Do any of you financially support your parents or in laws?

amother

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:39 pm

If you support your parents or gave them a big chunk of money to help them with something how does your husband feel about it? If you support your in laws or gave them a big chunk of money to help them with something how do you feel about it?

amother

Currant

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:43 pm

We don’t give in large chunks bc we can’t. But we give what we can bc we want to, as a team.
Sometimes it’ll be my Dh who suggests we give (to my parents).
I can’t speak of the other way around bc my in laws have bh lots of parnassah. But, I can’t see why it would be different. If we have and they need, we try to help.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 12:10 am

amother Currant wrote:

I don’t share the same value system as my in laws- they spend extravagantly to keep up with the joneses and on a whim. They make very financially irresponsible decisions.

Hashem should take care of everyone but I think I would really struggle if it came to a point of helping them. There’s also a lot of resentment on my end (my husband came into marriage with debt that they committed to pay and didn’t and other things).

amother

Begonia

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:32 am

amother OP wrote:

We took a loan off of maaser and paid it off with maaser for a few years to help my in- laws make a wedding.

I was happy to help.

I do not agree with everything they do but when someone in the family approached us and explained what was happening(FIL committed to more money then he could afford, because the engagement would have been broken off at that point, and BIL is wonderful, the fact that his parents where insane was not a reason to break an engagement) I was happy to help.

If Dh would have pulled money from savings or somewhere else I would have had a harder time doing it. I believe that tzedakah begins at home, but it would be harder for me to pull from my pocket to help.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:35 am

We paid my in-laws mortgage for about a year. I agreed with DH it was the right thing to do but it bothered me tremendously because we are still renting. I told DH he has my blessing but please don't tell me exact amount because I know it will get me upset.

amother

DarkYellow

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:53 am

We do not bh so I don’t know exactly how we’d feel about it but I do know that my parents and in laws would all be absolutely devastated if this were the case.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:58 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

We do not bh so I don’t know exactly how we’d feel about it but I do know that my parents and in laws would all be absolutely devastated if this were the case.

My in laws never knew about it.
It was given through a 3rd party that was giving "grants".

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:00 am

Yes. We are completely financially on our own (never got help from anyone including making our own wedding) and we support my husband's parents. They are immigrants and he is an only child.

amother

NeonPink

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 9:44 pm

When I was single I helped out my parents as much as I could (living at home but beyond just basic expenses) my parents never asked me for rent but I gave money towards groceries, tuition for siblings etc. When I got married, my parents had nothing and didn't make it seem like it was a big deal that I would personally have to pay for everything beyond the actual wedding (think setting up home, chosson gifts,, Clothing, shaitels etc. I would constantly give to them throughout my first few years of marriage. It was only after talking to other people in the fam and hearing myself that I realized how crazy it was and now we only give if asked. Again, I was totally fine with it and am married to a tzaddik who never said anything about it Baruch Hashem but looking back it seemed pretty backwards to me

amother

Ecru

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 2:11 am

My in-laws have many loans. I know if I give them money they'll spend it irresponsibly, and it won't even make a dent in all they borrowed.
After speaking to a rav, most of our ma'aser today goes into a separate account where the money stays until the day inlaws will need it. When they get older, they will need much financial help. And if they die, the loans go straight to us. So the money is growing in a bank account until that happens.

amother

Heather

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 2:19 am

If you are blessed financially and able to support either, it is a huge thing. But same as giving to other close relatives, it comes with the burden of not getting in your head to judge their every move.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 4:08 am

We give them maasar money, it's not full financial support.
They need the help , and family comes first when it comes to tzedaka.

It doesn't take anything away from us(we don't have much extra) because it's going to tzedaka either way.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 5:53 am

amother Ecru wrote:

We do the same, for the save reason. I give it to a loan gemach though. I prefer it to be used in the meantime. I resent I having to use it for my in laws but I try to view it as them having a mental illness, they have no understanding of money.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 7:12 am

My parents don't have any money. I live in a different city. I often send a few hundred dollars at a time, whatever I can afford, to my sister who lives near my parents to be spent on them however she deems appropriate. I never tell dh (if that sounds like I'm withholding, I'm not. He asked me earlier on in our marriage to do all financial stuff because it stresses him out. If he specifically asked me I would tell him but he also doesn't know how much tuition or car insurance is and he doesn't want to know!) My in laws are comfortable BH. I have also given to my siblings, especially one sister who's a single mom, I'll tell her to text me a shopping list and buy the lot on love and have it shipped to her.