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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Talking to girls about boys



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Dec 08 2022, 4:07 pm
We live OOT and our children go to a Chabad-run community school, meaning it attracts all types. Maybe half the kids are frum. So while we are happy with the quality of Jewish education, my kids are exposed to things. The current struggle is that my teen daughters have classmates who are dating already - at 14 and 15 years old. They are really nice girls. They just have very different values.
Tonight one daughter came to me and told me her classmate has been trying to set her up with her cousin and she feels really pressured. She told me she's seen this boy in shul and thought he was cute and she was attracted to him but doesn't want to talk to him or spend time because she knows it will just be a big waste of time and lead to trouble. I hugged her and told her I'm proud of her and that she made a very smart decision. But I feel like there is more that needs to be said.

I'm at such a loss about how to talk to frum girls about their feelings about boys and dating. They know the party line, "we date to marry, not to date". I mean more about feelings. They are teens with raging hormones. And since I'm a BT I don't know what it's like to be in their shoes - to have these feelings that you just cannot act upon.

Help.

P.S. Telling me to find a better school and/or community is not helpful FYI. That's not an option.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Thu, Dec 08 2022, 5:23 pm
Tell them it’s totally normal to be attracted to boys.
That’s what my mom told me, in town yeshivish.
Just because you are attracted to them doesn’t mean you have to act on those feelings
Until you’re ready to date seriously (for marriage)
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Dec 09 2022, 6:09 am
BUMP
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Dec 10 2022, 4:44 pm
One last effort here. I know this is not as exciting to you as Julia Hart or the Royal Whiners but boring real life mom here needing advice PLEASE and THANK YOU.
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mandr




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 10 2022, 4:48 pm
Can’t really do much if you put her into this situation. That’s why a good school and community are so important.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 10 2022, 4:49 pm
I'm really not sure you have anything you need to tell her right now. Sounds like you two have a good relationship. She talked and you listened and she was satisfied.

If you haven't got a problem then you haven't got a problem.
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amother
Oxfordblue


 

Post Sat, Dec 10 2022, 4:51 pm
Your daughter sounds really mature, confident, and in control. I would tell her so. I would also discuss the beauty of a Jewish marriage, and what someone mentioned above about about how as frum Yidden, we don't date until we are ready to find a husband to marry.
I'm sure there are many things that other kids in her school do, that you don't do because it's not in line with the Torah. Make it clear that this is one of those things.

Hopefully you'll get some better answers, my kids are young, this is a very tough situation. I think so far you did hands it well but definitely should raise the discussion again so that she has the right hashkafos. Also, give her a line to say to the girls so that they don't continue pestering her into finding a boyfriend. She needs to be firm and confident about it. If her friend cannot respect this, maybe not the best person for her to be spending time with...
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Sat, Dec 10 2022, 4:56 pm
I come from frum chasidish house. I had raging hormones from a very young age. Hit puberty very young. By 13 I had full obsessions with a few boys. One being my next door neighbour. He used to look over the fence when I was playing with friends and my belly would flutter.
One day I approached my mom and felt like I needed to confess ( I cringe now when I think back) . I told her that I lie in bed awake for hours dreaming of some boys and can't stop.
She looked at me and said, well done your healthy girl that can get married one day. She went to tell me how my sister had friends that didn't want to get married, they had feelings for girls only. She told me I should try fill up my mind with other exciting things as I cannot act upon it now, so it's no point. She just kept reminding me my feelings are normal. I am so grateful to my mom for talking to me that way. I listened and went on with life. Soon after I enrolled in dance classes and was so distracted and fulfilled that the intense feelings weakened.
I admire you for reaching out.
Hope this helps x
tune into your child. It's so important. Looking back, I always had obsessions and crushes. The times when I felt low my mind was completely taken away with these obsessive thoughts. When I was happy and fulfilled than I had courage to do what I had to at that age. Having feelings for boys is tough when u can't act upon it. I know all about it.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Sat, Dec 10 2022, 7:17 pm
Also I just want to say that most 15-16 year old boys aren’t dating for marriage either. You do have some people who marry their high school sweetheart but most don’t. So you can explain to her that having sx is something to be done with someone who is fully committed to her- promising to take care care of her (ie kesuba/ marriage)
And if you’re in a relationship with a guy, it’s very hard not to have sx once you’re in love.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Dec 11 2022, 7:38 am
Thank you so much ladies. This was all very helpful to hear. It's amazing to have been frum so many years already and still there are so many new ways in which I find myself inadequate and unsure. Really helps to hear everything is okay and normal and that I handled it okay. Thanks again!
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