How do you move on quickly when you are angry at your kids?

BinahYeteirah

Wed, May 14 2008, 7:38 pm

I find that when my children do something not allowed that gets to me I find it difficult to move on, depending on my mood. Then I carry around negative feelings that color our interactions for longer than I'd like.

For example, this morning my kids dumped their cereal all over the table, then when I sent them into the kitchen to get a shmatta to clean it up, one of them poured a carton of milk on the floor. Obviously, they needed more supervision to prevent this happening, but a mommy has to get dressed, too, right? So now I just don't even feel like being around them. If it was just the two-year-old, I couldn't be too upset, but the 5-year-old thinks it hilarious and she should know better.

How do you get over silly things like this quickly so your can have a positive day?

amother

Wed, May 14 2008, 9:00 pm

Yes I also have an almost 5 and an almost 2 year old. Yes they sometimes encourage each other to make mischeif. Yes I sometimes have trouble letting go of hard feelings towards my kids. But it's not the 2 & 5 that I have trouble with. You see, I have older children, teenagers, preteens and they are capable of chutzpah, ingratitude, selfishness, etc. So my two younger ones are the light and joy in my life when things get rough with the older ones. I am sure when my oldest were this age, I did expect more of them and probably did get angry more and for longer, but it is a whole different world when you know how fast they grow up and it's painful how yummy they are now and I'm probably not going to have more babies etc. I just hug them every chance I get and cannot be mad at them.

mama-star

Thu, May 15 2008, 1:17 am

I've had this problem. when they do annoying things, or make annoying mistakes, just cheerfully help them clean it up/fix the error. if your child thinks it's a joke (like OP's daughter laughing about the cereal) then there needs to be some logical consequences.

another thing to remember is that it's hard for young kids to have the maturity that we have, to be gracious or apologetic, etc.

Tamiri

Thu, May 15 2008, 1:31 am

It's troublesome when the child thinks it's hilarious to make Mom mad. So, that is the one thing you have to NOT do. Not get mad. I think, for example, that if I saw my child pour a container of milk on the floor (to join the cereal already there), that would be the end of milk and cereal for a while. Mommy would not get mad, just say: I realize that you are not treating the food with respect, therefore we will not be able to have it for a while.
Pouring the milk on purpose is quite aggressive behavior and it would be a good idea to get to the bottom of it. A five year old knows better. And no, at that age you do not have to be a policewoman and supervise rather than getting dressed. A two year old can spill milk now and then but for a five year old to spill a carton - זה אומר דרשני
Good luck. As others wrote, this is small change compared to the later years.

leomom

Thu, May 15 2008, 1:53 am

In situations like that I sometimes just remind myself that I want to be a good mother, and a good mother would react calmly to get the mess cleaned up and tell the kids that it was unacceptable to do that, now they won't be able to..... etc..... staying calm. Then a good mother would smile (think Mrs. Cleaver) and say, "OK, I'm so glad we're done with that so we can start all over and have a nice, happy day."

It's the "remember, you want to be a good mother" part that's important -- at least for me! Keeps me from just going wherever my feelings take me and regretting it later.

grin

Thu, May 15 2008, 4:18 am

try to put a "10 yrs from now" perspective on it. At that point, the milk and cereal won't matter, but their midos will. Try to keep your focus on what matters. I agree to try to avoid giving them the satisfaction of "making Mommy mad".

I probably also would punish by not giving (or buying ) cereal for a while afterwards. But you must remember also not to punish before giving a warning first, so if it's the 1st time - first take a deep breath, smile, and clean up (together with them, I hope) and then's the time for the warning. Next time, you carry out the punishment.

OTOH, I disagree that this is small change compared to teens; it's just the same thing on a smaller scale, and now's the age to get some real chinuch in before they grow up.

BinahYeteirah

Thu, May 15 2008, 9:39 am

Just to clarify, my 5-year-old doesn't think it's funny to make Mommy mad. If I were in the room, something like this would never happen! When I walk in, there is instant contrition, at least from her. Also, the two-year-old is the one who poured out the milk. The older one just thinks it's doubly fun to watch her sister make a balagan, then to get to tattle on her, too! I think the younger is encouraged when she sees how her older sister, who she deeply admires, is so amused by her actions. I made them clean it, then I told them probably wouldn't be serving cereal in the near future. The cereal milk (what's left over after the cereal is gone) dumping has hapened before, but this with the carton is a new thing.

Thanks for the reminders that they grow so fast. I just have a hard time when a major mess or destruction of property happens before I feel fully conscious, before I've entered my rational mind, in the morning. It can really get me down.

My two-year-old is going from one nasty habit to the next lately. I don't remember my first being so, umm, fiesty. She (the two-year-old) had a habit of finding any piece of paper, tearing it, and chewing it up like gum. She was also obsessed with sticky tack. I had to take down all the posters off the walls, because she'd take the sticky tack and chew it. Yuck. I made her a chart and she's pretty much over that now, but she's moved on to spitting. Spitting out food, saliva bubbles, the works. Now it's spilling milk and playing in it! Sigh... She has a 3-month-old brother, who she adores, but maybe she's just attention seeking.

Pizza

Thu, May 15 2008, 2:11 pm

Emotions feed on themselves.

If you are angry, and punish them and feel punitive, and get nasty and tell yourself you deserve better ... then you will, in all likelihood, continue to have negative feelings about the kids and your situation, and it becomes a cycle.

I have a big sign on my fridge - FAKE IT!

What it says to me is, "You dont feel like smiling and finding the humor in it? So what? PRETEND." It breaks the cycle, and gives everyone the chance to start over.

That doesnt mean there shouldnt be consequences, and the kids shouldnt see that mommy is upset. It means, dont let the anger take over the day. Part of maturity is knowing how and when to move on.

Sometimes you can make a consequence that is funny but not too pleasant - I.e. make them eat the cereal off the floor (assuming its not too dirty) - they probably wont be wanting to do that again too soon!

Another trick, which is terrifically effective, is davenning out loud. "Oy, Hashem, please please please help me control myself right now. I feel so ANGRY with the cereal on the floor, and the milk making such a sloppy mess, and Hashem, I really need you to help me not scream at the kids, and let them see what baal tashchis it is. I cant do it without You, Hashem, please help me be a good mommy and teach my kiddies to do right" You would be surprised how much they absorb from something like this, and you can get a message across to them without sounding preachy or angry.

Not easy, definitely one of those challenges of parenthood that tons of books are written about. The knack is, being able to grab to moment and DO something with it, instead of having the moment grab you and turn you into mommy monster.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, May 28 2008, 11:15 pm

I make up silly songs to whatever upbeat melody describing my situation.

Mommy's never eating real food again, bc she only has time to eat nosh since she changes 20 messy diapers everyday....20 diapers, 20 diapers, 20 messy icky diapers, icky icky icky icky, and smelly...and we will turn into potato chips today, bc I can't figure out when we'll get to the store...to get more..... food.

mom of girls

Thu, May 29 2008, 12:28 am

Binah- I totally feel for you. I think your two year old is just a typical for the terrible twos! the name doesn't come from nothing. today my two year old, who started spilling anything she sees,spilled water (at least only water) on the table. the next thing I knew she was on the table splashing in her puddle. so all we did was laugh-what a thought! and then we cleaned it up together. this is only three minutes of her very active day.