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If your parents are rich or well off
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 4:36 pm
//Wow. Next level. No words //

I'm sorry. I wouldn't ever say this stuff in real life. But to be honest, sometimes its a relief to type this stuff out and to say the truth. I'm not sure if your words are judging me, kind of hard to tell in a post. And I'm definitely raw and sensitive about the way I feel so I might be interpreting it that way because of that. Even though I know I should internalize its all from Hashem and everything like that, its still hard when ppl look at you and just assume things that are so so far from the truth. Like of course rich parents help kids... But I appreciate that the OP came back to say she has learned something new. I'm not even sure why, but it sooths something inside that I never realized needed soothing... Anyway, truly truly wishing you all parnassah b'revach.
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imacoolmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 5:54 pm
amother Eggshell wrote:
//Wow. Next level. No words //

I'm sorry. I wouldn't ever say this stuff in real life. But to be honest, sometimes its a relief to type this stuff out and to say the truth. I'm not sure if your words are judging me, kind of hard to tell in a post. And I'm definitely raw and sensitive about the way I feel so I might be interpreting it that way because of that. Even though I know I should internalize its all from Hashem and everything like that, its still hard when ppl look at you and just assume things that are so so far from the truth. Like of course rich parents help kids... But I appreciate that the OP came back to say she has learned something new. I'm not even sure why, but it sooths something inside that I never realized needed soothing... Anyway, truly truly wishing you all parnassah b'revach.

I apologize if this thread brought up painful feelings for anyone here; I did not realize that that would happen….and I’m truly sorry! Everyone certainly has their own pekele in life, rich or not.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 6:02 pm
amother Steel wrote:
Re: the bolded. The entitlement on this thread is mind-blowing. Nobody is required to give people a leg up in this world. Is it nice to do if you can afford? Sure! However, it isn’t a given. Phrases like “only gave us” are plentiful on this thread.

PSA: some people get NOTHING from their parents. No help with a wedding, tuition etc. Some people make it on their own without any financial assistance from parents. Sure, parents can give generously to their kids and grandchildren as they wish. And yes, this does make more sense to me than saving it until their death as an inheritance. However, nobody is owed that money from their parents or should expect it IMHO.

Nobody is owed anything of course. According to halachah parents aren't even required to support their adolescent child.

But let's get real. If your parents are swimming in millions and millions of dollars and they can't think about their children for a second there's something wrong. I would venture a guess that these kind of parents are deeply dysfunctional in general, not just in this area.

Thankfully, most people I know are completely the opposite. They give and give to their children till 120....

And FTR I'm not a youngster, I'm on the other side now. Just saying it like it is.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 6:08 pm
amother Wine wrote:
Nobody is owed anything of course. According to halachah parents aren't even required to support their adolescent child.

But let's get real. If your parents are swimming in millions and millions of dollars and they can't think about their children for a second there's something wrong. I would venture a guess that these kind of parents are deeply dysfunctional in general, not just in this area.

Thankfully, most people I know are completely the opposite. They give and give to their children till 120....

And FTR I'm not a youngster, I'm on the other side now. Just saying it like it is.

Agreed
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 6:10 pm
I think that if a parent is extremely wealthy and is donating generously to tzeddukahs, but is refusing to help a needy child- there is something really wrong with that parent
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amother
Thistle


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 6:35 pm
My parents are well to do, but absolutely believe that we need to work hard as they did.
There is no support as such, but when I went to grad school they gave us a check every month for hours missed from work.
It was very very generous and unexpected.
I assume they have helped siblings similarly.

There has been no down payments etc for any of us, and we don't all own homes.

They are enjoying retirement and spend a lot on health maintenance - wonderful in my eyes.

It is not to be taken for granted that not having to support your parents financially - is a gift.
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amother
Peony


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 7:09 pm
My niece married a boy who’s parents are well off. From shana rishona they were busy jetting off to pesach and sukkos hotels while the young couple had to fend for themselves. He probably wishes his parents had less means so they would stay home for yt like everyone else’s parents and maybe think of inviting their kids.

There are selfish people in this world. Money just accentuates one’s tendencies. Most people assume that wealthy people are selfless and generous when it comes to their kids but that is often not true.

Moral of the story: have rachmanus on your son/ daughter and look for a family that is kindhearted and generous, not one that have money and loves to spend said money only on themselves.
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amother
Fern


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 7:11 pm
My ils are wealthy. for the first 15 years of my marriage they didn't pay for our kids tuition. I remember when we applied for a tuition scholarship for the first time, someone at the school called us and said in this incredulous tone, "but your so and so's son and dil!!!!?" I remember how humiliated I felt. That person actually called my fil and mil and told them we were applying... My mil said how much of a discount do you usually give to families. I don't remember the answer but let's say he said $5000, so she said fine so give the discount to them and we'll give the school $5000 so you don't lose out because you're helping them. And then mil called to tell me she was paying our tuition. She wasn't, not at all, we struggled to pay it even after the scholarship but she felt she was paying our tuition and that I should be grateful to her! And I hope I don't sound completely selfish and entitled but when u r struggling to pay tuition and make ends meet, you don't care if the school is getting an extra$5000 in your name, you just wish your mil who is gloating about paying your tuition was actually doing so!!! It was bizarre.
Anyhow over the years BH she evolved. She went from that to paying a few thousand towards our tuition and BH for the last couple of years she has actually paid the entire sum (lol now I only have 2 kids in school but when I had 8 in school she didn't!) I would never assume anything about the rich people's kids. It's a very painful reality. Thanks for this thread, it was a good reminder to not make assumptions ever.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 7:35 pm
octopus wrote:
I had this too,but it made me a stronger person. Sure it felt unfair at the time, but I knew even then that if they had the money, my parents would have provided more. I never felt unloved. The rich family poster above , I'm so flabbergasted. Because that is so narcissistic it's beyond.


What is narcissistic? I’m lost.

Yes having expectations of parents can be spoiled, and somewhat natural.

This is not about when parents can’t provide. It’s when they can easily gift or help when struggling and don’t (which they don’t have to!). The poster you quoted has the added dimension- she helped care for her siblings while her parents built themselves up and is now struggling herself and they don’t help her.

Personally- I watched my father fully support + buy houses for several siblings while he was young. I got married a bit later (im much younger) and living at home as an adults I knew he couldn’t easily afford it. Add to that his age and getting closer to retirement… they have become more careful of overall spending. I didn’t ask for anything financially and was thrilled when they offered help while my husband finished school.

While the financial gap between my siblings and I definitely bothers me sometimes, I remind myself it’s bashert and don’t ever resent my father for it (I did when I was younger). My sibling’s attitude gets to me sometimes (like giving me attitude about my husband not staying in Kollel or that I don’t live nearby. Not acknowledging I don’t have the choices they did).

I do think that money is really a small part of the equation in feeling loved. It fills a basic human need of mine when my parents are interested in me, my husband or my kids. My mother used to wardrobe all my sisters+ kids and stopped going shopping with them because she didn’t want to pay. I had to beg her to shop with me, explaining that I bh can comfortably afford to pay and truly just want her company etc. Same with my father, I always ask for an opinion, discuss big purchases with him and get his advice.

Ironically, even though in some ways I “got the least”, I think I am the closest to my parents. Maybe because there were no expectations on my end or pressure for them.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 7:44 pm
amother Gray wrote:
What is narcissistic? I’m lost.

The parents who hired a live-in to replace their oldest daughter when she was in seminary, then fired the worker when DD returned.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 7:52 pm
Oy, you guys! I was empathizing with the person from the rich family that basically made her their slave. I'm flabbergasted at the parents. Not the child!!! The parents are narcissists! Not the poor woman that had to carry this terrible burden!!
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 7:57 pm
octopus wrote:
Oy, you guys! I was empathizing with the person from the rich family that basically made her their slave. I'm flabbergasted at the parents. Not the child!!! The parents are narcissists! Not the poor woman that had to carry this terrible burden!!


Oh ok! I couldn’t imagine.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:28 pm
imacoolmom wrote:
I apologize if this thread brought up painful feelings for anyone here; I did not realize that that would happen….and I’m truly sorry! Everyone certainly has their own pekele in life, rich or not.


Painful feelings, oh yes! I read this thread to my husb, he told me 'stop, Im not handling it'.

His father has money. They bought houses for all kids. When we were younger, and very selfish and ungrateful, we didnt stop complaining why he doesn't give us anything more. Then after a couple of years, I stopped working and DH was still in Kollel, we were literally starving. Too embarrassed to ask for any help. The kids had nothing to wear. Was a few very difficult years. First we were very resentful, but slowly we started realizing its their own money and they owe us nothing. absolutely nothing. Looking back, however difficult it was, I also consider it the sweetest years. the concept of growing up, and maturing was hard, but oh so happy that we realized the right mindset.

Eventually I went back to work and things settled down, a bit. BH.

Fast fwd a couple of years(close to 15 years into marriage), DH is the only one still learning from the family and guess what, we received $300 for YT. We thanked them graciously since it was so unexpected..
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 11:57 pm
amother Slateblue wrote:
I think that if a parent is extremely wealthy and is donating generously to tzeddukahs, but is refusing to help a needy child- there is something really wrong with that parent


Per Hilchos Tzedokah, a relative cones first for tzedoka.

Reminds me if story.

Rabbi went to a rich man and described plight of a poor family.

Rich man was moved and asked who do I make out check to.

Rabbi said,

Make the check out to your brother!
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amother
Narcissus


 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:37 am
This thread has been so helpful to me. My in laws are very well off. They were very frugal and hardworking, and also inherited a lot of money later in life.

They helped us with part of a down payment, once every few years they will randomly give us a few thousand dollars.

However, I have always been resentful because their giving is extremely uneven, and we get a lot lot less than the others. But this thread has really opened my eyes. I should just be happy with what I have. I am so fortunate. And I really mean it. Perspective can be so important sometimes.
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amother
Trillium


 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 11:02 am
amother Narcissus wrote:
This thread has been so helpful to me. My in laws are very well off. They were very frugal and hardworking, and also inherited a lot of money later in life.

They helped us with part of a down payment, once every few years they will randomly give us a few thousand dollars.

However, I have always been resentful because their giving is extremely uneven, and we get a lot lot less than the others. But this thread has really opened my eyes. I should just be happy with what I have. I am so fortunate. And I really mean it. Perspective can be so important sometimes.


Please don't waste your energy being resentful when you got money for a down payment and thousands of dollars. That is a huge gift that many would love to have.
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amother
Dill


 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 11:24 am
My inlaws are comfortable and they have their own meshugasins. For instance, if they are treating their children and grandchildren on a trip to an exotic island, it's an either-take-it-or-leave-it attitude.
We can't ask for a cash option instead of a fancy trip.
Even if we say we would rather the money for rent or clothes for the kids.
It's their money and they can choose how they want to spend it, even if it doesn't make sense in our heads.
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 11:49 am
amother Wine wrote:
Nobody is owed anything of course. According to halachah parents aren't even required to support their adolescent child.


My father quoted this halacha many many times in my youth. For real, I have no idea what it even means or why in the name of G-d, the rabbis saw fit to say this. But I heard this around the shabbos table more times than I can count. I grew up very very very afraid that I will be stranded and left alone. It is still a work of inner strength to believe in the goodness of G-d, of people, of my spouse, and of the world at large and in my ability to survive and care for my self and my family. That quote should be blacked out in every gemarah. What on earth it signifies I cannot imagine. But it sickens me. And yes, I believe it is parents' obligation to take care of their children as much as they can in the ways that they can until their dying day. And if you cannot give money or time or physical care, you can still give smiles and love and affection. Support doesn't only mean cash.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Dec 08 2022, 7:34 am
amother Eggshell wrote:
My father quoted this halacha many many times in my youth. For real, I have no idea what it even means or why in the name of G-d, the rabbis saw fit to say this. But I heard this around the shabbos table more times than I can count. I grew up very very very afraid that I will be stranded and left alone. It is still a work of inner strength to believe in the goodness of G-d, of people, of my spouse, and of the world at large and in my ability to survive and care for my self and my family. That quote should be blacked out in every gemarah. What on earth it signifies I cannot imagine. But it sickens me. And yes, I believe it is parents' obligation to take care of their children as much as they can in the ways that they can until their dying day. And if you cannot give money or time or physical care, you can still give smiles and love and affection. Support doesn't only mean cash.


I edited post ,bc I don't want to sound judgemental. Sounds like you have a childhood trauma, bc you think like a little kid. Did you consider therapy to work on the way you think and fears? Coming from a place where I was left alone in life, I don't have both parents, and I relate to fear of smth bad happening, but don't relate to expectation to be taken care of by anyone.
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wantavaca




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 08 2022, 7:57 am
Throw tomatoes at me if you want but I think it’s disgusting that parents have loads of money sitting and roasting and toasting in the bank while their kids are relying on tomchei shabbos.

No they are not “obligated” whatever
Disgusting

There is always a middle ground to be had.
If it was me I would set up a monthly amount to go out to each kid depending on what would help them but not stunt them.

My goodness. Uch.
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