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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
DS watch inappropiate video's even though installed filter
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:15 pm
We installed Netspark filter on our Tablet.
I've browsing through Youtube history, and found out that my DS age 14 has been watching video's "F****, Mom caught us in bed together" and " omg. 3 is the best" and the video of one by and 2 girls in bed together.

I'm not sure confronting him about is the rigjy way, since I'm expect him getting all defensive or even lie.

Also, he turned on the Bluetooth on the Tablet and connected it with the Nintendo Switch to watch stuff there ( history is clran, only "Top 20 Nintendo Games")

I learned that my DS is very smart, may he use it for better thing.
He's 14 so I assume that nowadays it's normal.

But I'm upset, because I thought that I could keep him innocent.
Upset, that even though I installed and paid for a Filter, he still managed to get to watch it.
(Yes, I know, the filter setting was set to low.
Because I was worried of his reaction of I would set on stringest. In his mind TAG=brainwashing)

I'm hoping that by me writing here, I could get my frustration of my chest and hopefully some reassurence that because of video's he watched at 14 he won't become an P**** addict later.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:18 pm
amother OP wrote:
We installed Netspark filter on our Tablet.
I've browsing through Youtube history, and found out that my DS age 14 has been watching video's "F****, Mom caught us in bed together" and " omg. 3 is the best" and the video of one by and 2 girls in bed together.

I'm not sure confronting him about is the rigjy way, since I'm expect him getting all defensive or even lie.

Also, he turned on the Bluetooth on the Tablet and connected it with the Nintendo Switch to watch stuff there ( history is clran, only "Top 20 Nintendo Games")

I learned that my DS is very smart, may he use it for better thing.
He's 14 so I assume that nowadays it's normal.

But I'm upset, because I thought that I could keep him innocent.
Upset, that even though I installed and paid for a Filter, he still managed to get to watch it.
(Yes, I know, the filter setting was set to low.
Because I was worried of his reaction of I would set on stringest. In his mind TAG=brainwashing)

I'm hoping that by me writing here, I could get my frustration of my chest and hopefully some reassurence that because of video's he watched at 14 he won't become an P**** addict later.


You’re worrying about what will happen later? You need to worry about now!
Get to a therapist immediately and get guidance on how to handle this.
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amother
Steelblue


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:21 pm
A good filter will filter YouTube content as well. There’s some very bad stuff on YouTube. Clearly the filter you have installed isn’t working correctly. You need to take care of it.

Prn can do some disturbing things to a developing teenager’s mind. If he only saw a few then I assume he’s just started with this and you can still nip it in the bud.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:22 pm
I'm not running for therapy because he stumbled on some random video's by accident and watch them.
Netspark filter works for searches, but this must of come up by reccomendation or even on the main page.
Boys are boys, and the Yetzer Hara is very big to to watch this stuff when it comes up.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:24 pm
amother Steelblue wrote:
A good filter will filter YouTube content as well. There’s some very bad stuff on YouTube. Clearly the filter you have installed isn’t working correctly. You need to take care of it.

Prn can do some disturbing things to a developing teenager’s mind. If he only saw a few then I assume he’s just started with this and you can still nip it in the bud.


And besides uping the Filter, what would you recommend to "nip the problem in the bud" ?
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:25 pm
amother OP wrote:
I'm not running for therapy because he stumbled on some random video's by accident and watch them.
Netspark filter works for searches, but this must of come up by reccomendation or even on the main page.
Boys are boys, and the Yetzer Hara is very big to to watch this stuff when it comes up.

So what sort of advice are you seeking?
Are you looking for prevention in future? My advice would be to have better filters and also to have computer use to be done in the living area of the house where are others are coming and going.
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amother
Steelblue


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:25 pm
Delete
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amother
Steelblue


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:29 pm
amother OP wrote:
And besides uping the Filter, what would you recommend to "nip the problem in the bud" ?
Someone should discuss what he saw with him so he can properly process it. I don’t know who or what would be the best choice for that.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:30 pm
amother Steelblue wrote:
A good filter will filter YouTube content as well. There’s some very bad stuff on YouTube. Clearly the filter you have installed isn’t working correctly. You need to take care of it.

Prn can do some disturbing things to a developing teenager’s mind. If he only saw a few then I assume he’s just started with this and you can still nip it in the bud.


Bad assumption.
And most kids know how to get around any filters and obstacles.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:31 pm
amother OP wrote:
I'm not running for therapy because he stumbled on some random video's by accident and watch them.
Netspark filter works for searches, but this must of come up by reccomendation or even on the main page.
Boys are boys, and the Yetzer Hara is very big to to watch this stuff when it comes up.


Huh? How are you so sure he stumbled upon them? That’s a big assumption.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:32 pm
amother Steelblue wrote:
Someone should discuss what he saw with him so he can properly process it. I don’t know who or what would be the best choice for that.


OP says he watched more than one or two so he’s obviously already processed, liked it and sought to watch more, even on the Nintendo.
This needs professional guidance at this point,
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amother
Snapdragon


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:35 pm
He didn’t stumble on it he searched for it. You need to have a discussion about why it’s wrong and unhealthy and explain what real s-x is about so that he doesn’t have issues about expectations down the line.
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:36 pm
If anyone here ever listens to the "mislaibeled" podcasts (on Spotify and YouTube) the most recent one was on this topic. I thought it was well done. The therapists being interviewed was named Binyamin Tepfer, I think. He was clearly knowledgeable and laid out the facts. But not in a hysteria driven or fatalistic way. Not explicit or overly detailed, either, it's clearly geared for a frum audience. Probably helpful for concerned parents of teens to listen to.
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:42 pm
I think it’s pretty obvious that this is a child who should not be left unsupervised with any kind of internet connected device anytime in the near future. Period.
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amother
Green


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:43 pm
Set it to the strictest filter. That's what it's for.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:44 pm
amother Eggshell wrote:
I think it’s pretty obvious that this is a child who should not be left unsupervised with any kind of internet connected device anytime in the near future. Period.


But that won’t solve his problem. He’ll just go underground to do it secretly,
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amother
Mocha


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:04 pm
Bh he is a normal healthy Male (not be taken for granted these days) now you have the conversation explaining its unhealthy and the torah says gaird your eyes and say that's why we stay away.
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amother
Heather


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:09 pm
amother OP wrote:
I'm not running for therapy because he stumbled on some random video's by accident and watch them.
Netspark filter works for searches, but this must of come up by reccomendation or even on the main page.
Boys are boys, and the Yetzer Hara is very big to to watch this stuff when it comes up.

Unfortunately your son did not stumble on some random video by accident. He is watching p0rn deliberately and will soon learn how to hide his tracks more effective. Please get professional guidance as to how to handle this properly. Noe is the time before he descends into real hard core stuff that a 14 year old should not be processing. Do not underestimate the amount of p0rn he has already seen. Now is your chance to help him address this in a healthy way. Don’t squander it.
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:50 pm
amother Mocha wrote:
Bh he is a normal healthy Male (not be taken for granted these days) now you have the conversation explaining its unhealthy and the torah says gaird your eyes and say that's why we stay away.

This is a bit simplistic. I really do recommend that podcast I mentioned previously.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:51 pm
Some people will disagree with my approach here, but I'll post anyway.

I dont think this is panicworthy. But I think its very important that you guys have a verrrrry open heart to heart talk with him. Explain to him that his physical feelings are normal and healthy,(DONT let him feel that his thoughts or physical reactions means something is wrong with him!) that if he gets hard , has wet dreams etc that is a normal healthy response and Hashem created him that way on purpose so that he should have a loving and romantic zxual relationship with his wife one day. That s-x is wonderful, when between man and wife, its a mitzvah and a positive thing. And thay he will use all that one day. But that that day is not today, and that the next few years are going to be challenging but important ones, and hes going to have to temporarily put these urges aside until he meets his wife....tell him (nothing to do with being Jewish) the problems of prn watching and the negative effects on adult marriage relationships...

Etc etc etc

Truthfully, I never put much stock in the filter approach. Yes we filter our devices, but we view filters as a last line defense, in case everything else fails. Our first line defense is to have the above mentioned talk with our kids at the earliest onset of teenhood, and other slightly "tamer" talks when they are children and preteens (that talks about internet safety, choosing which videos and websites to go to-we show them when we, the parents, decide not to choose a certain book for ourselves from the library based on reviews, or choose not to click a certain website or choose to close a video that popped up etc. We alert them, and show them, and explain to them about protecting our neshamas.)

Our kids have lots of internet use, on purpose, while under supervision and our guidance. Because our belief is that the only way for them to have a chance when theyre older is to have been familiar with it and all its challenges through their formative years, under parental guidance. And our kids are very open with us about what theyve seen, what they think they should avoid, etc

Im not saying we should naively just talk to them and assume they'll listen and never put a toe out of line. Theyre curious, I get it. And when theyre teens they are curious plus they have physical feelings. So its hard. But I am saying that talking to them and having them openly involved is WAY more effective than not prepping them and hoping their childhood will have everything negative filtered out.
A friend of mine who uses this open approach just told me that her 17 year old yeshiva bochur (in one of the very right wing yeshivas) told her very casually in moddle of a conversation about yeshiva life "ma, its crazy, someone in my class keeps sending prn content to peoples phones...I feel bad, I watched a few but then I made myself stop. I just want him to stop sending but I dont want to say anything..." and by involving his mother, who had been open with him about this topic for years, he was able to get her help navigating the situation.

(To prove my point about why I dont like relying on filters and technological barriers to keep our kods sheltered-in this yeshiva case, im sure people here are thinking "that couldnt happen to my son, he has a filtered phone/flip phone/filtered flip phone...".
Well, do you know how simple it is to record the prn playing from another device, and send it as your own video file to anyone else's simple/filtered phone? No websites, no links, no apps...

Also, my little brother was in a verrrrry yeshivish elementary school when one boy brought in prnogrphic magazine photos. Not as bad as videos but believe me it was bad enough. Then in 9th grade, again in a very yeshivish school, before the days of smartphones, a classmate brought in some old fashioned clunky device that had prn videos on it and half the class was glued to it during recess before the hanhala found out. )
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