen, I can see her maybe needing a real room of her own. If she's younger, can she just have a hang out space - even just part of the basement - that's her own hang out space? It doesn't have to be anything fancy, maybe just a desk, comfy chair and some odds and ends that are hers? Or sleep in her regular space but use the guest space for hanging out?

I don't know how many kids you have, but can you partition off part of the kids' bedroom, even just with curtains, so she gets a bit of space for herself? What about the nursery, at least for now?

In terms of the guest space becoming yours, that might work well if you don't mind giving up your bedroom to guests (which is what we do when we occasionally have guests). There's just no other place to put them by us Very Happy

If you had a smaller living space, like an apartment, what would you do to give her a space of her own? I realize that isn't the case here, but the thought exercise might give you some new ideas.

ETA = just saw you posted the ages in a later post. What about slightly expanding the nursery, and as part of that add soundproofing, so she can sleep there? Alternately, can you split the kids' room with a real wall, and separate entrances? It's the same space, so the rest of the house doesn't have to shift, but she still gets her privacy. This assumes, of course, that your six year old doesn't mind being alone. If he does, then maybe expand the nursery slightly, add soundproofing, and put the 3 and 6 year old in the nursery and the teen in the former kids' bedroom.
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amother
Bergamot


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:15 pm
OP, if your conflicts are anything like ours, dd needs sounds and lights that conflict with other dd's needs, is loud when they need quiet or the opposite. I asked about this on this site, and was told to do eye masks and ear plugs and partitions. My dd also was terrified to sleep in the basement. Nothing worked until we separated them. If it won't cause major resentment, I would put 6 year old dd in the nursery if older dd is ok with the 3 year old. Sometimes that works if the 3 year old is the sounder and more resilient sleeper. Often there is less conflict when one kid is seen as a baby.
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amother
Bellflower


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:29 pm
amother Ecru wrote:
How about the 6 year old who can't get a proper night's sleep & gets frightened from big sister's outbursts? It's not just about said child. We must consider the effect it has on the siblings. Op has options, she's just trying to figure out the best ones


Again, as long as everyone's needs are looked at. In so many families with non NT kids only the non NTs needs are fully taken care of. Everyone else twists into pretzels to make it work. Then they wonder why their NT kids are acting up, having symptoms/issues.

Talking as someone who has been in both situations. I have a non NT sibling and have a non NT kid. Neither is genetic and totally different issues. My NT siblings and I would act out to get "something" because the non NT kid got everything. Better room, slept by themselves etc I even did lose my room to this sibling!! Ok, they had to do it that way but wasnt easy or fair and we felt it. I got the worst as the closest in age so every time that kid got, I lost out. Hard to explain but even my parents admitted it.

OP has options but the non NT kid wont accept it even though it would work for everyone else. The solution has to work out for everyone. What if you lost your room and safe space for the same sibling who also gets extra attention, extra loud praise... ?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:33 pm
amother DarkYellow wrote:
A couple of ideas;

Idea #1:
Put the 6 year old and 3 year old in the nursery.
You can build a small bunk bed because they don't need full size yet. Chances are that when they outgrow that space DD will be willing to move into guest room/ you can redo basement as a guest room and give her your own room.

If you have a new baby keep in you room for a year, then move into the boys room. Again assuming you aren't pregnant know this gives you 2 years and chances are that by then she would move happily - there is a HUGE difference between 13 and 15.

Idea #2:
Create a private space within her room. Search the internet for ideas.
I once saw an idea where the bed was framed in like a closet around one of the windows. This way there was still airflow, but the child had privacy and could close and lock the doors

Idea #3:
Reconfigure rooms. Sounds like you have a boys room, girls room and a nursery. Can you switch with one of the kids without splitting the master?
I think splitting the master is not a great idea home value whise, buit you can always take the wall down before you put it on the market. The bigger issue IMHO is sleeping on a different floor then your kids, especially if they are small babies....

I would keep my babies with me forever if the nursery was on another floor for feedings.

Idea #4: Sound proof the nursery and buy her a loft bed so she has closet space in her room.

The best way is if you add anotyher drywall wall in the master and fill it with high quality insulation/soundproofing material. And make sure the door is not a hollow door.


Wow, thank you for your thought out response! This was really helpful. I wish we could split her room btw but there is just one double window smack in the middle.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:43 pm
amother Ecru wrote:
How about the 6 year old who can't get a proper night's sleep & gets frightened from big sister's outbursts? It's not just about said child. We must consider the effect it has on the siblings. Op has options, she's just trying to figure out the best ones


Are you in my house??? THIS. It's not that she is begging and I'm spoiling her, it's that I am making it safe (physically and emotionally) for her and her siblings. I'm trying. (She didn't ask me for her own room, I realized it may have to happen and asked her for ideas).

The nursery is tiny. I would need to build a bed to fit in and then there would be 2 feet until the wall so room for a night table. I almost turned it into a closet for myself it's that small. Moving the little girls there may be an idea though.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:45 pm
amother Bergamot wrote:
OP, if your conflicts are anything like ours, dd needs sounds and lights that conflict with other dd's needs, is loud when they need quiet or the opposite. I asked about this on this site, and was told to do eye masks and ear plugs and partitions. My dd also was terrified to sleep in the basement. Nothing worked until we separated them. If it won't cause major resentment, I would put 6 year old dd in the nursery if older dd is ok with the 3 year old. Sometimes that works if the 3 year old is the sounder and more resilient sleeper. Often there is less conflict when one kid is seen as a baby.


Oh maybe moving the 6 year old to the nursery! That's an idea. I think she may be ok with the 3 yr old.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:50 pm
amother OP wrote:
Are you in my house??? THIS. It's not that she is begging and I'm spoiling her, it's that I am making it safe (physically and emotionally) for her and her siblings. I'm trying. (She didn't ask me for her own room, I realized it may have to happen and asked her for ideas).

The nursery is tiny. I would need to build a bed to fit in and then there would be 2 feet until the wall so room for a night table. I almost turned it into a closet for myself it's that small. Moving the little girls there may be an idea though.


You can get 30 inch wide bed & mattress on Amazon for the 6 year old ($200 total) & toddler bed for 3 year old, is that doable?
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amother
Bergamot


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:16 pm
amother OP wrote:
Oh maybe moving the 6 year old to the nursery! That's an idea. I think she may be ok with the 3 yr old.


I hope it works! It's amazing how difficulties arise as one child grows up and comes into her own. On the bright side, it works the other way too- one of my non NT kids improved certain things, including sleep, greatly with puberty. The hormones actually helped. It was a very pleasant surprise.

My dd also didn't want to move rooms, and eventually we had no choice. Life feels like a game of Rush Hour so often. May you have a year of revealed blessings and solutions to puzzles.
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:54 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This daughter is not NT. She is medicated and in regular therapies. It IS better for her to have her own room for her and for her siblings. Just wondering if this makes sense or how to make it work. If it can.


For her anxiety can you offer her a baby monitor? You can hear her she can call up, but she can’t hear you? Would that help her feel safer downstairs?

Also, before you start building walls and moving things around, try the guest room yourself for 2 weeks to see how you like the arrangement, then you can do work to change the master if it’s working out for you.
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amother
Black


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 5:09 pm
Soundproof the nursery, build a door to the hall and have your 6 year old in a loft bed and the 3 year old in a toddler bed underneath the loft bed maybe
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