ADHD and chores | Imamother

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 2:06 pm

amother Currant wrote:

my daughter's also bright (skipped grade) we aren't ready yet to try meds but I do think about it, would be curious to hear more of your experience, any side effects?

My son takes Vyvance. It has changed his life. Before he began taking it I thought he needed to be in a small special ed classroom. He has been on meds for almost 2 years. He is now on the top of his class. He has gained confidence and is even doing well socially. We have also done alot of therapy with him. I feel like medication has saved his life and is enabling him to function in society. The only side effect he has is some eye tics once in a while. B"h his sleeping and appetite have not been affected.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 3:07 pm

Also an adult with ADHD. I can remember these battles with my mother and just want to say be kind and give her grace because it is so hard to get into trouble because you can’t do something and have no idea how to fix it yourself. It’s appropriate to still have expectations, but reconsider how important they are to you and let it slide if you can. So if she has her own room, perhaps it only needs to be clean enough that there’s a walking path and then you just shut the door if it bothers you. Help her understand why you have expectations of her in terms of skills and responsibilities she needs to develop for adulthood and that an expectation not met isn’t ideal but that doesn’t make her a failure. I wouldn’t punish her unless she’s routinely chutzpadik about it.

As for ways to make it easier - I find that having a video, show, or podcast playing helps me because my brain can focus on that and get the stimulation it needs to keep going. Music helps a bit but not as much. This is the only way I can work effectively. If you allow videos, is there something that really holds her attention that she can have playing while she does her chores?

Or if there’s an activity she hyperfocuses on, let her do that and then have short chore breaks in the middle. That focus helps prime the brain and make boring things easier. For me I could hyperfocus on legos, so something like this could be “play with legos for 15-20 minutes and then do 10 min of xyz” it helps break it into chunks, which can decrease procrastination, and also gives little boosts in between.

Try to target times when she’s well-rested for tasks that she struggles with. I would not give her chores that need to be done at the end of a school day or before Shabbos (unless you see that the erev Shabbos panic helps her get up and go. I can get A LOT done erev Shabbos because the adrenaline helps). Give her things that she can do Sunday morning or whenever she has the most energy.

General organization: teach her “put things away, not down.” People with ADHD struggle with working memory, so once she’s onto the next task it’s gone and it’s a whole new task to go back and put it away. Make sure everything has a place close to where she might be using it, and help her get into the habit of putting things back where she got them instead of just setting them down.

amother

Peachpuff

Wed, Dec 14 2022, 2:24 am

I have ADHD and there were fights over my room as a kid.

In retrospect I wish my parents had helped me figure out how to clean. They thought it was about motivation but I honestly just couldn't do it. I would pick up two things, and then get stuck on the third thing for an hour, even if it was the dumbest thing. Like, sitting there reading a 5th-grade science report for twenty minutes and finally deciding I should keep it because maybe I'll need it again someday (at age 13, yeah? that's how ridiculous it got), and then putting it in what was going to be a pile of school papers to keep, adding maybe one more paper to the pile, and then walking off to do something else and promptly forgetting that the pile ever existed.

My parents basically gave up on cleanliness at some point. I don't blame them at all but it wasn't good for me. I didn't learn to clean/organize and figuring out how to do it as an adult was a long painful process. Honestly I'm still pretty terrible at it decades later.

It really would have helped me to have someone help me through the process. Like, teach me to deal with the easy things like throwing away garbage and getting dirty clothes into the laundry before getting into the harder decisions. And to make things look neat even if I haven't gone through 100% of the stuff and decided on permanent places for all of it. It also would really have helped to have way less stuff in my room, I'm not sure I would have agreed to throw things away but I could have at least put stuff into storage (I did this with a dd with ADHD and it helped her).

amother

Bergamot

Wed, Dec 14 2022, 8:10 am

LO wrote:

Thank you everyone! These are great! To the amother who had her daughter re-evaluated by someone who specializes in bright kids - can you tell me who you used?

We took her to Dr M Mandelman in Brooklyn (we’re in Lakewood). He evaluated her and then recommended Dr. Hizami to treat her. We used Dr.Hizami until recently (he recommended we switch because we had the option of someone who was in her school)

metacognizant

Wed, Dec 14 2022, 6:19 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Body doubling. That's the name of the technique, I didn't make it up Smile

. It means, you work while she works. She picks up the toys on her floor while you fold the clothes on her bed, or she loads the dishwasher while you wipe down the counters. IDK why it works but it does.

I think body doubling works because if a chore is not fun, and you have to do it alone, you can become resentful. If you have company, especially if that company is someone also doing chores, then it’s a social activity, which is inherently pleasant.

twogees

Wed, Dec 14 2022, 10:01 pm

My son who has ADHD getting him to clean his room was a disaster. One Sunday morning my husband and I started cleaning his room and then stopped so my son can continue. We basically told him that he needs to finish it. He needs to clean up for between 10-15 min daily and do what he can. Once his room is clean he will be getting a prize he likes. BH since he started taking medication for the ADHD, it's gotten easier to have him do tasks to help around the house.