Off-the-derech children

costanza

Thu, Jun 12 2008, 10:50 am

It is clear that every case is so unique. I don't think generalizations can be made. But I also feel the following:

1. Hashem created us with bechira chofshi. Even our children. They are thinking people and some of them may just not find a frum way of life to be fulfilling. Just as a BT rejects what they have been brought up with, so too it happens with frum kids rejecting their upbringing. Instead of thinking of it as a "gezeirah", maybe it would be easier to think of it as the kids exercising their ability to think for themselves. This should not be understood to mean that I am accepting of the choices they make to go off the derech, just a different way to look at it.

2. When some here use the metaphor of "not locking the door", I think they mean that in a greater sense than the physical home. I can understand that if you have a child who blatantly disregards Shabbos and kashrut and is beligerent in the home, it may not be wise to allow him/her to live there (as was described in the case above), but the child should know that you are there to support and love them for no other reason than you are their parent. They should never feel that they can't come back. No "disowning" should happen. Michalal Shabbos children are still part of B'nei Yisroel - and can still be good, productive people who do mitzvos that you just can't see.

amother

Thu, Jun 12 2008, 11:31 am

In my case, I know that the school is partially to blame. When my child was in 9th grade, there was an element within the school that left something to be desired. When my child did something (good), the principal alienated this child. (Some kids were drinking, and my child told the principal, who then told all the kids who told on them.) This set into motion my child not being liked by anyone. The child made friends with the only other student willing to be friends. It went downhill from there.

And yes, the school has handled things very poorly. But again, I talk to friends, and I hear these stories all the time. The schools are not equipped for truly dealing with the kids. Their needs are not being met.

There is always davening, which is basically all I have left. But I have been praying for this child for 3 years straight, and it seems like for now the answer is no. (Yeah, I know no prayer goes unheard, but it is hard to keep davening when you feel you are not accomplishing anything. No change. Nothing. The kid seems to be getting worse instead of better.)