Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Dh annoyed by DS and hat wearing
1  2  3  4  5  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:41 pm
DS is in mid twenties somehow connected with a Rav in Brooklyn and was invited for shabbos. He was very excited as this was something totally different for him and a unique opportunity. It is not our minhag to wear a hat. DH heard from other DS that DS borrowed a black hat from a friend to wear to Brooklyn for shabbos so he will not stand out. DH thinks this is ridiculous, aside from the fact that he did not share with us that was his plan- not that he has to, but seems like he was hiding it... I would hide it too knowing dh's reaction, and yeh he doesn't have to answer to us- although we are paying his living expenses.... I don't get why DS would be embarrassed to just wear his kippah. DD tried to explain to me its like wearing a purple shabbos shirt when everyone wears white.. I don't see it as the same thing. I see it and DH sees it as he embarrassed by our minhagim... I am praying dh doesn't say anything to him and keeps his sarcastic remarks to me. I don't know why dh just can't let it go...he holds on to it too much- I don't get it. ... thanks for letting me vent.
Back to top

amother
Watermelon


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:43 pm
I’m sorry why are you controlling him? You don’t get to tell him what to wear just because you help with living expenses. This is crossing serious boundaries. He’s old enough to decide he wants to meet a rav, go to a rav, and dress as he likes while there.
Back to top

amother
Aster


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:44 pm
It's not atypical for boys to find their own derech in yiddishkeit. And your son is in his twenties... he's an adult. Really, it's none of DH's business. This is very minor. He's not smoking pot or being mechallel shabbos. He's dressing more yeshivish, making decisions how he wants to serve Hashem, as he should. Live and let live.
Back to top

notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:44 pm
He is an adult and can wear what he wants. Honestly, not following a minhag should be your biggest chinuch issue and I think something is very wrong if DH turns into a major deal.
Back to top

amother
Ginger


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:44 pm
Crying I hope he doesn't let a hat ruin his relationship with his son!
(What he would have said "I'm removing my yarlmulka because my new friends don't wear one"?)
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:46 pm
amother Watermelon wrote:
I’m sorry why are you controlling him? You don’t get to tell him what to wear just because you help with living expenses. This is crossing serious boundaries. He’s old enough to decide he wants to meet a rav, go to a rav, and dress as he likes while there.


We haven't said anything to DS and hopefully this was just for DS to feel less like he stands out... but wearing a hat is a minhag and it is not our minhag. Are we allowed to eat start waiting 3 hours if minhag is 6? rice on pesach if its not our minhag? Minhagim are not meant to be changed... that's my issue.
Back to top

amother
Acacia


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:46 pm
Your DS is trying out different Minhagim. Get your DH on board so you can tell DS you are proud of his going to different places, Shuls, Rabbi's. I think your son did the right thing by getting a hat, and not bothering you with it. it's not that DS is embarrassed of his Kippah. He just wanted to fit in and see what it's like so he doesn't have to feel the whole world is watching him. He wants to watch others.
Back to top

amother
Snowdrop


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:46 pm
My ds is younger than yours and is going through a very frum phase now. My dh reacts in the same way as yours and my son has been hiding all the extra frum stuff that he does. I understand why he does and I try to respond in more open minded ways to let him know we love him the way he is and regardless of whether he takes on different minhags than what his parents are used to.
I just wish dh could tone down his reactions as well...
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:47 pm
amother Ginger wrote:
Crying I hope he doesn't let a hat ruin his relationship with his son!
(What he would have said "I'm removing my yarlmulka because my new friends don't wear one"?)

agree!!! BH he is a great boy, so hopefully DH is just whining at me and I am whining at all of you. : ).
Back to top

amother
Aster


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:47 pm
amother OP wrote:
We haven't said anything to DS and hopefully this was just for DS to feel less like he stands out... but wearing a hat is a minhag and it is not our minhag. Are we allowed to eat start waiting 3 hours if minhag is 6? rice on pesach if its not our minhag? Minhagim are not meant to be changed... that's my issue.

Not the same thing at all. He is growing in yiddishkeit. It's not a halachic issue to wear a hat, that's not a thing.
Back to top

amother
Valerian


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:47 pm
Tell your husband that borrowing a black hat doesn’t make him a black hatter. It’s just to fit in. Not a big deal at all. It’s not like he put on a cross to fit in or compromise on Halacha in any way. And also tell him that even if your son is “frumming out” (doesn’t sound like it) he’s much prefer that over taking off his kippa and going OTD. Putting on a “frummer” garb is not something to get upset about. Doing the opposite to fit in would be a concern
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:48 pm
amother Snowdrop wrote:
My ds is younger than yours and is going through a very frum phase now. My dh reacts in the same way as yours and my son has been hiding all the extra frum stuff that he does. I understand why he does and I try to respond in more open minded ways to let him know we love him the way he is and regardless of whether he takes on different minhags than what his parents are used to.
I just wish dh could tone down his reactions as well...


YES!!!!!! Thank you!!! I hear you!!!
Back to top

NechaMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:49 pm
Your DD explained it best.
He didn’t want to be the only one wearing a purple shirt in a place where everyone wears white.
Be grateful he respects others and wants to blend in. Like others said, if he’d take OFF his yarmulke you’d have a bigger problem.
May this be the biggest rebellion you come across with your kids chinuch!
Back to top

amother
Watermelon


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:50 pm
amother OP wrote:
We haven't said anything to DS and hopefully this was just for DS to feel less like he stands out... but wearing a hat is a minhag and it is not our minhag. Are we allowed to eat start waiting 3 hours if minhag is 6? rice on pesach if its not our minhag? Minhagim are not meant to be changed... that's my issue.


Wearing a hat is not so serious. There is no minhag that says you can’t wear one and that it’s a problem. You aren’t makpid to wear one, him wanting it isn’t doing anything wrong to you. And he’s an adult if he chooses not to follow your minhagim you’ll have to accept that and hopefully you won’t push him away for something as silly as a hat.
Back to top

amother
Acacia


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:50 pm
amother OP wrote:
We haven't said anything to DS and hopefully this was just for DS to feel less like he stands out... but wearing a hat is a minhag and it is not our minhag. Are we allowed to eat start waiting 3 hours if minhag is 6? rice on pesach if its not our minhag? Minhagim are not meant to be changed... that's my issue.


I know plenty of families that their children have changed their Minhagim when they left home. Instead of 6 hrs, they wait 3. Kitniyot on Pesach. This is not your call. your minhagim you can follow in your home. Your children might do differently when they move out.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:51 pm
amother Aster wrote:
Not the same thing at all. He is growing in yiddishkeit. It's not a halachic issue to wear a hat, that's not a thing.


I have to disagree- wearing a black hat just means you want to look "frummer"- that doesn't show growing in yiddishkeit- growing in yiddishkeit to me you are learning more, helping others, tzedaka chessed- the garb is not yiddishekti and that is where I get concerned... One of my rebbeim used to say the greatest navi of all time - Moshe rabbeinu did not wear a black hat.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:52 pm
amother Acacia wrote:
I know plenty of families that their children have changed their Minhagim when they left home. Instead of 6 hrs, they wait 3. Kitniyot on Pesach. This is not your call. your minhagim you can follow in your home. Your children might do differently when they move out.


That is so interesting-
I am really appreciating this conversation and learning so much.
if we can so easily change minhagim what is the point of a minhag? Isn't the idea that we pass down our customs from generation to generation- that's what make so incredible of a people.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:53 pm
NechaMom wrote:
Your DD explained it best.
He didn’t want to be the only one wearing a purple shirt in a place where everyone wears white.
Be grateful he respects others and wants to blend in. Like others said, if he’d take OFF his yarmulke you’d have a bigger problem.
May this be the biggest rebellion you come across with your kids chinuch!


Amen!!!
Back to top

amother
Aster


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:54 pm
amother OP wrote:
I have to disagree- wearing a black hat just means you want to look "frummer"- that doesn't show growing in yiddishkeit- growing in yiddishkeit to me you are learning more, helping others, tzedaka chessed- the garb is not yiddishekti and that is where I get concerned... One of my rebbeim used to say the greatest navi of all time - Moshe rabbeinu did not wear a black hat.

He is adding, not subtracting. It is not a problem halachically, at all. As another poster said, would you want him to take off his yarmulke? He is just adding an extra covering.

Would your dh not wear an extra cap/hat on Purim because he's "not allowed to"? There is no halachic issue here. It is nothing like waiting less hours before fleishig than the minhag he grew up with.
Back to top

amother
DarkViolet


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:55 pm
amother OP wrote:
We haven't said anything to DS and hopefully this was just for DS to feel less like he stands out... but wearing a hat is a minhag and it is not our minhag. Are we allowed to eat start waiting 3 hours if minhag is 6? rice on pesach if its not our minhag? Minhagim are not meant to be changed... that's my issue.

Is this a joke? I don’t think the minhagim you listed can be compared to wearing a hat. The minhagim are part of your mesorah. Wearing a hat started 2 generations ago. I think that now a days wearing a hat is worn by ultra orthodox yeshiva guys, guys who are more machmir to keep halacha more stringently. It’s not a minhag thing. It’s showing what crowd you belong to. He’s in his 20s and wants to grow in yedishkeit, why would you stop him???
Back to top
Page 1 of 5 1  2  3  4  5  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
What are your kids wearing?
by amother
10 Mon, Mar 18 2024, 6:26 pm View last post
What style shoes are jr hi girls wearing for shabbos this ss
by amother
3 Sun, Mar 17 2024, 11:07 pm View last post
Black Hat storage
by amother
5 Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:04 pm View last post
Cheapest place for down hat - Brooklyn
by amother
4 Sun, Feb 18 2024, 2:43 pm View last post
Teen wearing make up
by amother
7 Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:13 pm View last post