BY HS with dorms- girl who has been struggling since corona

amother

Thu, Oct 13 2022, 12:40 pm

I just joined this group and am hoping to get some advice. we live in israel and are a chareidi family- my husband is an avreich. our daughter has become more open since corona. we are extremely unhappy with the friends she made over here and since she does not get along with her siblings, and is struggling at home, we are looking into schools with a dorm- not boarding by a family. we are looking for a school with decent frum girls who know how to have fun. more chilled out BY. she needs a school that will build and nurture her. since we are europeans living in israel who are looking for a school in america, we are quite lost and would appreciate any leads or suggestions.

amother

Viola

Fri, Oct 14 2022, 12:15 am

amother Indigo wrote:

https://www.ohrnaava.com/BCA/

This is an amazing school but for girls who are seriously seriously struggling. Doesn’t sound like what the op is looking for.

Have you considered Gateshead? Going to an American school and being so far away from family can be a huge culture shock, I’d be very scared to send a vulnerable teen so far away. The costs will be very high as well…

To answer your question though I believe by of Denver has a dorm.

amother

Fri, Oct 14 2022, 6:29 am

you seem to get us, but we think gateshead (even the new gateshead) is too closed for her. she needs a bit more breathing space. Also we want a place with limudei chol, and Gateshead doesnt provide that. we feel that americans think more outside the box than typical europeans and would therefore be more suitable for her needs. but its true we do share your concerns about sending a teenager half way around the world with absolutely no family support.
does anyone have any experience in dorms, how strict they are, if they are on top of the girls, do they give free time to the girls etc.
We saw the boarding place in denver, and from the look of the girls there, they seem to be regular BY girls which wouldnt be suitable for our daughter.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Oct 14 2022, 6:40 am

You don't say how old your daughter is, but how does she feel about the prospect of living in a dorm in another country? Is her written English on a level that she would not be struggling academically in such a group? Is she going to resent being taken away from her friends? She can make new ones of a similar type in any country. Sending her away won't necessarily solve anything.

I know you said BY, but have you considered looking at any of the dati Leumi or torani ulpanot here in Israel? That might give her a less closed environment while still providing a very strong Torah education. A lot of them have dorms.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Oct 14 2022, 9:03 am

amother OP wrote:

The only American BY with a dorm that I've heard of is the one in Denver. Otherwise, girls board at families.
There are a few American sems with dorms, but it's not really a thing for high schools.
Also, as someone said above, is your daughter prepared to jump into an American school? It's very different culturally and academically as well.

amother

Daffodil

Fri, Oct 14 2022, 9:43 am

What does your daughter want?

You haven't mentioned an age but if you are looking at high schools realistically she is a teenager and should have some say in something that is as life altering as being sent away to boarding school in a foreign country where she is unfamiliar with culture or probably language. Her background is European and Israeli - not American.

Maybe I am missing nuances but essentially you are sending your daughter away from the family because she is too much trouble to keep at home? I can't imagine this is going to improve your relationship with her especially if it is something that she doesn't want.

dena613

Fri, Oct 14 2022, 9:52 am

There really aren't such schools in America.

Why don't you keep her in EY ave send her to a school that wild be suitable for her, even if it's not suitable for your family?
I get that it might be very embarrassing to your family, but you need to do what's right for daughter.

Instead of chadash, yashan, snif kind of places, what if you sent her to a more open-minded BY? or if necessary, an ulpana type place?

[Also you aren't giving a good picture of what your daughter is/needs. That will help people give suggestions.
Does she not wear socks? Does she wear leggings instead of tights? Not cover her knees? There are ranges of struggling when you are past of a chareidi home]

amother

Sat, Oct 15 2022, 1:17 pm

our daughter just turned 15 and she is actually the one begging us to send her to america. she wants to go to a dorm- we are a too scared to send her to a boarding family because she is not very pleasant to be around with when it gets to adults and rules and I am too worried she will get into trouble with the host families.
we would have loved for her to stay home but after a long time in therapy and a bad group of friends we are at our wits ends. her therapist seems to think it would be a good idea.
regarding leaving her friends she said that she loves herself more than her frtiends and therefor wants to leave

amother

Sat, Oct 15 2022, 1:39 pm

to address all the points made.
she already goes to a VERY chilled out BY in israel (a BY that is very different to the chinuch of the house) and we are trying to accomodate her needs in the best way possible.
She has major anger issues directed towards her family. Presently staying at home is destroying the relationship she has with us and with her siblings and there is no simchas hachayim in the house.
With all that we would still not want to send her away from the house, but after consulting with proffesionals, it seems that the best option is to send her to a school which is dedicated to building girls and giving them the space and freedom they need. We are not in anyway embarrassed of her at all, and that is certainly not the reason for this critical decision.
Regarding ulpanot. we did consider these options, but still felt it to be the better option, to send her to an institution that has the same value system as we have.

Last edited by amother on Sat, Oct 15 2022, 2:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lightyellow

Sat, Oct 15 2022, 8:57 pm

Like the above poster said, the only BY in America that has a dorm that I know of is BY Denver, and they definetly do not want to be looked at as a school for everyone else's problems.

There is also Yotzer Ohr in Miami-- I don't know much about it, and not sure if it qualifies as a BY, but I've heard good things about the school. (I know a girl from NY that is there and lives in the dorm)

Check out NEAT girls high school in Providence. The girls board by families, but your daughter might do a lot better with a family that's not her own. The group is fairly diverse, for a bais Yakov. They will take girls with certain challenges, who need a more open/chilled out environment (but have to be willing to toe the party line, more or less).

amother

Leaf

Sat, Oct 15 2022, 9:46 pm

If the school in Miami is the one I'm thinking of (I met some girls who went there, but I forget the name) please do your research carefully. The girls were sweet but yes, troubled. Does not sound like the vibe op is looking for. Also it's not a BY school, it's meant to be an alternative.
I think the founder/head wanted to open a dorm (in my neighborhood actually which is how I heard about it) but from what I heard, things fell through. Could be she's still planning on it, just in a different location.

amother

Cyclamen

Sat, Oct 15 2022, 11:50 pm

Just want to put it out there, since you say she's struggling since corona, my son who had on and off behavior issues became much worse after he had corona and he ended up being first diagnosed with pandas and ultimately Lyme and 2 co-infections. The anger and effect on other family members were terrible. His specialist says corona causes inflammation and can reactivate dormant infections and she treats many children who developed major behavior/psych issues post COVID.

amother

Cinnamon

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:51 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Who is his specialist?