SIL sent 13 year old alone to my bar mitzvah without asking

amother

Orange

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:36 am

Before 3 weeks ago saying they couldn't go did they express joy in going? I would say even if it's not serious for whatever reason something is taking up alot of their time. They are so involved in their own busy or serious life they are unintentionally not thinking of what going on in your life. A first bar e that they sent mitzvah is major and you want everyone to be thought of and people to be involved in your Simcha to show your son and family love.
It was very thoughtful they sent their young son to representthe family when they couldnt come. I know it's not easy for parent to find ride for their yeshivah age son or a place to stay. Parent calling up anxious to make sure son is settled. Don't take, their not coming personal enjoy all the many thoughtful guest
Mazal tov! May you see lots if nachos from your son

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:01 am

I don’t think I would say anything either op
Like what are you going to say “hey happy it worked out that someone could pick him up at midnight and get him settled in the wee hours of the night the night before his bar mitzvah”?
I’d be glad we wouldn’t do this and yes I would consider this/them a bit off not to have asked first and then been profusely grateful that you made it work last minute admist all the preparations.
They may have been afraid if they asked they wouldn’t get a timely answer…
Either way
Rest assured you were graceful under pressure and made it happen for your nephew which certainly made a huge difference for him.

oneofakind

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:20 am

If they are generally normal people, there must be something serious and private going on. If they are generally weird, this is part of their weirdness and you have to accept it and even expect weird behavior. If they act normal, you can be pleasantly surprised.

amother

Starflower

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Was this remotely normal?

No, it’s not normal at all. I hope it worked out ok.

I’m not saying your sil shouldn’t have sent him. But she needed to use her seichel. Your husband as the Baal simcha should not have gotten the call about picking her son up at midnight. In fact she shouldn’t have involved the two of you at all. With all the people at the simcha I’m sure she could have roped in others to pick up her son and figure out where in the existing lodgings he could stay for the night. As baalei simcha you should not have been told to do any extra work last minute like that. It’s a real chutzpah.

As for the gift of course you don’t need it, but considering the circumstances they needed to have sent it. It’s very not normal that they didn’t.

amother

Aconite

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:28 am

How far was he onto his trip when they called? I would have said sorry I can’t pick him up or host him. You can come with him or he needs to find some other family member to pick him up and be in charge of him. I feel like so many issues are issues because no one knows how to say no. What they did was wrong. But you were wrong for not saying no. I think it’s crazy that you went to get him at midnight.

sarahmalka

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:34 am

OP it's not ok what they did, without communication or permission. But why are you blaming your SIL (title of your post)? You wrote it's the brother who called your DH so clearly both parents involved.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:41 am

I'm shocked by all these responses. Family is beautiful, this boy is lucky he has cousins that want to share in his simcha, not every bar mitzvah boy is that lucky. Clearly something is a little bit off with the family, ok, we all have those relatives. But making it seem like OP is a hero for having her nephew? What is wrong with everyone? Sure it might have caused a bit extra stress, but goodness its one 13 year old boy and op was hosting 120 other people-- honestly if you're throwing that big of an event what does one extra kid mean??

amother

Aconite

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:44 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

I think your attitude is the problem. Say this about his parents. Your nephew is having a bar mitzvah what’s the big deal for all of you to travel, he only has a bar mitzvah once. Why do you think what you said is more correct than putting demands on the boy’s parents?

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:47 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

I highly doubt OP would have minded if he showed up at the event or the kiddush. But here she had to pick him up (at midnight) and host him in her own home (presumably feeding him and making sure he had a place to sleep, and he's a child who needs some level of supervision). I'm guessing she didn't personally host all other 120 guests in her own home.

amother

Carnation

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:49 am

Wow op ur amazing I would have been beyond horrified! U should be repayed with lots of bracha! Can u atleast ask nicely what changed I thought the reason u couldn’t come was because of ur son?? Maybe You’ll feel better!

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:50 am

We must travel in different circles cobalt.
While I would be thrilled he could come our family just does not routinely bop around at midnight and the wee hours of the morning (barring an emergency) nor would we want to ask someone to do us a favor at that hour. Particularly when we are hosting a simcho the next day.
Particularly the night before a big event/simcha yes we would not be so inclined to run out at midnight.
Still, it is not the kid's fault so yes we would do it. But to pretend it is other than it is feels...odd.
And yes for others to impose upon us the responsibility for their child at this time again is...off.
Would be far more normal and thoughtful to ask Op if this would work along with an explanation. Even if it all happened last minute.

We would be doing our best to make sure us and kids are well rested night before the simcho

Still it is what it is. And you probably know what to expect of different people.
Making a simcha certainly gives you a window into how different people operate Wink

amother

NeonGreen

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 9:13 am

I would assume there is something going on. I don’t know them and if they are typically flaky and self centered, but to me, this sounds like there is a big issue they are dealing with-a mental health/physical illness/shalom bayit/pregnancy…..(and that they have a right to their privacy to work it out)
I would assume this is what they needed right now and daven that everything should just be OK.

amother

Papayawhip

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 9:35 am

amother Lily wrote:

I think a 13 year old boy should be invited to his cousins bar mitzvah. Regardless if he is “slow” or not.

Also a 13 year old is not a kid that you need to watch over to make sure he ears and sleeps.

I think it depends on the 13 year old. They are still at an age that someone needs to be responsible for them, and if they have difficulties, this should not be thrust on the Baal Simcha without the parents around.

I have a nephew who has mental issues, and I would not appreciate his being dumped on me for Shabbos without his parents, even without a Simcha.

imorethanamother

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 9:50 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

I agree. I think what caused OP the most pain isn’t the nephew really, but that the sibling acted like they didn’t even care about OP or her Simcha. No thank yous or mazal tovs or anything, and they had numerous opportunities to do that.

It is upsetting. I’m a big believer in clearing the air, and I wish you could find a way to tell the sibling that you feel hurt that they couldn’t attend and that they didn’t call to wish a mazal tov. I think that would go a long way to making you feel better in general because venting to strangers just makes it worse because you never get peace or closure that way. You just stay mad.

amother

Canary

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 10:21 am

amother Lily wrote:

Um. He was invited with his family and they declined for the whole family.

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 10:22 am

amother Papayawhip wrote:

Right — love all these parents who send kids and are like don’t worry he/she/they can take care of themselves
Sure
Self centered rationalizing at best
Your thread title says it all op
I’d let it go and have 0 expectations of some people