How to answer sons questions

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 9:35 pm

My 8 year old son has been having a lot of deep questions. Lately it seems to overtake him. Like he thinks about it too much and cries himself to sleep sometimes. Questions about life and the world? He told me today that he wants to die (ch"v) because he can't handle not knowing the answers.

What does forever mean?
What was before the world? What does beginning of time mean?
Who created G-d?
What does it mean the world was nothing?

I first tried telling him that we sometimes have to accept that we just don't know and believe that whatever Hashem does is good.
Then tried telling him to try when he thinks about it to think of other things (that's what I do when my mind goes down this road...)

Any suggestions what to do or who to talk to about it? He asked me that he wants to talk to Rabbi YY Jacobson. Is that something he would do? Any other ideas?

Thank you all!

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 9:49 pm

I would assume they’re stemming from anxiety and ocd and not from a healthy place and try to address that.

yiddishmom

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 9:50 pm

Wow, your son seems very inquisitive and a deep thinker!

I think you should reach out to Rabbi Jacobson. If he is not available, reach out to another rav.

I think it would be good for you, as the mother, to form a relationship with a knowledgeable Rav who can handle such questions. If he already has these questions at 8 years old, you can assume that more will come throughout the years. And it's always good to have a rav to check in with.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 9:51 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

I would assume they’re stemming from anxiety and ocd and not from a healthy place and try to address that.

He's in general a happy kid. Not anxious at all.
I thought it's coming from being a deep thinker, no?
Isn't it legitimate questions that he needs to be spoken to how to deal with?

yiddishmom

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 10:17 pm

He has anxiety, but it comes because of his deep thinking.

I think a warm, caring and knowledgeable rav can really help him.

If the anxiety doesn't affect him in other areas, I don't think he needs the "regular " therapy.

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 10:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

He's in general a happy kid. Not anxious at all.
I thought it's coming from being a deep thinker, no?
Isn't it legitimate questions that he needs to be spoken to how to deal with?

Thinking too much and crying himself to sleep and that he wants to doe sounds a bit much.

The reason it's important to figure it out is if it's indeed anxiety, speaking to a rav and getting him answers is the opposite of what he needs, and will be feeding him intrusive thoughts.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jan 19 2023, 10:23 pm

He needs to be heard out and get lots of time and attention from you.

Yes, it does sound anxiety based, but he also needs answers.

IMO the more you educate yourself by listening to shiurim and reading books about emunah, the better off you both will be. If you can get yourself to be a deep thinker along with him, you can both enjoy the journey.

The concerning part is where it bothers him so much that he says he wants to die. That is not typical, and it's important to get to the root of it.

amother

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 12:44 am

yiddishmom wrote:

Thank you for your kind response.
He had deep questions from very young. Up until now I felt that I can deal with it inhouse. Now that he's older and it's more intense I feel like I need guidance.

amother

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 12:48 am

yiddishmom wrote:

Thank you! I hope Rabbi YY should be kind enough to help. My son once hear him while I listened to him. I was listening to him answering questions that kids sent in. It somehow resonated with my son who really liked his answers and way of thinking. So now he asked me if he can send him his questions. I think he would accept an answer from him.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 1:44 am

He also needs therapy and possible a psychiatrist for meds.
Zoloft has helped me a lot when I’ve had this thought pattern.

amother

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 8:09 am

amother Oldlace wrote:

He also needs therapy and possible a psychiatrist for meds.
Zoloft has helped me a lot when I’ve had this thought pattern.

Thanks to all responses.
I think meds and therapy is a drastic first step when I haven't tried anything else yet. Maybe I exaggerated in my op. It's not like he's crying day and night about it. Sometimes he lets his mind wander and he can't get himself out of it.

amother

Sage

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 9:25 am

I have a son like this and I'm almost afraid to post because I realize how specific each child is.

I found that talking a lot about topics that bothered him relived some of the anxiety. Having something to answer himself even it was not the "right" answer allowed his brain to quiet and move on.
At some point he became obsessed with death and specifically what would happen to him and his siblings in case me and DH die CHV. It was a really uncomfortable discussion but actually talking him through what the options are and letting him know that he won't be alone let him put it to rest. He brought it up a few times and we discussed and then he moved on.

At some point his anxiety extended to other situations, and he went to therapy for a short time. BH his therapist was a great match and taught him coping strategies and enabled him to not get stuck

I found the "what to do when...." books to be really helpful to do together with him.
Being that he is a deep thinker, he enjoyed the challenge of discussing and responding to the questions

What to Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck

What to Do When You Worry Too Much

ra_mom

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

Write all this in your email to Rabbi Jacobson, so it resonates with him.

amother

Green

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 10:37 am

You may want to look at Rabbi Breitowitz's Q&A podcasts and see if there is some helpful material. He deals with a lot of questions from BTs like that.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/.....38239

At some point, your son may also benefit from knowing that chazal and Rishonim wondered about similar things. He is not alone. The way kids are taught in school is usually very narrow, and they don't get exposed to the full range of classical sources, which is much broader. He's not a bad Jew for not being fully satisfied with the elementary school version.

See part 4 of the below article for more information.
https://thelehrhaus.com/commen.....cism/

The author of the article emphasizes that this approach is not for all children, and it will be up to you and your husband to decide if it would be positive or negative for your son:

[F]or many students these texts will only serve to heighten their confusion and make them less sure of what they can or should believe. But for others, just knowing that they exist can serve as the life preserver that keeps them tethered to our tradition....

amother

Green

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 10:41 am

Also, I think it would be much more beneficial for him to discuss these topics with a knowledgeable local rav with whom he can form an ongoing connection than a well-known speaker-type rav like Rav Jacobson whose time is going to be very limited.

amother

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 12:02 pm

Wow thank you all for taking the time to respond. So much insight. Thanks for the links and book suggestions!
Will look into it

imasinger

Fri, Jan 20 2023, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I love the answers on this thread!

That being said, I was interested to try to answer these on an 8 year old level. Just for fun, here's what I came up with:

"Take a pencil and paper, and draw a line. Can you point to where the line begins and ends? Humans are good at that. Is there anything before the line begins? White paper? The table? What if you kept going, out of the house, out the door, and so on?

The idea of forever is hard to understand, in time or in space. Maybe it means beyond a human ability to measure. And maybe it means without ever, ever stopping. How could there be anything before that?

Well, in the beginning, there was Hashem. The 4 letters of Hashem's name come from the Hebrew "to be". Hashem is the One that always was, always is, and always will be. The beginning of time is when Hashem began to create, but Hashem was before that. During that time and space, before Hashem created, there was nothing else but Hashem.

You made that line. Who made the pencil? The paper? The table you're writing on? Who made the people that made them?

If you follow the line back or forward, it always comes to Hashem, the first. There's nothing before that because Hashem is always. We can't really understand that because our brains are programmed to think about stops and starts. But Hashem is more.

We're so lucky that Hashem is more! We have to work to understand so much, but anything about forever is Hashem's department.

If you put on a sweatshirt with a big hood, and leaned forward, you wouldn't see where your line began or ended. You wouldn't have the right perspective. We can know that something without a beginning or end is a mystery to people, but Hashem can do it.

Does that answer your questions?"

amother

Firebrick

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 2:22 pm

I took a course for gifted children.
She suggested pulling out the sefarim that discuss these topics- a Rambam, hashkafa sefarim etc.and saying
That's an amazing question. These sefarim deal with just these questions! Our gedolim throughout the centuries have written about it.

Very often, with gifted kids, the fact that an answer exists calms them down for long enough to be able to get out of the stuck position. Then when they are less stressed you can try to explain at an age appropriate level.

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:06 pm

Thank you imasinger for the time and thought to write your response! As usual on target good advice!

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:09 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

thank you
You are right that him knowing that there were greater people that got some understanding would make him happy.
He's upset saying that even if he'd be smarter he still doesn't think he'd understand. That unatainability is hard for him.

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