When asking neigbors to host OOT guests for a simcha...

amother

Fern

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 9:52 am

amother OP wrote:

I know many people buy a hostess gift for the hosts. Is this considered a nice gesture, though not mandatory? Or is it considered bad manners NOT to buy a gift?

Also, what kind of gift can I send that shows appreciation but won't break the bank?

Of course it’s bad manners to not give a gift for hosting out of towners!

A bouquet of flowers for Shabbos, or a nice chocolate and nuts platter,

amother

Fern

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 9:53 am

amother Blonde wrote:

I don't know if it's necessarily mandatory. I made a kiddush for my newborn baby a few years ago and I can't remember whether I sent hostess gifts. I certainly didn't have the presence of mind a few days after birth and neither did dh. I probably didn't send but I can't remember.
I hosted for a neighbor and they sent a cute little plant. Nice but totally unnecessary.
If I go to someone I'll usually take along some kind of chocolate gift.
I feel like when gifts become mandatory they lose their value
I don't get hosts that are insulted if they don't get a gift. Something's missing there.

Sorry but it’s not mentshlich to show no gratitude at all. A gift, even a token one as a gesture, is obviously appropriate.

mommyhood

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:43 am

I think giving something is really necessary but it does not have to be expensive. My kids favorite was a card game game from amazing savings. I don’t think it was more than $8. I also got dip spoons, not fancy ones just basic, small candy or chocolate platter… You don’t have to spend a lot of money to impress your hosts just something to show you put in effort to say thank you.

notshanarishona

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:43 am

amother OP wrote:

If it’s a close friend and you both regularly do things for each other I don’t think it’s mandatory. If it’s every neighbor within the mile then yes it would be considered pretty rude not to give something (especially if someone’s hosting a family with kids).
I have been given things like something nice for the house (like dish towels, a nice serving plate, etc) or a fruit/ nut platter, desert.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:54 am

Either the guest or baal simcha should give a gift even if the hostess won't necessarily need or love it. It doesn't have to be expensive or grand.

It takes effort to host. One has to clean the linen and towels, bathroom, floors....Also making sure the kids don't play near the guest room shabbos morning and afternoon. The gift is a token of appreciation acknowledging that.

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:10 am

We hosted for neighbors bar mitzvah. They gave us a bunch of branded tchotchkes with the boys logo. It was cute but totally useless. We were happy to participate in their simcha and help them.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:11 am

amother Fern wrote:

Sorry but it’s not mentshlich to show no gratitude at all. A gift, even a token one as a gesture, is obviously appropriate.

Gratitude does not have to equal gift. They are two different things.

When I do the mitzva of Hachnasas Orchim, I don't need a gift to take away from that.

amother

Wallflower

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:28 am

Agreed that the hosts don't NEED a gift, but still it's appropriate to show hakaras hatov because it is a hassle to host. My family in particular appreciates candy or chocolate because it makes hosting a more positive experience for my kids.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:38 am

Chayalle wrote:

Gratitude does not have to equal gift. They are two different things.

When I do the mitzva of Hachnasas Orchim, I don't need a gift to take away from that.

I don’t need a gift and I still think it’s appropriate to gift. Both can be true.

So if I was making a Simcha I would make sure to gift, if someone doesn’t bring me something I don’t get upset.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:47 am

amother Babypink wrote:

I always bring a gift when I am the guest.

I haven't made a Simcha yet where I asked for guest space....and when I do I'll probably send a gift. But I think that's because it became a "thing".

I didn't grow up with it being a "thing" and I guess that's where my thoughts and opinions are rooted. I think a Baal Simcha doesn't need the extra expense. There are so many new expenses that have been tacked on to making a Simcha these days that were not the done thing back in the day when life was less complicated. And I think this is one particular expense that so often is useless to the host (I have experienced that myself, I live near two Simcha halls and have hosted alot over the years) and could be done away with.

amother

Moccasin

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 12:12 pm

I host often and I've asked people to host my guests. Usually the person making the simcha and the guests who stay at your house both give a gift. It's not necessary and if it doesn't happen I'm not upset. It's usually something small and inexpensive. The nicest thing I ever got from guests was a beautiful hand written card that came in the mail a week or two after I hosted them.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 12:56 pm

It’s not required but I think it’s the mentchlicht thing to do.

It’s difficult for me to host guests. It requires at least one of my kids moving out of their room and changing all that linen, bringing an extra bed from the basement upstairs, cleaning the bathroom extra and having the whole family use the same shower erev Shabbos. We usually get the cleaning lady a few extra hours which costs money . However when my neighbor makes a simcha, I really can’t say no to hosting her elderly parents. I guess in theory she can move two or three of her kids to a neighbor a few blocks away and then her parents stay in that room? Seems pretty mean on my part. It’s difficult but I’m willing to do it for a simcha. However a small gift shows appreciation and that they realize it wasn’t necessarily easy.

In my old house my neighbor once gave hosts to their guests a platter from a pastry place and another time a cook book and a third time a bottle of wine. All very generous and appreciated and used.

amother

Fern

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 1:09 pm

amother Moonstone wrote:

We hosted for neighbors bar mitzvah. They gave us a bunch of branded tchotchkes with the boys logo. It was cute but totally useless. We were happy to participate in their simcha and help them.

Ever hear the saying it’s the thought that counts?

amother

Fern

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 1:10 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Gratitude does not have to equal gift. They are two different things.

When I do the mitzva of Hachnasas Orchim, I don't need a gift to take away from that.

So you can choose to not accept it but that’s you.
For the recipient of the chessed it is absolutely necessary to show hakaras hatov.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 1:34 pm

amother Fern wrote:

So you can choose to not accept it but that’s you.
For the recipient of the chessed it is absolutely necessary to show hakaras hatov.

Agreed. I just don't agree that Hakaras HaTov can only be shown with a gift.
In fact, I think the world would be a better place if we moved away from that POV.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 1:40 pm

Yes it accepted to give a gift. It's a lot of work to host other people's guests. I gave out waterdale kiddush cards for my simchad for hosting guests. I recently did personalized cookie jars for a simchad as well. (Letter of last name) wrapped it really nice. I've gotten all different things though.

amother

Cyclamen

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:00 pm

Interesting to read this thread now. I hosted recently and thought there was no gift (I was away and gave them some bedrooms in an empty house). I was a bit taken aback not to get one. In the end, I found the gift and all was well. The funny thing is that I hate clutter and tchotchkes and almost always give away these types of gifts. Likely I will give this latest one away as well. But still. It’s only appropriate to gift a small gesture of appreciation imo.

amother

Fern

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:09 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm curious, for those who think a gift must be given....by whom? The Baal Simcha (who asked for the guest space) or the guest? Why?

For sure by the guests, and also a small token from the baal simcha is appropriate because the hosts are doing both the favor which isn’t a small one.

amother

Fern

Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:10 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Agreed. I just don't agree that Hakaras HaTov can only be shown with a gift.
In fact, I think the world would be a better place if we moved away from that POV.

You’re in the minority,