3.5 year old screams for hours when Mommy is out or busy

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 5:39 pm

This is for a relative, we are crowdsourcing for ideas.

3.5 year old is a temper tantrum nightmare. She is sweet and calm and relatively quiet a lot of the time at home. But she is sweet one minute and a screaming mess the next.

The other kids aren't like this at all.

She is well behaved at preschool, teachers say no real tantrums there, not even separation anxiety at dropoff, so it doesn't seem to be a more global problem that appears in all settings.

Developmentally she seems fine, no sensory issues, age appropriate social skills (a bit shy but generally warms up within 10-15 minutes and seems in the range of normal), normal language skills (comprehension and expression), good motor skills, good play skills and no trouble entertaining herself, etc. No evidence of any developmental problems. No evidence of any physical health issues. No other behavioral issues. No apparent sensory issues. She isn't an anxious child. She seems generally happy when she isn't screaming or throwing a tantrum. She was an easy baby/younger toddler, the tantrum behavior started sometime in the last several months, gradually, not suddenly, and at first just seemed like normal toddler tantrums. The start was not connected to any illness, event, or life changes. No signs of abuse. Just the length of it and her inability and/or refusal to calm down have escalated.

When she doesn't get her way, she screams and cries and screams, sometimes hitting and kicking as well. It can last 10, 20, 40 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours. Much of it is about wanting Mommy to do things for her or with her or come to her or pay attention to her, when Mommy is busy or even just not giving her full attention, or doesn't do exactly what she wants. And if Mommy goes out, she literally screams the entire time until Mommy gets home, even for 2 hours. And if someone else picks her up from preschool, she screams the entire time from pickup until Mommy gets home, again even for 2 hours.

How do you handle this? Some of the behavior might warrant a time out (for example, she not only screams, but also hits, kicks, scratches, etc. - to Mommy when Mommy is busy or to Daddy when Mommy isn't there), but giving a time out isn't clear cut either. And when she is just crying or screaming, you can't really punish a 3.5 year old when she is only crying for her mother. You also can't hug/hold her for 2 hours straight because there are other children in the house to deal with who need significant attention or supervision as well.

Ideas appreciated!

amother

Lavender

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:06 pm

She sounds like she wants her mother. Where is her mother? Maybe mom needs to spend more time with her focused and being present.
Why isn’t mom picking her up from preschool? This sounds like a child who needs their mother.

amother

Amaranthus

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:08 pm

That baby needs her mum. STAT

amother

Hawthorn

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:11 pm

Her mother should spend as much quality time as possible with her. She also needs to be prepped about changes. They can try a chart and give rewards for calming down. And distraction usually works wonders.

amother

Lavender

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:12 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

She doesn’t need a chart to calm down. She needs her mother.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:13 pm

Why are we assuming the mother doesn't give her enough attention?

3.5 is old enough to understand. Boundaries can be set about the hitting, kicking and scratching.

For the tantrums, I'm not sure how best to stop them. The goal, I suppose, would be to get her to use her words. Maybe she can be encouraged to put her feelings into words in general, not only when tantruming. For example, if she seems upset, encourage her to express her feeling in words and why she is feeling that way. Then validate, and discuss possible solutions. These are tools that will be useful for her for life.

amother

Gray

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:22 pm

But what if mom can't be there at pick-up once in 3 months? or attends a wedding twice a month at night? I have a niece who, at 5, still wakes up every night at around 10 and will sit at her moms bed and cry until she gets home. This child was never left at a babysitter and perfectly fine the rest of the time. Surely a mother is allowed to leave a 5 year old with her dad or siblings occasionally?

amother

Lavender

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:28 pm

Most kids who have the presence of a focused mom in their life are perfectly fine for the once in while time mom has to go out. It’s the kids whose moms are too busy for them whether because of work or their social life whose kids are clingy and anxious when they leave. In general it’s important that a parent picks up a kid from preschool. It’s a long day for them and it’s so integral to have a parent be there for the kid after a long day.

amother

Gray

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:38 pm

Wow these replies are so judgmental.

amother

DarkPurple

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:44 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

This is harsh.

I might have sounded like you had I not had a tantrumming kid as well. I am really focused on giving my kids quality time. There could be other reasons too here, physically, developmentally, trauma etc. Many things have to do with the mom. Not everything. It doesn't help to keep piling the blame.

amother

Mistyrose

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 7:53 pm

IMHO- mom is being judged unfairly
Is she your youngest or is there a baby that possibly gets more attention
Maybe carve out some scheduled time with her
As soon as you pick her up do an activity
Have a snack all ready for her so she’s busy munching
Kids are “starving” as soon as they get home
together just the 2 of you
And then again bed time maybe she needs more snuggles
Take her grocery shopping just the 2 of you if possible
Prep dinner once everyone is sleeping the night before
Only leave once she’s asleep

Hope all this helps

Charts can be used for self reliance
Getting dressed by herself
Entertaining herself
Feeding herself
Etc.
But time with mommy should not be the prize

amother

Orange

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 8:01 pm

I know you said no illness and no sudden onset and everyone will be MAD at me for even suggesting this, and yell at me for ruining this thread, but this is exactly how my child’s pandas presented at the beginning. They had zero problem going to school or even to a friends house, but if I dared try to leave the house without her, there would be the most unimaginable rage. She had no other developmental issues and did not appear anxious otherwise, but this was clearly next level separation anxiety. Bh bh this behavior vanished when we realized she had a chronic strep infection with no typical strep symptoms and treated it.

amother

Electricblue

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 8:07 pm

amother Gray wrote:

Wow these replies are so judgmental.

Agreed. It’s disturbing.

amother

DarkCyan

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 8:32 pm

I think what people are trying to say is that it is very normal for a kid of that age to be very disappointed to be picked up from school by someone else or if their mother goes out for 2 hours and leaves them behind. Healthy attachment or not it's upsetting. Of course not all 3 year olds would react that exact way and also some 3 year olds would be fine with it. OP didn't give any more specific examples but for those two mentioned it seems very normal.

What are the practical solutions?

tichellady

Sat, Dec 31 2022, 9:34 pm

have they tried validating her feelings? role playing and acting out the situations when she is calm? reading books about mama leaving and coming back? some sort of stuffie to have when mama is gone? I wouldn't focus on punishment but trying to help give her coping skills when she's calm.

amother

Sun, Jan 01 2023, 5:30 am

Mommy is present every single morning and does pick up almost every day consistently (recently, Daddy does pick up once a week so there is still a parent picking up the kids, so Mommy can take care of something medical which can't be rescheduled but will only be for a few months, and Mommy comes home within 1-2 hours so is home well before dinner). She is very present on weekends as well. Once in a while she has to go out to run necessary errands without the kids, this is usually short and not frequent. She is quite hands on when she is home, playing and reading with the kids, and involving them in what she's doing (e.g., has them be her little helpers while cooking or cleaning). Definitely 3 year olds need lots of time and attention from their mother, but the amount of objective time that Mom is home seems reasonable (she is not home up to 2-4 hours at most over the entire week, and during those times Daddy is with them so they still get parental attention), and she gives them lots of attention when she is there, so I don't think that is the root of the problem.

There are both older and younger children at home as well, so Mommy has recently added quality time one on one just with this child, including a special outing with Mommy, to help, so good suggestion. No big difference on the major tantrums, but still important time together and maybe it just needs longer to have a broader effect.

Rewards, bribes, charts, etc. have yet to have a significant impact, but maybe it just takes time?

Distraction does not work well, this kid is determined. Or you distract her for 10 minutes and then she starts screaming again. It isn't feasible to distract her actively the whole time because there are other kids as well. If anyone has great distraction techniques, open to ideas.

We like the idea of role playing or trying to give skills at times when things are calm. They have tried discussing it with her when it isn't happening to let her voice her feelings (when she is having a tantrum, she rarely expresses anything more coherent than 'Mommy, come now' and just repeats that while screaming incoherently), but maybe a more play based way would work better at this age.

If anyone has more suggestions about practical tools for this age, also appreciated.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Jan 01 2023, 5:45 am

Supernannys house rules and time outs.

amother

Blushpink

Sun, Jan 01 2023, 9:47 am

amother Orange wrote:

This makes the most sense. Have her checked.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Jan 01 2023, 11:12 am

It sounds like mom is around and that’s good. Don’t do time outs and charts/ punishments. That’s not going to help her at the root. Empathy and validation can go a long way. Check for pinworms as well as that’s very common at the preschool age and can present as irritability.

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