Realised my son not putting on tefillin

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 1:28 pm

So whilst I knew my son was struggling with life issues, I never realised to what extent.
I just found out that he is not putting on teffillin. Whilst I know that he is not davening 3 tefillos a day, I had thought that at least he was doing the bare minimum of putting on teffillin.
He was given my grandfather's teffillin at his bar mitzva and I feel like it's a dishonour to my grandfather, and to god.
People have sacrificed their lives to put on teffillin.
He is not turning his back on religion that I know of but somehow is mad at God and feels this is his revenge?????
I don't know how to feel or what to do.
I feel so so sad about it.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 1:32 pm

There is nothing to do about it. Dont force him, thats for sure. Yes, feel sad about it, but dont let him know that. He has to work this out for himself or he will resent religion and you if you say or do anything. He has to come to it on his own.

amother

Papayawhip

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 1:36 pm

My son doesn’t put on tefillin either. It’s not coming from revenge or anger. He is finding it hard to connect to anything spiritual. I believe he’s suffering from depression, but he won’t agree to make an appointment to see someone. He’s afraid of the stigma of taking meds. He is an adult and I therefore am not allowed to be the one making the call unless he’s on the phone with me.
The focus and sadness should be on the child that is hurting , not on the people who have since passed. Hopefully the spark will be reignited within them one day when they feel better about themselves and feel connected to HaShem.

salt

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 1:19 am

You can't force but you can offer incentives/ prizes. Teenagers are not too old for that.
It depends how much he respects you. Would he do it "for you" .
מתוך שלא לשמה בא לשמה.

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 2:01 am

My brother was like that. He wasn't davening, wasn't covering his head. My parents still respected him. They never mentioned anything. In return he started respecting them. It took a few years but today he puts on tefillin every day, wears yarmulka most days even when out. If you feel this is his revenge on god, dont make it be his revenge on you. Thats what's important. See the good parts in him.
He told me that he has many friends who went much farther than him but the reason he held himself back and today is not only not angry at yiddishkeit but proud to be a jew is because my parents didnt fight with him they understood that he is above bar mitzva and responsible for his own deeds. They gave him love and respect and he reciprocated.

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 4:55 am

Op here....
Thank you for the replies and advice. I know you are all right.
It's interesting.... Cuz had I read this post from someone else, my answer would have been the same as all those above.
But when the issues hit close to home, it's difficult and it hurts to take even my own advice, which I really know.

chanatron1000

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 4:56 am

salt wrote:

You can't force but you can offer incentives/ prizes. Teenagers are not too old for that.
It depends how much he respects you. Would he do it "for you" .
מתוך שלא לשמה בא לשמה.

Incentives can easily backfire.

chocolate moose

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 11:27 am

I'm sorry

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 5:09 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

I'm sorry

Thank you.
That touched me x

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