Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?

LovesHashem

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 2:03 pm

Quote:

* DC's is not a recluse. He/she does spend time with MO friends, and appears to be happier since finding a group of other singles he/she can associate with. People who know DC's personally will not see it as a 'red flag' that he/she is still living at home.

* I also do not wish to portray DC as a 'villain'. He/she is not. DC is a kind person who tries to do the right thing but is sometimes clueless. He/she is very bright and advanced in some respects, and is a 'late bloomer' in others. I believe that B"H he/she will make a dedicated spouse and parent. They just need to come with a manual (just kidding Smile

). Their significant other may at times have to spell things out to get the results they need, but DC is open to learn and usually eager to please.

*Finally, a word about 'gold diggers': They are real, they are out there, and they are pretty easy to spot...Part of DC's naivete' is that he/she did not always recognize it even when it was staring in his/her face...Luckily, because he/she used to share with me about his/her dates at an earlier stage, and was open to guidance too, I was able to gently help him/her see it, and he/she no longer discloses sensitive information to others that would make him/her prey to such schemes.

I hate to go off topic here but all the bolded are common traits of autism. I'm not sure if this is it or there's more, but if it's the latter I reccomend getting a diagnosis if that would be helpful.

If this isn't news to you or you don't want to look into this feel free to ignore my comment.

This is just as an observation I see.

amother

Tanzanite

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 2:47 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Having autism isn’t a reason to not learn independence. It may make it harder to obtain it, but isn’t an excuse to mooch off parents indefinitely.

LovesHashem

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 3:32 pm

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Having autism isn’t a reason to not learn independence. It may make it harder to obtain it, but isn’t an excuse to mooch off parents indefinitely.

I never said it's an excuse. I also wouldn't mooch off parents, as that's definitely not the mindset this child has. A mooch is what I'd call a relative who is taking care of someone elderly just so they get money when they die.

Either way having a diagnosis allows them to get better support for this child.

amother

Tanzanite

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 4:14 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Not necessarily OP’s child, but I consider a child who is financially independent, living at home but not contributing as mooching. I think the real issue for “kids” in their 20s like this is a fear of launching, with or without an autism diagnosis. If a child is scared to grow up, it is very hard to provide support to help them obtain independence.

amother

Cerise

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 6:27 pm

I know this is a different story, but in the community I come from its normal for singles to live with their parents. Anyways my husband lived with his parents and contributed significantly. He is not a spender at all. I do feel resentful that when we got married (neither one of us were super young) he had barely any savings. We ended up taking a lot of help from his parents to avoid debt, which I feel bad about. But in truth if he had savings we wouldn't have needed to.

amother

NeonGreen

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 6:42 pm

amother Tanzanite wrote:

It sounds like you have done a lot. We don’t need DC to contribute financially, but our DC in their 20s doesn’t drive or act independently at all. They were at college paying bills with roommates so this feels like a massive step backwards for us. Our DC has the financial means to leave but doesn’t. It is very draining for us. Posters talking about how mean or cruel it is to try to make an adult child independent have no clue what it feels like.

The bolded, so much!!

Especially when it drags on for years (yes, ASD in this picture), and you and your DH are working tons of hours to pay for stuff including meds and therapy. How is DC going to learn to live independently without practice paying rent, even if it's ridiculously reduced, and doing other stuff?

amother

Darkblue

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:15 am

amother OP wrote:

DC does know, and I have told him so, but did not seem to completely 'get it'.

DC sometimes goes to the store to get some specialty items they like, but picks up some items for the family occasionally and then asks me to pay them back. This irks me. I mean, you live here. You eat this too, no? why are you asking me to pay you back? This is a conversation that goes in my head. I do not actually say it out loud but sometimes gently asks if they would like to chip in towards it.

That is strange. Asking to be paid back.

Just wondering, I'm not finished reading but who would pay the wedding expenses you or the child? Is s/he also saving up for the wedding knowing you cannot pay?

ahuvaahuva

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:26 am

nicole81 wrote:

Sorry for the situation, but if your parents were asking you to contribute while an adult living at home, and you refused, the rav was right that you were being a horrible child. What an awful thing to do, to judge your parents' spending while living there for free.

Did you on purpose not read what she wrote?
Her parents were behaving like children. They were ILL and to enable such behaviour is morally wrong.

ahuvaahuva

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:58 am

Reality wrote:

OP write early on her husband doesn't want her to ask their son to contribute monetarily.

Look, I don't see paying or not paying rent as the major issue here. This child seems to be financially stable and responsible so when the time comes he'll pay his mortgage or rent on time.

The real issue is about EQ. It doesn't dawn on him to help in any way unless it is spelled out for him. He doesn't realize how selfish it makes him look when he asks to be paid back for small items when you are paying for so many things for him. Does he appreciate what you do for him or does he take it for granted? Does he ever verbally acknowledge all your hard work? Does saying thank you come easily to him?

All he is able to handle is going to work. He has no time to do any household chores. It doesn't work like that in real life. When you are an adult, your work first starts when you come home from work. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

I'm sure this is hard for you to read OP and I'm sorry. But having a great job is only one piece of the puzzle.

It could be he is a super intelligent and suffers from Asperger's syndrome. If he realized how his parents felt he may feel awful. Has there been communication? Has there been family discussions on how to cut back on expenses? Eg if the family go away during the summer and that is skipped.

LovesHashem

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 1:32 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

If this is your situation they have recourses for group living and social workers, organizations, that can help someone with lower support needs.