If I dont want to name my child after my father?

amother

Salmon

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 10:30 am

amother Magenta wrote:

My grandfather was a big Talmud chacham and very choshuv. At home he was a terrible abuser though.
We didn’t name after him even though my husband was close to him.
Everyone was asking why we didn’t give the name.
Some of his children did not give the name either.
People talk but then they move on.
Chassidish for reference.

Maybe give a different name now.
If you have another boy eventually you might change your mind by then.

My FIL was similar.
So far none of the kids had a chance to give a name after him, but grandkids did.
I really want a girl next for the reason that I can't handle the pressure.
DH is conflicted and feels if we have a boy there are no two options, although he suffered quite a lot from the abuse.

Side point, if there is nevuah given to parents, where does the "naming after relatives"pressure" come into the picture?

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 10:35 am

amother Salmon wrote:

It's a huge contradiction and the opposite of nevuah. It really shouldn't be a thing and it's sad that so many have lost their way and pressure their kids. Maybe we can be the generation that stops this nonsense and allows parents to choose their child's name the way it was supposed to be done.

amother

Gold

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:01 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

There's no nevuah involved. At best it's ruach hakodesh, some will say it's siyata dishmaya. Neither of those is the same as nevuah.
I'm not trying to split hairs. I'm trying to understand another contradiction I see here.
The idea that parents have a special koach given to them when choosing a child's name has its origins in chassidic sources like many other esoteric ideas that most of us can't understand. If it's someone's derech then they have emunas chachamim and trust those who have more Torah knowledge than they do. A similar idea that comes to mind is women shaving their hair (in addition to just covering it) after marriage. Many women here have no problem being critical of this even though it's rooted in kabbalistic concepts and some women have a mesora to do so. I'm not suggesting anyone needs to shave their hair off. I don't. What's wrong is people mocking ideas that are not part of their mesora because they don't know the origin and don't understand.
Now along comes a different idea that is far more appealing- I can name my baby whatever name I happen to like because I have nevuah. This is one everyone across the board will quote and swear by because they like the sound of it, even though for some groups (like sephardim) there's no source for it.
That's not how it works. A great posseik famously said that people who want to act according to his kulas (leniencies in halacha) also have to act according to his chumras. We can't decide which words of our chachamim we want to accept and which we reject based on our personal preferences.
The idea that a neshama that is no longer alive has benefit from having a child named after them is also one that's rooted in teachings of our rabbis. If someone is torn between both of these concepts and feels confused, the only way to really get clarity is to speak to a rav.

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:05 pm

amother Gold wrote:

There is no mocking here. All these rules and precise ways to do things don’t exist outside the chassidish world. And I look to the Torah where they chose names based on meaning. And that’s what I base my names on. And I feel fully confident that I’m ok living this way despite severe shaming and belittling from others.

amother

Gold

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:12 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

You didn't see me say you're doing anything wrong.
What I have an issue with is people mocking some ideas and then adapting others, all of which don't come from their mesora. With regard to naming babies, the idea that parents have nevuah doesn't exist. The idea that they have ruach hakodesh or siyata dishmaya in naming a baby comes from the chassidish world that you say you're not a part of.
You can go ahead and name your baby whatever you want, but you can't say you're doing that because you like an idea that's not part of your mesora.
The idea of naming after a person does have some sources outside of the chassidish world. I'm no way suggesting it's your mesora. I don't know you. What I did say was that when a person is confused or unsure, which op said was her feeling, the only way to really get clarity is to speak to a rav.

ETA- severe shaming and belittling others is never okay. I didn't think I needed to explain that to anyone, I'm sure you know as do all the rest of us. I just didn't want you to think I skipped that part.

amother

Linen

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:15 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

I'm from the yeshivish world and we also believe in naming after relatives. It's not just a chassidish thing.

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:27 pm

amother Gold wrote:

Ruach hakodesh is mentioned in a few places and it’s not chassidish sources. The chassidish sources say to name after a relative. Not sure I’ll have time to post the sources before yk.

amother

Gold

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:35 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Ruach hakodesh is mentioned in a few places and it’s not chassidish sources. The chassidish sources say to name after a relative. Not sure I’ll have time to post the sources before yk.

Looking forward.
Just to clarify, I'm not looking for sources that people in Tanach had ruach hakodesh when naming children. Many or all of them had nevuah, not just ruach hakodesh. I'm interested in sources that some shadow of that power still exists today. The sources I've seen are chassidish but of course there could be others.
Gmar chasima tova.

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 1:24 pm

I’m 30 weeks pregnant now with a girl and my grandmother is on her deathbed in the ICU. Not only did she have a terribly difficult life, she was also not emotionally stable. I don’t love her name either and I was not particularly close to her. Before her condition deteriorated, I had a different name in mind. But if it comes to it, I would ask a sheila because I do strongly believe in the zechusim that come with it, as well as honoring the person’s memory. If it was my own father, I would have no question.

amother

Heather

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 1:25 pm

1. We hope to have a child. doing treatments for 10 years!! Non yet
I will be delighted to give my fathers, my grandparents, we need many kids to give after all family members. we are really looking forward to it. Halevai B Karov we should be zoche to do all the naming we have , with healthy children, Amen! Please please daven for us this Yom Kipur! Hashem knows our names. Thank you all!

2. My friend who didnt give after her mother does regret it. I can tell you more on PM if you are interested.

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 05 2022, 10:30 pm

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread.
You have the ruach hakodesh. Your choice.
Question: Was your father young? Many poskim say that children don't need to add or change the name, but some still do. Which could give you an out, but you'd have to ask.

All that said, I'd still be inclined to use the name, or one of the names. And if the latter, add a name but don't make it arbitrary. Make it have something to do with your father, or be a direct ancestor of your father's so there'll be some connection.

Just an idea.

Your son (is it a boy? B'shaa tova!) might just love the name. And hearing all the good things about your father, z"l. Sounds like resilience is high up on the list.