When one kid gets a nosh and others are jealous

amother

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 11:18 am

Let’s say my 8 yo or 6 yo get a nosh in school but don’t eat in in school bec there’s not enough time, how can I figure out a way for the kid to eat their nosh but the rest of my kids not to be jealous or to handle their jealous feelings?
Today I gave my oldest a note with a nosh for excellent behavior and where /how is he supposed to enjoy it without younger siblings crying that it’s not fair?

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 11:24 am

if it's a little jelly I don't make a big deal. This is his now, and sometimes you have treats that he doesn't...

If it's something more major, like a danish, ice cream, or something special I made a rule. It's not nice to eat something like that in front of everybody and not share. Either you eat it when no one is around, or you share with everyone. So older kid can eat it when younger one is sleeping. Younger one can eat it when older one isn't home from school yet....

It's not a secret that they have it put away. But it's just not nice to sit and enjoy a big ice cream while everyone stands around drooling.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 11:27 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

I agree with this. It's not nice, or a good middah, to eat a treat in front of everyone and not share. My kids have to eat their goodies outside or in their room.

amother

White

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 11:33 am

Make it a teachable moment. We all get different things at different times. Remember something the others kids did that was praiseworthy and give them each a treat too. Show them how to be happy for each other and how they all benefit together. Like we are all so proud of big brother and have a little treat party.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 11:41 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

Great time to teach the concept we all get different things at different times. Life isn’t equal.

I agree and try to teach this when kid has an extra snack or prize from rebbi.
One day my son went to a friends house. They baked cookies. He came home with a huge pan with tons of cookies with different toppings... He didn't want to share. My other kids were drooling. That's when I made this rule... Not so much to protect the other kids. But to teach my son that it isn't nice to sit down to a platter of cookies and not share.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 11:58 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

I do this too.

If it's the type of snack that can be put away, I would also encourage the child to take it for snack the next day to school.

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 12:12 pm

I specifically do the opposite.
I encourage my kids to look out for one another and share.
And when you share this time, next time the other child will share with you. This is specifically for siblings. I want to teach them to look out for one another and take care of each other. To celebrate in each others’ successes and not be resentful or jealous. No one is forced to share but it happens to be they each save for the others without being told. BH! And I follow that rule too. Anything I eat in front of them, I share, with a smile, (even if I don’t want to!)
This is for siblings.
For friends, my rule is like others stated; it’s rude to eat a treat in front of another person and not share so either save it for another time or share the wealth.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 12:16 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

Great time to teach the concept we all get different things at different times. Life isn’t equal.

It depends on what the child has. If it's a small treat, then I agree with this. But if it's something major, it's not nice to eat it in front of others and not share. It applies to me as a mom as well. If I want to eat a treat and not have to share with the kids, I eat it in private.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Dec 11 2022, 1:33 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

Oh I can't get away with eating a cookie crumb in front of kids and not sharing!

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 6:43 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

What if a nice older lady gives one boy a lolly
And the only other children who get are the very agressive ones

Why are nice old ladies giving kids lollies? Confuses them about stranger danger. If nice old lady knows the family she should give all the kids.

amother

Trillium

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 6:49 pm

amother Dandelion wrote:

Absolutely 💯 this. I would never reward just one kid with a treat. We are all celebrating each other- I give everyone a treat. The worst thing in the world is fostering jealousy between siblings. Bh this is so ingrained in my kids that if someone comes home with a treat from their rebbe he will usually give a little (if he hasn't eaten it in school) or, if it's something really little, will put it away to enjoy later. Yes of course they know the reality of life is not equal always and one might come home with a Goody bag or something and I don't say anything- they will instinctively give a little something. Also, if I give one a treat if we are out of the house just us, they will make me buy also for their siblings. Of course!
Birthdays? The birthday kids chooses a "big" gift and everyone else picks out a smaller chatchke.

imasinger

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 7:38 pm

I'm all for kids being gently encouraged to share their good fortune, and to not eat a bigger treat in front of others, but I'm a little taken aback by buying siblings presents, even small ones, so they don't feel jealous of the birthday kid.

At some point, kids need to learn that fair is not the same as equal.

amother

Trillium

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 7:41 pm

imasinger wrote:

It's definitely not "so they don't feel jealous " it's because we are all celebrating. It's fun for everyone to be excited for everyone else's birthday. Why not? Whatever. It works for us.