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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
My teen son is probably on the spectrum. Can I help him?
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amother
Clear


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:04 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you for explaining. I agree it’s probably not a disorder because I don’t think it affects his quality of life right now. That said, I definitely do feel his friendships and relationships are quite superficial!
My only concern is down the line when he gets married iyh if it won’t cause problems in his marriage. I wonder if he can connect emotionally to a wife or his DW will be here opening threads about him.
He is a tremendous Baal middos, but he can go a little berserk if something throws off his schedule, or drawer, or bank account, etc.
Are you okay when these little disruptions happen in your life? Do you feel emotionally connected to your DH? Did your DH know about your diagnosis before marriage and was ok with it?
Only answer if your comfortable...

I was evaluated at 18 and was told I did not have asd. My parents asked a Shaila before I started dating and were told that since I was functioning very well, and didn’t have asd they didn’t need to divulge. Once pregnancy and kids came along I really struggled. I ended up admitting to my husband that I had been evaluated for asd in the past and I wondered if I qualified at this point. Bh he was very supportive and I got diagnosed and set up with a great therapist. It was extremely not ideal. But it did work out in the end BH.
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amother
DarkViolet


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:12 pm
amother OP wrote:
How is he with inevitable changes? Does he accept them or get bent out of shape?

Why should he change? By what you said, he's a very nice person with good middos, has friends, good learner.. So he behaves a little different, everyone is a bit different, right? We're not perfect. He sounds great.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:18 pm
amother DarkViolet wrote:
Why should he change? By what you said, he's a very nice person with good middos, has friends, good learner.. So he behaves a little different, everyone is a bit different, right? We're not perfect. He sounds great.

I think you misunderstood my question.
My question was if he takes it hard when there’s a sudden change of plan or schedule?
Mine has a very hard time adjusting to changes. That could be a real concern in the future because you need to be flexible in life especially once you have a family.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:19 pm
amother Clear wrote:
I was evaluated at 18 and was told I did not have asd. My parents asked a Shaila before I started dating and were told that since I was functioning very well, and didn’t have asd they didn’t need to divulge. Once pregnancy and kids came along I really struggled. I ended up admitting to my husband that I had been evaluated for asd in the past and I wondered if I qualified at this point. Bh he was very supportive and I got diagnosed and set up with a great therapist. It was extremely not ideal. But it did work out in the end BH.

Interesting how you were only diagnosed the second time even though your parents suspected it earlier.
I’m glad things worked out for you.
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amother
Tomato


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:31 pm
amother OP wrote:
Interesting how you were only diagnosed the second time even though your parents suspected it earlier.
I’m glad things worked out for you.


A while back I dragged my son to a therapist and a doctor.
The doctor told me that he doesn't see any issues and it is all in my head.
It was very painful for me but who am I, simple mother, to say?
(I later learned that this doctor has zero understanding about ASD etc.)

The therapist saw him a couple of weeks during which my son completely shut him out.
He then called me that he thinks it isn't beneficial for my son.

He told me that he agrees that my son is on the lower spectrum of the umbrella of ASD but there's nothing that he can do to help him as long as my son doesn't want to help himself.

Since then I stopped dragging him.
I will let things happen organically.

I guess if and when my son will want he might get some diagnosis second time around.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:40 pm
amother Tomato wrote:
A while back I dragged my son to a therapist and a doctor.
The doctor told me that he doesn't see any issues and it is all in my head.
It was very painful for me but who am I, simple mother, to say?
(I later learned that this doctor has zero understanding about ASD etc.)

The therapist saw him a couple of weeks during which my son completely shut him out.
He then called me that he thinks it isn't beneficial for my son.

He told me that he agrees that my son is on the lower spectrum of the umbrella of ASD but there's nothing that he can do to help him as long as my son doesn't want to help himself.

Since then I stopped dragging him.
I will let things happen organically.

I guess if and when my son will want he might get some diagnosis second time around.

My son wouldn’t cooperate either.
I’m not so desperate to drag him to get a diagnosis. It’s not like the diagnosis will change his behavior.
I do keep telling him that he needs to be more flexible when things happen in life but when he’s actually in such a situation it’s very hard for him. He gets so aggravated, it’s not something he can change. It’s just the way he’s wired. I guess therapy would help if he’d be willing to go. Definitely not the case. Maybe life will force him to go eventually.
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amother
Tomato


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:01 pm
amother OP wrote:
My son wouldn’t cooperate either.
I’m not so desperate to drag him to get a diagnosis. It’s not like the diagnosis will change his behavior.
I do keep telling him that he needs to be more flexible when things happen in life but when he’s actually in such a situation it’s very hard for him. He gets so aggravated, it’s not something he can change. It’s just the way he’s wired. I guess therapy would help if he’d be willing to go. Definitely not the case. Maybe life will force him to go eventually.


I so much want to avoid the 'eventually life will force him' but what are my choices?

My main focus is not fooling myself when it comes to shidduchim. I know people will bombard me with good girls because, great boy you know.

I do not want to get carried away by that.

I hope and pray that I remember what is really best for him so that when 'eventually life will force him' it won't hurt his wife.
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amother
DarkViolet


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:09 pm
amother OP wrote:
I think you misunderstood my question.
My question was if he takes it hard when there’s a sudden change of plan or schedule?
Mine has a very hard time adjusting to changes. That could be a real concern in the future because you need to be flexible in life especially once you have a family.

How is his reaction when there is a change of schedule? For example, one day you are taking him somewhere and there's an emergency and you need to turn around and go somewhere else instead? How would he react?
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amother
Poppy


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:20 pm
amother Orange wrote:
Sounds like autism. There's a support group someone started recently for autism on slack. Frum women only.


How would I go about getting on that support group on slack? I have an 18 year old son with HFA
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:28 pm
amother DarkViolet wrote:
How is his reaction when there is a change of schedule? For example, one day you are taking him somewhere and there's an emergency and you need to turn around and go somewhere else instead? How would he react?

If there’s an emergency he wouldn’t protest but he’d be very agitated about the change. He’d be tense and in a down mood.
If it’s not an emergency, just a suggestion for change in schedule, he’d fight tooth and nail to stick to the original plan.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:31 pm
amother Tomato wrote:
I so much want to avoid the 'eventually life will force him' but what are my choices?

My main focus is not fooling myself when it comes to shidduchim. I know people will bombard me with good girls because, great boy you know.

I do not want to get carried away by that.

I hope and pray that I remember what is really best for him so that when 'eventually life will force him' it won't hurt his wife.

I’m also expecting to get great suggestions when the time comes.
I wonder if I’ll know what type of girl to look out for. Are there any girls who appreciate such boys? It’s too early for me to worry but I definitely think about it a lot.
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amother
DarkViolet


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:33 pm
amother OP wrote:
If there’s an emergency he wouldn’t protest but he’d be very agitated about the change. He’d be tense and in a down mood.
If it’s not an emergency, just a suggestion for change in schedule, he’d fight tooth and nail to stick to the original plan.

So even though that's not the best reaction, there are still plenty of people who react the same way. He will be fine, let him go on shidduchim and he will find a wife that is not very bothered by this rigidity.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:37 pm
amother OP wrote:
I’m also expecting to get great suggestions when the time comes.
I wonder if I’ll know what type of girl to look out for. Are there any girls who appreciate such boys? It’s too early for me to worry but I definitely think about it a lot.


I think you have to be honest that he is quirky and a bit rigid even if you don’t say he’s autistic. I think it’s not fair to try to pretend there’s no problems.

OP, you really barely noticed any issues until now when he’s an adult?
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:38 pm
amother DarkViolet wrote:
So even though that's not the best reaction, there are still plenty of people who react the same way. He will be fine, let him go on shidduchim and he will find a wife that is not very bothered by this rigidity.


Or maybe he will get married and his wife is bothered by the rigidity but she’s stuck.
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amother
Clear


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:44 pm
amother Pewter wrote:
I think you have to be honest that he is quirky and a bit rigid even if you don’t say he’s autistic. I think it’s not fair to try to pretend there’s no problems.

OP, you really barely noticed any issues until now when he’s an adult?
That’s what references are for. That’s something for the friends to share. Not op
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:47 pm
amother OP wrote:
I’m also expecting to get great suggestions when the time comes.
I wonder if I’ll know what type of girl to look out for. Are there any girls who appreciate such boys? It’s too early for me to worry but I definitely think about it a lot.

He may get great suggestions but if he struggles socially with the give and take of a regular conversation, dating is going to be hard. Remember it's not just getting suggestions and the initial
yes to a date, it's getting a yes for the next date, building up a relationship, etc.

Social skill training or therapy is best started as early as possible. I've seen some ads for this especially for when it comes to dating. Maybe Rivka Schonfeld?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 7:47 pm
amother Pewter wrote:
I think you have to be honest that he is quirky and a bit rigid even if you don’t say he’s autistic. I think it’s not fair to try to pretend there’s no problems.

OP, you really barely noticed any issues until now when he’s an adult?

As I said upthread he’s always been rigid. Nothing actually changed in him but I recently came to the conclusion that all his behaviors I mentioned in the op might point to a diagnosis of being on the spectrum. I didn’t think of it all the years. I read a lot about it here and that made me think of it.
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amother
DarkViolet


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 8:04 pm
amother OP wrote:
As I said upthread he’s always been rigid. Nothing actually changed in him but I recently came to the conclusion that all his behaviors I mentioned in the op might point to a diagnosis of being on the spectrum. I didn’t think of it all the years. I read a lot about it here and that made me think of it.

Maybe he is,maybe he isn't. But chances are if he fits the diagnosis, it's very light.Usually you can notice ASD in childhood.

There are girls who are also sticklers for routine and there are others who are very naturally calm, what I'm saying is that Hashem created the world for everyone and there is a right person for everyone.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 8:35 pm
amother DarkViolet wrote:
Maybe he is,maybe he isn't. But chances are if he fits the diagnosis, it's very light.Usually you can notice ASD in childhood.

There are girls who are also sticklers for routine and there are others who are very naturally calm, what I'm saying is that Hashem created the world for everyone and there is a right person for everyone.

Your posts were very reassuring throughout this thread.
Thank you.
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amother
DarkViolet


 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 9:05 pm
amother OP wrote:
Your posts were very reassuring throughout this thread.
Thank you.

Glad to help:)
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