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Helping a child get over fear



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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:06 pm
My oldest is a scaredy cat. He’s anxious to try new things. I am like that too and I regret how it inhibited me and my parents never helped me address it.

We want to do a boat ride for midwinter but ds is saying he’s scared he will fall into the water. What’s the best way to respond so I can validate his fear and also possibly help him get to a place that he can face that fear and try this out?

I know he will love it if he only overcomes his fear and I don’t want him to live life afraid of everything like I did.
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Redbird




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:28 pm
Firstly, don't refer to him as a scaredy cat!

Don't shame him for being scared. Build him up. Focus on the positives, praise him for being brave every time he pushes himself to do something that he feels scared or uncomfortable with. Maybe you can remind of times in the past that he was brave.

Feelings are real, and are trying to tell us something, but it doesn't mean they are always right. So tell him that it's normal to have feelings of being scared, and we can thank those feelings for trying to protect us, and tell those feelings that we will be ok doing whatever it is, because we are taking measures to be safe, and mommy and tatty are here, etc.

It seems you are ashamed of your fearfulness, and therefore blame yourself that he is fearful. And then that carries over to you being ashamed of him too. Try to be more compassionate with yourself. Its not you're fault. You should have had help as a kid. ❤️

If you learn to be more accepting of your own struggles, (which is a lot of work,) it will help you also deal with his struggles in a more positive way, too.

Hatzlocha!
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:30 pm
Thanks that post is very helpful. Just to clarify obviously I would never call him a scaredy-cattl his face. I am validating and understanding and sympathetic to him. I was just trying to give over that he really is afraid of a lot of thing s
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amother
Molasses


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:35 pm
Redbird wrote:
Firstly, don't refer to him as a scaredy cat!

Don't shame him for being scared. Build him up. Focus on the positives, praise him for being brave every time he pushes himself to do something that he feels scared or uncomfortable with. Maybe you can remind of times in the past that he was brave.

Feelings are real, and are trying to tell us something, but it doesn't mean they are always right. So tell him that it's normal to have feelings of being scared, and we can thank those feelings for trying to protect us, and tell those feelings that we will be ok doing whatever it is, because we are taking measures to be safe, and mommy and tatty are here, etc.

It seems you are ashamed of your fearfulness, and therefore blame yourself that he is fearful. And then that carries over to you being ashamed of him too. Try to be more compassionate with yourself. Its not you're fault. You should have had help as a kid. ❤️

If you learn to be more accepting of your own struggles, (which is a lot of work,) it will help you also deal with his struggles in a more positive way, too.

Hatzlocha!


This is a great post. I should print it out to re-read often as I also have children with many fears. I was a fearful child and my parents didn't do anything either so I relate to you, op.

Is he just fearful or will he go into fight/flight mode and totally panic when it comes down to it? If he will totally panic, I strongly urge you not to try to take him on a boat right now. It may not be the right time. First work on the fear and then reconsider the boatride.
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Redbird




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:40 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thanks that post is very helpful. Just to clarify obviously I would never call him a scaredy-cattl his face. I am validating and understanding and sympathetic to him. I was just trying to give over that he really is afraid of a lot of thing s


Don't worry, I actually didn't think you call him that directly!

But I think it would be helpful to look at his fears in a more positive light. My kids are anxious too, but they've overcome so much of it, and I'm proud! and there are good sides to it, believe it or not -- the world needs conscientious, sensitive people.
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BH Yom Yom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:47 pm
Great ideas above. I would add to tell him that we do hishtadlus as part of preparing for activities where a person might fall into the water, such as wearing a life jacket, taking swimming lessons, etc.

You sound like a great mom—very compassionate and attuned!
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Redbird




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:55 pm
amother Molasses wrote:
This is a great post. I should print it out to re-read often as I also have children with many fears. I was a fearful child and my parents didn't do anything either so I relate to you, op.

Is he just fearful or will he go into fight/flight mode and totally panic when it comes down to it? If he will totally panic, I strongly urge you not to try to take him on a boat right now. It may not be the right time. First work on the fear and then reconsider the boatride.


Thanks for the compliment!

I agree that it wouldn't be wise force him, if he really isn't ready.
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amother
Bluebell


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 10:11 pm
I break down fears and help them find solutions. If he's scared of falling in, you explain that the life jacket protects him. Show him where to sit on the boat so he's less likely to fall in. Sit with your hand around him to help him feel more secure about it.
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