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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
If I dont want to name my child after my father?
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amother
DarkMagenta


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 4:46 pm
amother Bronze wrote:
No. He's dead, dead people don't feel honor.


So wrong.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 5:58 pm
A few of my siblings refused to give a name after our grandfather (we are talking here about my mother's father) claiming he had a very hard life (was a war refugee on the kinder transport, struggled to make ends meet plus was niftar young from C.)
They were convinced if they name after him their children would share the same Mazel he had.
So instead they named after different Rebbes.
Freaky but true, all their sons have issues, some worse than others.
You cannot escape your destiny and naming after a parent or grandparent is not going to cause a copy paste effect on your kids life.
People should be aware, not to run away with feelings or thoughts of superstition
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amother
Gold


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 6:03 pm
amother Bronze wrote:
No. He's dead, dead people don't feel honor.


In Judaism we don't believe that after a person dies they no longer exist.
We believe that the the body turns to dust but the Jewish neshama is eternal.
While we're living here on earth we don't really understand what goes on in the spiritual realm except for a few things that have been revealed to us. One of these is that there is benefit to the neshama when a child is given the same name, though I don't know if I'd exactly use the word honor.
Op you got a lot of good suggestions on how to name after your father. Try to use one of those ideas. Do it for your father but most of all do it for yourself.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 6:06 pm
amother Gold wrote:
In Judaism we don't believe that after a person dies they no longer exist.
We believe that the the body turns to dust but the Jewish neshama is eternal.
While we're living here on earth we don't really understand what goes on in the spiritual realm except for a few things that have been revealed to us. One of these is that there is benefit to the neshama when a child is given the same name, though I don't know if I'd exactly use the word honor.
Op you got a lot of good suggestions on how to name after your father. Try to use one of those ideas. Do it for your father but most of all do it for yourself.


That's why one says kaddish, lights a Neshoma candle, say Yizkor, give tzedoka lillui nishmas etc.and name after the niftar.
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:41 pm
Op, I think you will very much regret later on if you do not in some form name after your father. Like so many said, chose 1 name, add one of your own choosing.
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doodlesmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:45 pm
Don’t completely ignore his name.
I think you will come to regret it if you do.
Remove a name, add one, whatever…discuss it with a rav…

Also I sometimes think that if no one would want to name after me, how would that make me feel….
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:55 pm
It sounds like there are a lot of emotions involved. I would choose one name and add a name I love that is meaningful and call by the name I chose. This is what I did for my dd after my grandmother died and there were a lot of complex emotions involved. My parents were horrified and wouldn't talk to me for a year because I didn't give the full name but I know I made the right choice. Op it sounds like you want to honor your father...choosing one name that you won't call on a daily basis may be an easy way to do that without having the emotions constantly in your face every time you call the child's name.
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amother
Nemesia


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:59 pm
My family thinks the only right way to name is to name after a relative. I had a lot of pressure to name after grandparents. I have many reasons I felt it wouldn't be good for me to name after anyone. So I chose every single one of my kid's names, they are all meaningful to me and not named after anyone. I do not regret it one bit. I am so glad I didn't give in and name after relatives, I would have a very hard time using those names and I think it would greatly affect my relationship with my kids.
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amother
Crystal


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 9:01 pm
I didn’t, it was surprising to my family for all of a year. He’s almost bar mitzvah now and no one even remembers anymore what they think his name should have been and I get to be thrilled that I named him after a tzaddik.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 12:47 am
amother Nemesia wrote:
My family thinks the only right way to name is to name after a relative. I had a lot of pressure to name after grandparents. I have many reasons I felt it wouldn't be good for me to name after anyone. So I chose every single one of my kid's names, they are all meaningful to me and not named after anyone. I do not regret it one bit. I am so glad I didn't give in and name after relatives, I would have a very hard time using those names and I think it would greatly affect my relationship with my kids.


That's how I feel. I have a bunch of kids k"h and some were after relatives, one after my mother in law, 3 after a grandparent, but 2 have a name that I just felt connected to. I feel in a way, a deeper connection to those kids. I always felt (even as a young girl) a person's name impacts their personality. Some people really dont care - a name is a name, but somehow I always did. (BH my husband usually let me choose between the names and didnt care as much as me).

As far as choosing one name, its not like I like any. All 3 equally dont talk to me, and I will cringe to name my baby any of those names. Some also claim we dont break up the name. I will ask my rav. I'm just nervous knowing chassidim emphasize on this and it will be against my will. In a few years people forget, and I am stuck with it. Only after the bris everyone makes a big deal analyzing what name I gave and why.

I'm getting mixed answers here. Some believe I have the right to choose as the parent. It's my child, and I get the nevuah (I also read that).
Some feel its disrespectful not to give..
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amother
Cherry


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:44 am
OP I totally understand you.

We don't have a tradition of naming after relatives, but I was going to name my son after my mom's dad who died before I was born. Obviously, I don't have any memories of him. When I was about 8 months pregnant with my son my mom did something particularly nasty to me (she wasn't a good mother when I was a kid either!) and even though I told her I'd name after her father, I was so hurt by how she treated me that I couldn't bear the thought of looking at my son and thinking of my mom (not sure that would have happened, but I was afraid it would). Since I didn't know my grandpa, the name would bot have reminded me of my grandpa, but may have reminded me of my mom who abused any influence she had in my life.

I gave a completely different name and am glad I did. My relationship with my son is too important to risk it being even slightly sullied by a memory of my abusive mother.

It would have been different if I knew and loved my grandfather though.

If I were in your shoes, which I know would be a very hard place to be, I think I would give your father's 1st name and a completely different middle name, either one that YOU like, or maybe even one of someone from the tanach who stands out as being independent (and not controlled by his family). Your overcontrolling grandmother will probably be pissed as h3ll that you didn't give the exact 3 names she picked and that you had the audacity to choose your own name and to honor your father while inserting your own personality and preferences.
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amother
Heather


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:47 am
I am traditional.

I would try to like one of the 3 at least. There is something special about it.

Traditionl, as I said. why not?
He had a hard life?
your son iyh will have wonderful life having a mother like you.
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amother
DarkCyan


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:50 am
amother OP wrote:

I'm getting mixed answers here. Some believe I have the right to choose as the parent. It's my child, and I get the nevuah (I also read that).
Some feel its disrespectful not to give..

Not necessarily a contradiction. I think it would to be nicer to include your father’s name somehow, or at least his memory, like abba or something. But still, at the end of the day, it’s your right to choose.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 1:02 am
It’s your father. His difficult life is something the aibishter orchestrated.

Name after your father. It’s the right thing to do. And call him by the name that you like most. You’ll be setting a very good example to your children of respecting parents.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 1:06 am
My grandfather was a big Talmud chacham and very choshuv. At home he was a terrible abuser though.
We didn’t name after him even though my husband was close to him.
Everyone was asking why we didn’t give the name.
Some of his children did not give the name either.
People talk but then they move on.
Chassidish for reference.

Maybe give a different name now.
If you have another boy eventually you might change your mind by then.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 1:21 am
amother Magenta wrote:
My grandfather was a big Talmud chacham and very choshuv. At home he was a terrible abuser though.
We didn’t name after him even though my husband was close to him.
Everyone was asking why we didn’t give the name.
Some of his children did not give the name either.
People talk but then they move on.
Chassidish for reference.

Maybe give a different name now.
If you have another boy eventually you might change your mind by then.


This is a VERY legitimate reason to NOT name after a parent.

Not "liking" the name isn't, and to equate the two is offensive to the truly abused.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 1:23 am
amother Ivory wrote:
This is a VERY legitimate reason to NOT name after a parent.

Not "liking" the name isn't, and to equate the two is offensive to the truly abused.


Not liking the name is a very valid reason too.
Nobody wants to name their child an ugly name, and they should not be guilted into doing so.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 7:55 am
amother Magenta wrote:
My grandfather was a big Talmud chacham and very choshuv. At home he was a terrible abuser though.
We didn’t name after him even though my husband was close to him.
Everyone was asking why we didn’t give the name.
Some of his children did not give the name either.
People talk but then they move on.
Chassidish for reference.

Maybe give a different name now.
If you have another boy eventually you might change your mind by then.


So here it's not the case with abuse. He was a little dysfuctional but a good person.

I can't count on having too many more. I am already early 40s. Anyway his passing was recent, so I will get the most pressure esp being the first after him.

I feel like this whole pregnancy is consumed by this worry. I know some think just choose one, but I really, really, REALLY don't like and don't want to give even one of the names.

I read once a whole article about giving names and it said that parents are totally the one to get the feeling/ruach hakodesh of what to give. At the same time, I don't want to be disrespectful. No offense to him, it's just the names I don't want for my child.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 8:05 am
No doubt everyone has some hardships. No doubt my son will be growing up in a totally different environment and home.
No doubt I will love him regardless.
I still can't bear to give him a name I hate.
(And I hate writing it out, but unfortunately it is true)
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 8:05 am
amother OP wrote:
So here it's not the case with abuse. He was a little dysfuctional but a good person.

I can't count on having too many more. I am already early 40s. Anyway his passing was recent, so I will get the most pressure esp being the first after him.

I feel like this whole pregnancy is consumed by this worry. I know some think just choose one, but I really, really, REALLY don't like and don't want to give even one of the names.

I read once a whole article about giving names and it said that parents are totally the one to get the feeling/ruach hakodesh of what to give. At the same time, I don't want to be disrespectful. No offense to him, it's just the names I don't want for my child.


Was there any trait of your father's that you admired that you can name after?

My Saba was niftar in January and my sister gave my nephew the name Raphael after the way Saba healed himself after the shoah. It wasn't the name on his kever, but it has meaning since it's about him.

Maybe you can find something similar with a trait that you can give a name you like?
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