How bad is it to not go to DS Shabbos Sheva brachos?

amother

Navy

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:13 am

chanchy123 wrote:

OP I live in Israel, so either people live a few hours drive away or they’re flying in from overseas, so I don’t have any immediate experience with this.
Having said that, Shabbat sheva brachot is a big deal and especially if you live far away, your son may very well feel out of place not knowing anyone during the entire Shabbat.
It seems like your husband can’t come, and it’s totally ok, but if you could come yourself or make sure other family members or even close friends can go instead of you that would be amazing.
Make sure the ILs understand the extent of your husband’s disability and don’t leave it to your son to explain.
You want them to understand what you would have loved you attend but it’s really impossible for him (and maybe you) to do so.
Maybe offer to take care of the grandchildren for the weekend and send one of your married children.

This.
It’s important for your son to have someone there for him.
So much of Shabbos is spent in shul. If your husband can’t be there it would be good to have a brother there, maybe even better than his mother. Your kids don’t have to take a lot of time off work. Friday through Sunday is enough as long as someone’s there for Shabbos.
Either leave your husband at home and go yourself, or take Chanchy’s good advice, babysit and send your kids. Even nicer if it’s possible would be for you to go with one couple, a brother and sister-in-law’ of the chosson.

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:25 am

My FIL a'h was not a well man and all the excitement (nothing over the top) was just too much for him. He unfortunately passed away shortly after my sil's wedding. He did not make it to my wedding that was shortly after sil's wedding.I think everyone here needs to take a deep breath and just stop and think for a moment. You don't need to twist yourself into a pretzel over sheva brachos. The main deal is the wedding. Perspective please.

chestnut

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:32 am

flowerpower wrote:

Of course your child will say it’s ok if you don’t come. Otherwise he will feel guilty. But in all my decades on this earth I never saw parents miss their own sons simcha ( unless there was a real valid excuse).

How's being sick or having to take care of a sick spouse not a real valid excuse, especially when SB is a 7h drive??

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:52 am

Obviously there are some cultural differences in this regard, but in my circles it's not expected that both sides of the family attend all 7 Sheva brochos. Not everyone can take off a full week of work and travel for Sheva brachos. If chassan and kalla live in different cities, it's normal to have some in one city and some in the other, and parents come in if they can.

We had our first 4 Sheva brochos in my town and then flew to NY for the last 3. My parents did not come in..

For my son we had planned to make shabbos Sheva brachos in our town but it was during the height of COVID, some family members were exposed at the wedding, so we had to cancel.

I think the guilt tripping over parents missing Sheva brachos is really out of place. You go in if you can, but if you can't it's not making any statement whatsoever about your connection and devotion to your child.

penguin

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 9:41 am

Quote:

Wedding is usually in the home town of kallah.

I realize that.

I was pointing out that often it's moved to where the chosson lives if many of both sides siblings live there, or because it's very expensive to import services out of town etc. And it's often moved to where grandparents live if they can't travel.

Shabbos Sheva Brochos is also sometimes moved to a place that's convenient for both sides, such as a place where it's easier to find accommodations for everyone.

amother

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:26 am

Thanks for the replies.

Chasuna is by us as the kallah has a lot of family here.
My married son and Dil will go if I babysit their kids.
If I go without DH I really don’t have away to get there myself and if it snows I would be nervous going myself.
My other married kids won’t be going because it’s just too far for them to drive. If it was two hours away they would of.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 11:03 am

penguin wrote:

Quote:

Wedding is usually in the home town of kallah.

Completely agree Smile

Baruch HaShem that SB locations can be flexible Smile

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 11:14 am

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Much agree with you, the pretzel twisting is too much.
SB is *not* Halacha. It's a bonus. It's nice if one can and want to attend.

Fox

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 12:17 pm

Stay home, OP. Spend the time with your grandchildren so their parents can go.

This business of extending the chassunah to the point that all immediate family members must attend an entire week's worth of celebrations is out of hand. Not only does it add enormously to the cost of weddings, but it puts far too much pressure on everyone.

Yes, it's lovely if mechutanim can attend, but let's stop adding to the reasons for people to be hurt or offended.

Sebastian

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 12:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would stay home and babysit grandkids. If your son and dil are there I think its fine. mazal tov

amother

Mauve

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 12:28 pm

out-of-towner wrote:

I'm from OOT (obviously) and so is DH. At the time my parents lived a 10+ hour drive or 2 hour flight from ILs, and they had little kids at home. ILs made Shabbos Sheva Brachos because Ufruf and wedding were in my hometown, and my parents did not go to them. It was understandable and fine.

OP when you are dealing with people who live far from you it is understandable that you can't make it to everything. It's fine IMO, especially given that your husband isn't so mobile.

Same situation with me.

I can't say it felt very good that they missed it, but I understood and I still turned out ok.

chestnut

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 1:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you babysit your son's kids so they go for shabbos? Looks like a good solution.

amother

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 3:00 pm

amother Bone wrote:

How about being open with your son? Tell him about the options and ask him what he prefers. Hear what is more important to him...

My son understand completely that it is hard for my husband to drive a long distance and stay in someone else's house we don't know.

Sebastian

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 5:54 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

Yes this is great. Even better can you go with this couple and can another one of your married kids babysit this couples kids?

Her husband will be exhausted from the wedding and will want her home for shabbos probably probably. And a 7 hr drive is a lot for op also. If the chosson has his brother there and says he s ok with it, imo its fine.